[2.17]Daphne's Room

Daphne's Room                                 Written by Linda Morris 
(a.k.a "A Room With A View")                  & Vic Rauseo
                                              Directed by David Lee 
Production Code: 2.17
Episode Number In Production Order: 41
Original Airdate on NBC: 28th February 1995
Transcript written on 19th February 1999
Transcript revised on 8th February 2003

Jane Leeves Introduces...

During the week of October 5 - 9, 1998, Paramount's Comedy Channel 
aired the five episodes picked by the Frasier cast as their personal 
favorites, with a one-minute introduction to each episode by that cast 

John Mahoney:      [1.21] Travels With Martin
David Hyde Pierce: [1.21] Author, Author
Jane Leeves:       [2.17] Daphne's Room (a.k.a. A Room With a View) 
Kelsey Grammer:    [4.08] Our Father Whose Art Ain't Heaven
Peri Gilpin:       [5.21] Roz and the Schnoz 

Transcript {nicholas hartley}


Scene One — Frasier's Apartment. Frasier is searching the living room for a book. He checks on the shelf, and on the table and in the bookcase. He calls out for help. Frasier: Dad? No answer. Frasier: Daphne? Anybody home? He soon realizes that nobody else is home. He lifts the seat of the piano stool to see if his book is inside, then sits down and begins to play a Mozart tune on the piano. Knowing no-one else will hear, he plays the opening chords of a Jerry Lee Lewis classic, then the next ones, until suddenly: Frasier: You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain! Too much love drives a man insane! Oh, what a thrill, just what a thrill! Goodness gracious, great balls of fire! Enjoying this rare moment to himself, he plays and signs with joyous abandon, finishing with a ripple along the keys and a spin around on his stool. However, when Niles and Martin walk in on him, he goes back to sedately playing the Mozart tune, as if he was playing it all along. Martin and Niles sit down. Martin: [to Niles:] I still think you're making too big a deal out of this! Niles: Dad, I have never seen Maris this angry. I swear, her eye was twitching like a frog in a science experiment. Martin: Well, when your mother'd get mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards, and give her a kiss which made her glad she was a woman! Niles: I can't do that with Maris. She has abnormally rigid vertebrae, she'd snap like a twig. Frasier: Let me guess, Maris has moved into the east wing again? Niles: Sunday was her fortieth birthday. She said in no uncertain terms she wanted no acknowledgement of it whatsoever, and in a moment I live over and over in my dreams, I believed her. Frasier: What, no gifts? No party? No nothing? Niles: Say that weeping into an ermine lap robe and you've got her down perfectly. Martin: Oh, why don't you just get her a nice bottle of perfume? Niles: She gets hives. Martin: How about candy? Niles: Hypoglycemic. Martin: Just get her a dozen roses. Niles: Allergic. Frasier: Well listen Niles, why don't you just sit her down and have a little talk, tell her it was a mistake. We've all noticed she's a bit touchy about her age, even though it's not the first time she's turned forty. [Martin and Frasier laugh] Niles: I know! I'll throw a great big party for her this weekend. [gets up and heads for the door] It'll be a costume ball — with a Louis Quatorze theme, right down to the powdered wigs and the crushed velvet pantaloons! [brightly] May I presume you're both coming down with colds? Martin and Frasier give violent coughs. Niles: And so it goes. [exits] Frasier: Listen dad, you didn't happen to find a book lying around here? The station manager loaned it to me and I promised I'd return it today. Martin: What's it called? Frasier: The Life And Times Of Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree. It's a stunningly witty history of the English theatre. Martin: [sarcastic:] Oh OK, you caught me, I got it hidden under my pillow! Frasier: Dad, you could at least try to be a little bit helpful, I promised him I'd return it today. Martin: Well, ask Daphne when she comes in. She was looking for something too put her to sleep last night, that book sounds like it could put her into a coma. Martin exits and Frasier is left alone. After mulling it over in his head he decides to go into Daphne's room and retrieve it. CUT TO: Daphne's Room This room was once Frasier's study, but now shows unmistakable signs of a woman's touch. He enters cautiously, being careful not to knock anything over. He picks up the book and is just about to leave when something catches his eye. He sees that Daphne has kept a lot of photos on her cabinet. He picks one up to look at it more closely: it is Daphne with Prince Charles. He has a look at some trinkets before moving to the other side of the room. He picks up an alarm clock in the shape of a "Teletubby" and shakes it a little. Spotting a bottle of pills he picks them up and moves over to the light so he can read the label. At that moment Daphne walks in, and Frasier hastily puts them out of view into his pocket. Daphne: Dr. Crane! Frasier: Daphne. Daphne: What are you doing in my room? Frasier: Look, I thought you were out... not that I make a habit of coming in here when you're out! Well, I thought I came in to get my book which I have, see. [laughs nervously] Well, I'll just be going - me and my book. See Frasier go. [exits] FADE OUT Scene Two — Apartment. That evening, Niles is on the phone to Maris at Frasier's apartment. Frasier and Martin are sitting at the dinner table. Niles: [into phone:] Nadia, you tell Mrs. Crane I want to speak to her and don't take no for an answer! As he waits, he winks at Frasier and Martin. Niles: [firm] Well then Nadia, you tell her that Dr. Crane says... [ducks behind the stereo cabinet and lowers his voice] Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please... Frasier and Martin trade a look. Niles puts the phone down. Martin: Maris hung up on you, huh? Niles: No, now she's got Nadia doing her dirty work. Nadia is Maris's hatchet maid. Martin: What happened to that Louis the French guy birthday party? Niles: Disaster there too! Maris reminded me that an entire branch of her family tree were slaughtered by the Huguenots. Frasier: Well, let's just forget about Maris for the time being, shall we? Sit down and have a nice meal in a convivial atmosphere. Daphne walks in with a lump of cold meat on a board. She slams it down in front of Frasier and walks out again. Niles: What is she mad about? Martin: Beats me! Daphne: [entering with onions and carrots:] Here's your favorite, Mr. Crane, cream onions. [hands them to Martin] And, Dr. Crane, I've made my special glazed carrots just for you. Niles: Thank you. [takes them from her] Daphne: [to Frasier:] You. Carve! [she stabs a knife into the meat] Martin: Well, we don't know what she's mad at, but we sure as hell know who! Daphne: If anyone needs me, I'll be eating in my room. [to Frasier:] You know where that is! [exits] Martin: What did you do? Frasier: This morning, I went into her bedroom. Niles: [shocked:] Frasier, how could you?! No matter how irresistible the urge to venture down that hallway... to press your face against that door... [trailing off:] to actually feel the grain of the wood against your cheek... It must be fought! It must be fought- Frasier: Oh, Niles! I simply went in there to retrieve my book. Martin: You're not supposed to go in there! Frasier: [defensive] Oh, what's the big deal? Martin: Do you ever see her leave her door open? She doesn't like people going in there. Frasier: She goes into my room all the time, and it doesn't bother me! Martin: Women are different. Frasier: Dad, that is sexism talking. Martin: No, that's thirty-five years of marriage talking. Women protect their privacy. You know how they are about their handbags. You never go in there! It's always "bring me my purse." The husband could say, "honey, I'm being robbed, the guy's holding a gun to my head and I don't have any money," the wife'd say, "bring me my purse." Niles: Dad, as usual, your simple homespun wisdom has pricked the balloon of Frasier's pomposity. Martin: [to Frasier:] Now you were wrong, so go on in there and apologize. Go on! Frasier: Alright! I'll go into Daphne's room and I will apologize to her. He gets up, Niles gets up and follows him. Frasier: Alone, Niles! CUT TO: Daphne's Room. Daphne is eating her dinner at her desk. There is a knock at the door. Daphne: [nicely:] Yes. Frasier: Daphne, it's Dr. Crane. Daphne: [angry:] Yes! Frasier: Could you open the door, please? CUT TO: Hallway. Frasier stands outside the door. Daphne opens the door a crack and stares straight at him, even worse than Eddie. Frasier: I, I behaved very insensitively this morning. And I did need the book but it was wrong of me to go in without your permission. She just stares. Frasier: And I'm sorry. She stares without saying a single word. Frasier: It'll never happen again. She stares. Frasier: Ever. She stares. Frasier: I'm being very nice. She stares. Frasier: Well, good night Daphne. [begins to leave] Daphne: [coming out:] Oh, wait, I'm being much too hard on you! I'm just a little sensitive about my privacy. Frasier: Oh, there's no need to explain. I promise you, it will never be an issue again! Daphne: Well, thank you for being so understanding. I suppose my problem goes back to growing up in a household of boys. My brothers were all snoops. They never gave me a moment's peace. Oh, it was a filthy little rite of passage for the Moon boys: when I reached a certain age, they'd sneak into the bathroom and peek at me in the shower. Frasier: Oh, dear God! All eight of them? Daphne: Well, except for my brother Billy, the ballroom dancer. He never peeked at me. Though he did peek at my brother Nigel. Thinking about it, she exits to her room. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO
Scene Three — Kitchen. Later that evening, Frasier is making coffee as Martin enters. Frasier: Coffee, dad? Martin: Why not? I'm up six times a night anyway, I might as well be alert! Frasier pours beans into the coffee grinder. Niles comes in with some dishes. Martin switches on the disposal unit. There's a hum indicating it's jammed. Martin: Oh geez, the disposal's jammed! [to Niles:] Yeah, stick your hand down there, see what's stuck, will ya? Niles: Dad, it's me, Niles. Martin: I can't get my hand in there. Niles: Oh alright, punish a man for being fine-boned. Are you sure it's off? Martin: Positive. [reaches toward the switch to demonstrate] Niles: Ah-ah-ah! Move away from the switch! Martin: Oh, geez... He moves to the other side of the kitchen. Niles puts his hand down into the unit. Niles: Oh-ho, it's wet and slimy and God knows what, it's like sticking my hand into the mouth of hell... Frasier switches on the coffee grinder, creating a high-pitched buzzing noise. Niles: YAAAH! Niles's hand shoots out of the garbage disposal with such force (or little force knowing Niles) that he falls back onto the counter, knocking over Frasier's silver coffee service. Realizing where the sound came from, he gets to his feet as if nothing has happened (after checking his hand). [N.B. In an earlier draft, Niles holds up his hand while shielding his eyes and yelping for someone to count his fingers.] Martin: Give me a call when the coffee's ready. Frasier: Yes. Martin exits. Frasier: Sorry, Niles. [going to pick up the service] Thank God. Niles: That's enough excitement for one evening, I'm going home to Maris. Frasier: I thought she wasn't speaking to you. Niles: She's not, but she grows weary of being frosty to the help. RESET TO: Living Room Niles: Oh, by the way I'm out of cash, I need something to tip your garage attendant. Frasier: [searches pockets and finds the pill bottle] Oh, great! Niles: What? Frasier: These pills! Niles: I was thinking money but you know him better than I do. Frasier: No, [hands Niles a dollar bill] Daphne's prescription. When I was in her room earlier, I must have inadvertently... [thinks] knocked them into my pocket. Niles: That's an interesting phenomenon. I can't walk through a drug store without aspirin and decongestant leaping into my trousers! Frasier: OK, I was snooping around a little bit. [he reads the label] Oh, dear God! "Take one before bedtime." Oh no, she's sure to miss these tonight. Daphne: [entering with exercise mat] Oh, you heading off, Dr. Crane? Niles: Yes, I am. Daphne: Say hello to your wife. Niles: I'll certainly try. Daphne: Mr. Crane, time for your exercises! [leaves to Martin's room] Frasier: Oh great, this is my chance. I'll just sneak back there and put these back in her room. He heads to the hallway, Niles again follows him. Frasier: Alone, Niles! Frasier goes to enter her bedroom. As he does so, Daphne and Martin argue off stage. Frasier carries on. Martin: [o.s.] The Sonics game's on! I'll do my exercises tomorrow. Daphne: [o.s.] Fine! If you need me I'll be in my room. Frasier has just put the pills down, now he can't escape. He looks for some place to hide, he looks out of the window but it's too far down. He realizes he can't get under the bed so he hides in the wardrobe closet. Daphne re-enters, calling over her shoulder. Daphne: You're doing a double set tomorrow! Martin: [o.s.] Yeah, yeah... Daphne enters her room and closes the door. Daphne: Grumpy old sod... Daphne goes into her bathroom to wash her hands. Frasier walks out of the wardrobe and heads for the door, but Daphne walks back in, making Frasier rush back into the wardrobe. Through the slats in the closet door he can see into the room. Daphne then begins humming "The Blue Danube" as she does her routine. She swallows one of her pills with a glass of water, then begins to undress. Frasier, mortified, turns away as she takes her underwear off and slings them into the cupboard. She reaches her hand in, searching for something, so Frasier hurries up the process by passing over her dressing gown. She puts this on whilst Frasier closes the wardrobe door. Daphne goes to shut the wardrobe door and sees it already is. She just thinks she already closed it. Then she heads for the bathroom, so Frasier again tries to head to the door. However, Daphne comes out again so he ducks behind the bed. She moves over to that side of the bed, so he runs over to the other side, where she doesn't notice him. After putting her eye drops in and untying her hair she heads to the wardrobe to take out some towels. Frasier hurries off into the bathroom out of sight. With the towels, Daphne waddles into the bathroom, still humming. Frasier is hiding behind the door, as Daphne disrobes herself and gets into the shower. Eddie comes running in and begins drinking from the toilet. Daphne sees him. Daphne: [to Eddie:] What are you doing? It's disgusting, you filthy thing. Frasier is horrified, thinking she's seen him. Daphne: Get out of here right now, get out! Frasier: Daphne, I'm so sorry! Daphne SCREAMS loudly, causing Frasier to run out, also screaming. FADE TO: Scene Four - Café Nervosa The following day, Frasier is sat at a table. Niles prances in, a little bit full of himself because of some events the night before in the Maris Mansion. Niles: Good morning, Frasier! Niles snags a passing waitress. Niles: Cara mia, uno mezzo latte decaffinato, and a bran muffin. No, no... [kisses her hand] due bran muffins. [to Frasier] Maris and I burned up a lot of energy last night - [gleefully] a LOT of energy! — and I have to replenish my body. [laughs] Frasier: I assume you and Maris achieved détente. Niles: Twice! Frasier: What magic words did you use to melt your little glacier? Niles: I got home, I sat her down, I stared deeply into her eyes... and I said, "Maris, here are the keys to your new Mercedes." Frasier: You bought her a Mercedes? Niles: [happily] Yes — oh, the things that tiny woman can do when she's properly motivated. Frasier: If you're through marinating in your own testosterone, I have a problem. Remember last night I went back into Daphne's room? Well, she caught me again. Niles: You're joking! Frasier: I was just so embarrassed I had to leave this morning before she woke up. I left a little note, trying to explain my actions. Considering the circumstances, I don't think there's any way she can forgive me! Niles: Oh, come now. It wasn't as bad as all that. It's not like you saw her naked or something. Frasier looks at his feet, Niles can't believe it. Niles: You did! Frasier: But I took no pleasure in it at all! The entire thing was just absolutely mortifying! Niles: Frasier, I want to help you with this, so you have to tell me everything. Every sight, every sound — Frasier, unburden yourself before you explode! [he says about to explode himself] Frasier: No, Niles, no! Niles takes out a pen and grabs a napkin. Niles: Alright then, I'll show you how I've always imagined her and you tell me where I'm wrong! Frasier pushes away the napkin as Roz arrives and sits with both of them. Roz: Hey, guys! Frasier: Hi, Roz. Niles: Hello. Frasier: Good to see you. As Roz sits between them, she senses something from Niles. Roz: So Niles, you randy dog, you got lucky last night, didn't you? [Niles reacts] I can always tell. [looks at Frasier] Oh, don't worry, you'll meet somebody. [to waitress] Can I have a non- fat cap, please? Niles: Roz, this was a private conversation, I'm helping my brother with a matter of some delicacy. Roz: Don't worry, Shower Boy told me all about it. Frasier: I just don't see that there's any way I can make it up to Daphne. Niles: Well, nothing says I'm sorry like a in-dash CD player and a passenger side airbag! Frasier: [to Roz:] Maris was upset with Niles so he bought her a Mercedes. Roz: Woof! Frasier: [to Niles:] And if you're suggesting that I buy my way out of my problem, the answer is no! It's the coward's way out! Niles: Oh, so I'm a coward? Frasier: Yes! Niles: Well, I'm a coward with a hickey! Roz: Buy me a Mercedes and I'll make your neck look like a relief map of the Andes. Frasier: Oh Roz, don't encourage him, I happen to think that bribery is the wrong way for couples to resolve their conflicts! Niles: Oh really, and during which of your failed marriages did you hone that theory?! Niles and Frasier argue over this as Roz laughs, until it FADES OUT.
Scene Five — Apartment — Night. In Frasier's living room, Martin needs some advice as Frasier comes in the front door. Martin: Oh, Dr. Crane, I'm glad to see you. I need some advice. I've got this son who's a total numbnut. Frasier: Hello, dad. Love your icebreaker! Martin: You'd better get her to stay, Frasier. She knows my moods, she's knows how to handle me, and I like her. Frasier: She's talking about quitting? Martin: Yes, so get in there and apologize! Frasier: Oh dad, I can't go in there! Martin: No, of course you can't, because I asked you to go in there. When I said, "don't go in there" what did you do? You went in there. Now I say go in there and you won't! That's what I like about Eddie, he always does what I tell him to. Come on, Eddie. As Martin exits, Eddie tries to follow him, but Frasier holds him by the tail. Frasier: [laughing] He's defying you too, dad! Daphne has entered without Frasier noticing. When he does, she makes a beeline for the door. Frasier: Daphne, Daphne, please, please wait, we've gotta talk. I feel absolutely terrible. Daphne: [sympathetic] Oh, now, Dr. Crane, your note explained everything, you've got nothing to feel bad about. Frasier: That puts my mind at ease. Daphne: [sarcastic] A servant like me doesn't deserve privacy anyway! Matter of fact, why don't we just get it all out in the open? Daphne throws her bag's contents onto the table. Daphne: Here's my bank book, some personal letters, oh and my driver's license. As you can see, I'm four pounds heavier now, but it's in a spot that doesn't really show... TO MOST PEOPLE! Frasier: Oh look, Daphne, I realize how hard it is to live in someone else's home. Daphne: Yes, it is! But I put up with it, because I happen to love this job. All I ever asked for was one room, a little corner I could call my own. I never minded if I was up to my eyeballs in your precious earth tones and your African knick-knacks, but now I have to put up with you in there, too. And that's one leering love god too many! Frasier: Oh Daphne, you're absolutely right, you do deserve a place of your own. Listen if you agree to stay, [desperate:] I'll I'll have your room redecorated. Just make it your own. Paint, wallpaper, upholstery, anything you'd like. Just so you feel comfortable. Daphne: How about an electrified fence and a German police dog? Frasier: Daphne, I promise, as long as we live under the same roof together, I will never ever set foot in your room again. Daphne: [pauses] Alright. Frasier: Thank you. Daphne: I'll give it another try. The doorbell sounds, Daphne answers it to Niles. Niles: Hello, all. Frasier: Ah, Niles! Daphne: Hello, Dr. Crane. [to Frasier] Goodbye, Dr. Crane. Niles: Oh, where are you off to? Daphne: I have some shopping to do. Your brother just offered to pay to have my room re-decorated. Niles: [slyly:] Oh, really? Daphne: I'm thinking of doing the whole thing in pinks and yellows. She exits. Frasier: Dear God, she's really determined to keep me out of there. Niles: So, you're putting things right with Daphne by opening up your checkbook? Frasier: Oh, I know what you're thinking, and believe me, it's just a gesture. He pours sherries for himself and Niles. Niles: Oh, I see. I give Maris a car, it's a bribe. When you re-decorate Daphne's room, it's a gesture. Frasier: Niles, our two situations are entirely different. You bought Maris off because you are afraid of her. Niles: Oh I see, and you're not the slightest bit intimidated by Daphne? Frasier: No. Niles: Then you wouldn't be at all alarmed if I were to, say, do this. [runs to the hallway] Frasier: But... Niles! Niles, where are you going? CUT TO: Hallway Niles runs up to the corridor outside Daphne's room and opens the door. He puts his foot over the door line. Niles: Oh look, my foot's in Daphne's room. Frasier: Just get out of there. Niles: [pulls his foot back] What's the matter? Are you afraid you'll get... [jumps across the threshold] in trouble? Frasier: Niles... Niles: [jumps back out] Now we're safe. Frasier: Oh, stop it! Niles: [in] Trouble. [out] Safe. [in] Trouble. [out] Safe. Frasier: Niles, you're acting like a child! Niles: [more rapidly] Trouble, safe, trouble, safe, trouble, safe! Frasier is getting extremely hot under the collar because of this. He tries to stop him, until Niles knocks over Daphne's jewelry tree, spilling her necklaces and earrings all over the carpet. Frasier: Oh my God, no! You see what you've done now! She's bound to find out! Niles: Well, [snooping around] so you'll just write her a bigger, fatter check. Frasier: No, Niles, she'll quit! Niles: WHAT?! Why didn't you say something- Turning around in shock, Niles spills his sherry on the bed, causing them both to panic further. Niles grabs a towel from the bottom of a pile of Daphne's laundry, scattering it everywhere, and looking for more things to cover the stain. He ends up in Daphne's underwear and nightie drawer, and starts flinging her under-clothes onto the bed. Martin comes in to see what the upset is, and Eddie follows him. Martin: What the hell are you two doing in here?! Frasier: It's all Niles's fault! Niles: It is not! Frasier: Never mind, just help us clean up this mess! Martin falls onto the bed trying to mop up the sherry, and Niles, who is still throwing underwear, throws it on Martin. Daphne appears in the doorway and freezes as she takes in the scene along with the camera: - Frasier on the floor, pawing through her jewelry - Martin on her bed underneath her lingerie - Niles shielding himself from her stare with one of her nighties - Eddie sitting up with one of her bras in his teeth FADE TO: Scene Six — Car Dealership Lot It isn't long before Daphne and Frasier are at a car salesroom. Daphne is sitting inside a large blue Mustang convertible, wearing a head scarf similar to Louise's from "Thelma and Louise." Eddie is sitting in the passenger seat. Daphne: [as the hood retracts, happily] Oooooh! Frasier: Daphne, did you happen to see that sporty little sub-compact over there? I bet you could park that anywhere. Daphne rises in her seat and peers over the windscreen. Daphne: Is that a Mercedes dealership across the street? Frasier pushes her back down. END OF ACT TWO (Time: 21:30) Credits: Daphne enters her room, now a little bit paranoid. She checks to see if anyone's lurking in the bathroom, then checks under the bed, and she also makes sure no-one's in the wardrobe. Just as she's about to shower she spots something under the towels on her bed; it's Eddie. She shouts at him and he runs out at once.

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