[9.23] The Guilt Trippers

The Guilt Trippers                           Written by Lori Kirkland 
                                              Directed by Wil Shriner
Production Code: 9.23
Episode Number In Production Order: 213
Filmed on: 
Original Airdate on NBC: May 14, 2002
Transcript written on July 16, 2002
Transcript revised on April 27th, 2004


Gertrude Moon has appeared in the following episodes:

- [7.24] Something Borrowed, Someone Blue [2]
- [9.12] Mother Load [1]
- [9.13] Mother Load [2]
- [9.15] The Proposal

Transcript {Kelly Dean Hansen}

Skyline: A helicopter rises above the buildings.


Scene 1 - Frasier's apartment.
It is Daphne's birthday party.  Daphne, Martin, and Mrs. Moon are 
seated at the table, with Frasier and Niles standing behind them.
Daphne leans in to blow out the candle on a cake.  All applaud.

   Niles: Yay!  Did you make a wish, sweetheart?
Gertrude: Of course she did!  She wished her father still loved his
          children enough to call his only daughter on her birthday!
          [She rises and moves to the couch.] Or his wife.  Oh, but
          that's a man for you.  Once he's planted his seed and 
          you've borne his spawn, he moves on to spread his filth
 Frasier: [attempting to divert the subject] Sounds like a toast to me!  
          I'll get the champagne.
  Martin: I'll just have a beer.
   Niles: Oh, I'm not so sure we should introduce alcohol into the 

He gestures nervously to Daphne, who rises and moves toward the couch.

 Frasier: Well, Daphne, why don't you open your presents.
   Niles: Yes, that's a good idea!
 Frasier: Yeah, here, mine and Dad's first. 

He hands her a gift.  She opens it.

 Frasier: Happy birthday, Daphne!
  Daphne: Oh, it's a journal!  Oh, it's lovely.  Thank you.
  Martin: You don't need to say that for my benefit.  I wanted to 
          get you one of those robot dogs.  You know, something
          you could really use. 

He glares at Frasier.  The doorbell rings.  Niles answers it to Roz.

   Niles: Hey, Roz.
     Roz: Hey, Niles.
 Frasier: Oh, hi, Roz.
     Roz: Thank you.  Sorry I'm late. [Niles takes her coat.]
   Niles: Oh, no, not at all.  Daphne's just opening her gifts.
     Roz: [rushing to the coffee table] Here's mine!
  Daphne: Oh, Roz, you didn't have to get me anything!
     Roz: Don't be silly.  Happy birthday.

Daphne removes a black teddy from the bag Roz has given her.

  Daphne: Ooh...
   Niles: We love it!
     Roz: Yes, Roger loved black lace.  But he didn't get to see me in
          it... [recovering] Black lace, I mean.  I bought this one for
          you - new!
  Daphne: Thank you, Roz.
Gertrude: Some man break your heart, did he?
     Roz: Oh, yeah, but I'll be OK.
Gertrude: Sure you will.  Until you realize he was the love of your 
          life and he's gone for good.  Then not a night will pass
          when you don't beg the good Lord to take you in your sleep.

Roz is unsure how to react to this speech.

   Niles: [with biting sarcasm] We all have those thoughts.
  Daphne: [irritated] Niles, can I see you in the kitchen, please?
   Niles: [obediently, but poutingly] Yeah.

They rise and exit, Niles following Daphne like a puppy.  Roz picks up 
the journal.

     Roz: What's this?
  Martin: Heh-heh.  That's what I said.  I can tell you what it isn't.
 Frasier: Dad, would you let it go?

Reset to: the kitchen.

  Daphne: I know she's difficult, but we need to be sensitive with Mum 
          right now.
   Niles: "Difficult?"  I yearn for the days of Difficult.  Difficult
          was a picnic.  I keep a picture of Difficult in a heart-
          shaped frame next to my bed.  Difficult was a...
  Daphne: [cutting him off] All right, Niles, I know!  But it's harder
          for her now.  I think she's finally realizing that Dad's not
          coming back.  I guess I am too.
   Niles: [sympathetically] I'm sorry.  I will be more patient with her.
  Daphne: Thank you, Niles.

Reset to: the living room.

Gertrude: [to Roz] And if you do it right, he'll bleed from the inside
          and no one will know it was you.

Niles and Daphne re-enter.

 Frasier: Oh, Daphne!  I think there's still an unopened gift left
          for you.
  Martin: There's an unopened gift for me in the fridge. [Rising,
          to Niles] Try and stop me! 

He exits.

   Niles: Daphne. [Handing her his gift.] Happy birthday, darling!
  Daphne: [excitedly] Oh, Niles, it's a trip!
   Niles: This weekend.  You and I are jetting off to Hawaii for a
          five-star Polynesian retreat.
  Daphne: Oh, how exciting!  Oh, thank you. [They kiss.]
   Niles: The first day, we are being taken by outrigger to an 
          exclusive island for a private luau.
     Roz: Roger and I were supposed to go back to Wisconsin this
          weekend for my family reunion.
   Niles: Oh, that's lovely! [eager, barely noticing Roz] And the
          second day, we're going to take a cruise to Molokai.
     Roz: Of course, you can't go to Wisconsin without taking a 
          couple of cheese tours.
   Niles: [completely missing the point] Well, you sure can't, no.
          And then we're in Molokai, we're going to go snorkeling
          with the sea tortoise.
     Roz: And then, the Dells - Roger really wanted to ride one of
          those big duck boats.
Gertrude: [gets up] I've heard enough.  All these lovey-dovey stories 
          about traveling and romance.  And then you with your birthday!
          Can't you all see that I'm hurting?  I can't hide it anymore!

She exits to the powder room.  All are taken aback by her speech.  
Daphne walks to the cake and lights the candle again.

   Niles: What are you doing?
  Daphne: I want to change my wish.

She blows out the candle.  


Scene 2 - Frasier's apartment, later that evening. Roz and Frasier are the only ones remaining. They are cleaning up. Roz: I started the dishwasher. Frasier: Thanks, Roz, I'll see you tomorrow. Roz: Do you want me to run the vacuum cleaner? Frasier: No thanks, I can do it in the morning. Roz: Are you sure? I mean, it would just take a second. Frasier: You don't want to go home, do you? Roz: Not really. Alice is in Wisconsin with her grandmother, and it's just hard to face an empty house. Frasier: Well, I'll tell you what, Roz. Why don't you sit down and we'll shoot the breeze for a while. They sit. Roz: And when I think about this trip to Wisconsin, I just dread going without Roger. My family thinks I'm a total loser as it is. Now I'm just going to prove them right. "Roz is a failure at love." "Roz can't find a man." Frasier: They don't really say that, do they? Roz: Oh, you haven't met my perfect sister, Denise. I mean, I love her and everything, but she's a total bitch. Frasier: Well, you know, I-I could go with you. Roz: What? Frasier: Sure, for moral support. Roz: Frasier, is that how you want to spend your vacation? Frasier: I don't know. It just might be the perfect time for me to see a giant duck and a lot of cheese. Roz: Thank you, Frasier. Frasier: You want to watch some TV, maybe we can find a good movie? Roz: Yeah! [Frasier turns on the TV.] Yeah, ever since this whole Roger thing happened, you've really come through for me. It means a lot. Why can't more men be like you? I mean, you are exactly what women are looking for. Frasier: Yeah. Women I date don't seem to know that. Roz: Some women don't know what's good for them. Frasier: [dejectedly] Terrific. I'm the broccoli of dating. Roz laughs. They relax and watch TV. They are very comfortable and casual together, far more so than usual. DISSOLVE TO: Scene 3 - The following morning. Frasier's bedroom. We see a close-up of Frasier lying next to someone. The camera moves out to reveal a sleeping Roz, looking very satisfied, cuddled under Frasier's arm. You are reading this correctly! Frasier awakens, sees Roz, and suddenly looks uneasy and shocked. Roz then awakens as well, is highly embarrassed, and slides out of the bed, taking the sheet with her and lifting Frasier's arm to escape. Roz walks nervously behind the bed and toward the bathroom. Frasier: [uneasily] Morning. Roz: [quickly, shouting] Morning! She rushes into the bathroom and slams the door. Frasier: Can I get you some coffee? Roz: [from the bathroom] I would love to stay, but no. I've really got to run. I got the tile guy coming. Frasier: [struggling for words] Right. So this is a little strange, huh? Roz: Yeah, it is. But good strange! Roz is obviously dressing very hurriedly. Frasier is more uneasy. Frasier: Yeah. Roz emerges, clothed in what she was wearing the previous night. Roz: You know. Tile guy. [She returns the sheet to the bed.] Frasier: Right, yeah, I'll get up. Roz: No! It is too late. Frasier has risen and begun to put on his bathrobe. He didn't bother to cover himself before doing this. This makes Roz even more uneasy. Roz: Okay. I really have to go. I'll see you at work. Frasier: Roz, you okay? Roz: Everything's super! She hurriedly puts on her boot. Frasier: Maybe we should talk about this. Roz: And we will! Just not right now, 'cause I'm really late. You know, I mean for the tile guy. She rapidly exits the bedroom. Frasier: Let me walk you out. CUT TO: Living Room Roz runs out to the living room, grabs her coat, picks up her purse from the coffee table, and races to the door. Frasier follows. Frasier: Roz, maybe we could have dinner later. Roz: Okay, and we can talk then. I mean, not that I really need to talk because I'm fine. Unless you're not fine. She is obviously not fine. She fumbles with her purse and coat and puts on the other boot, rapidly and nervously. Frasier: No, no, I'm fine. A little strange, though, huh? Roz: Yeah, but good strange! Martin: [heard from the kitchen] Damn it, Eddie, just because I dropped something it doesn't make it yours! As Frasier turns in panic towards the sound of Martin's voice, Roz rushes out. He turns back round and sees her gone. Frasier: God, what have I done? What have I done? What have I done? Martin: [entering] Morning, Fras. Frasier: [recovering, casually] Morning, Dad. Martin: You see the paper yet? Frasier: Uh, no I haven't. Martin: Big story about how Roz's purse spent the night on the coffee table. He sits at the dining table. Frasier takes some time to react in horror to this. Martin grins. Frasier: It's not what it looks like. Martin: I know that. Frasier: Oh, what do you mean "you know that?" Shows what you know, it's exactly what it looks like! Martin: Oh, I knew that! Frasier: Well, anyway, it's none of your business, so I'm not discussing it with you. [then] Oh, Dad, I've done a terrible thing. Martin: Oh, geez, what happened? And don't tell me too much. Frasier: Well, I-I don't even know how this happened. She was lonely. She probably thinks I took advantage of her, I mean, that's why she ran out of here. Do you think I did? Martin: Fras, you're both adults. Where's the harm? Frasier: Well, you can't be serious, Dad! I mean, do you realize what this means? I have probably destroyed our friendship. Do you know what she'll see every time she looks at me? Martin: Your naked body. Frasier: Oh, dear God! I was going to say "someone who's betrayed her trust," but oh, dear God! Martin: Now, Frasier, don't get all worked up. When are you supposed to see her next? Frasier: We're meeting for dinner tonight. Martin: So everything's normal. You're going to feel weird and stupid for a while, and then you'll have a big laugh about it and move on. Frasier: Yeah, you-you're probably right. I mean, we're adults. We can discuss this. We're going to be fine. Well, we'd better be. I told her I'd go to Wisconsin with her. Martin: Wow, you really were lonely. Niles and Daphne enter. Daphne: I want to go on this trip as much as you do, but we can't leave Mum alone for a week right now. She seems unbalanced. Niles: [helping her off with her jacket] Well, well, maybe she could stay here with Frasier and Dad. Frasier: [reacting quickly and excitedly] Whoa! Whoa! What are we talking about? Daphne: It's Mum again. She's been crying non-stop since we left here last night. Martin: Sounds like a job for the prescription pad, Niles. Daphne: I can't even get Dad on the phone. He doesn't even know I'm engaged. I guess I can forget about him walking me down the aisle. The phone rings. Frasier answers. Frasier: Hello? Roz, hi. He looks at Martin, who gives him an approving gesture. Frasier: Yeah, hang on one sec. He runs to his bedroom. Niles: Daphne, I have a solution. I want you to use those tickets and take your mother to Hawaii. Daphne: Are you out of your mind? Niles: No, no, no, we are going to have a lifetime of romantic trips, but right now what's important is taking care of your mom. Like you said, she's fragile. Daphne: Niles, that's very thoughtful, but I don't want to go to Hawaii with my Mom. I want to go with you. Niles: Just hear me out! Daphne exits to the kitchen. Martin: Are you really going to let that old bat manipulate you out of a trip to Hawaii? Niles: Dad, I have a plan. Martin: Niles, you're a sucker. You know Mrs. Moon's so-called knee injury? Well, last night I noticed her limping on the wrong leg. Niles: I know. She switches. Niles goes to the kitchen. Frasier re-enters from his bedroom. Martin: How's Roz? Frasier: She's fleeing the city, thank you. Martin: Oh, come on! Frasier: She's going to Wisconsin without me. She's leaving immediately. I told you this was going to happen. Our friendship is in ruins. Martin: Yeah. Frasier: What do you mean, "yeah?" Martin: Well, I kind of thought that might happen. I was just trying to make you feel better. As he philosophically sips his coffee, we: FADE OUT. END OF ACT I ACT II Scene 4 - Martin has driven Frasier, Niles, Daphne, and Gertrude to the airport. They pull up inside a parking garage. Daphne, Gertrude, and Niles exit the car. Niles: Now remember, when you arrive, a car will be waiting to take you to the Nanehalaka Ha'e Alahe House. Gertrude: I don't know why we can't go somewhere where they speak English! Daphne: They do speak English in Hawaii, Mum. Martin: [smugly] How come you can fly to Hawaii, but you can't fly to England? Gertrude: How come you can drive your car, but you can't do your own laundry? Martin: [biting his tongue] Have a good trip. Daphne: Thank you again Niles. [They kiss.] I love you. Niles: I love you too. I wish I could walk you to the gate, but security... Gertrude: Yeah, well, we'd better hurry if we're going to pass Customs. Daphne: [exasperated and weary] It's the same country, Mum. [to Niles] I'm going to miss you so much! Niles: Oh, God, I know. [They kiss again.] Gertrude and Daphne exit. Niles surreptitiously grabs a small suitcase from the trunk and climbs in the back seat. Frasier: [sarcastically] Well, that's going to be a good time. Niles: I do feel a little guilty, but it's for a greater good. Martin: Where to, Niles? Niles: Virgin Atlantic. It's right there. Frasier: What's this? You're going somewhere? Niles: England. I'm going to find Daphne's father and bring him back here if I have to check every pub in Manchester. Frasier: You can't be serious. Martin: "I can't do my own laundry because I can't carry the basket and my cane at the same time." That's what I should have said! Niles: Daphne wants to get her parents back together. I'm going to try to make that happen. At the very least, he's going to walk her down that aisle. It'll be the biggest surprise anyone ever gave her. Frasier: It's a beautiful gesture, Niles. Martin: Bye. Niles exits. Frasier: Why didn't you tell me he was going to England? Martin: Same reason I didn't tell him you were going to Wisconsin. Which way? Frasier: Oh, right. [checks his ticket] Concourse "B." Martin: You think this is a smart plan, surprising Roz in front of her family? Frasier: Well, what else would you suggest I do, Dad? I couldn't reach her by phone. Roz and I have got to talk before this turns into a permanent divide in our friendship. Martin: Okay, but you know what she's going to see when she looks at you. Frasier: Yes, yes, I know, my naked body. I'll have you know there are worse states... Martin: All right, just stop this! I've got enough horror shows in my head. Here we are. Frasier: Thank you. Oh, by the way, Dad. I got you a little something to keep you company while I'm away. He pulls out a silvery metallic "robot dog." Martin: Oh, no way! The robot dog! Thanks, son. Frasier: Sure. Martin: Oh, good, you got the girl one so it won't fight with Eddie. Frasier: [wearily] Dad, it's not a girl. That's where the batteries go. Frasier exits the car. Martin admires the robot dog. FADE TO: Scene 5 - Roz's family home somewhere in Wisconsin. Roz's sister Denise opens the door to reveal Frasier. Denise is a wholesome-looking, clean-cut young woman, whose cheerfulness is saccharine and very artificial. Frasier: Hi, um, I'm looking for Roz Doyle. Denise: Oh, well, she's out shopping with her cousin right now, but come in! I'm her sister, Denise. Frasier: Oh, well, it's a pleasure to meet you. Denise: Oh, likewise. All we've been hearing is "Roger this" and Roger that," but we've seen no Roger. We were beginning to think that you didn't really exist. Frasier: I'm afraid you've made a mistake, you see... Frasier can't get a word in edgewise to correct the following. Denise: Well, obviously we did, but you can't blame us. It wouldn't be the first time that she's made up a boyfriend. We've really been having a lot of fun with her. She laughs. Frasier sees what Roz hates and dreads about her sister, and decides to play along. Denise: Oh, honey, look. Roger is here. There really is one! Craig, Denise's equally clean-cut young husband, comes over. Craig: Well, I'll be a son of a gun. Good to know you. Craig Dawson, Met-Life. Frasier: [shaking hands] Hi, Roger... Hammerstein! Denise: Well, come on in and meet everyone. Frasier: Oh, thank you. Denise: Roger, this is Aunt Pearl and Cousin Curtis, and Great Uncle Olaf. Frasier says hellos all around. The family mills about and observes him. Craig: Well, honey, it looks like you owe Roz an apology. Denise: Oh, now, she knows I was just teasing her. I'm just relieved that she's finally found someone. We just want her to have the kind of happiness that we've found. She gazes admiringly at Craig, and they kiss. Frasier: Well, you know, I intend to do everything in my power to give her just that. I love Roz, and I intend to prove it to her. That's why I've come. Behind his back, Roz has entered during this last speech. For one frozen moment, she wonders if Frasier has fallen for her after their night of passion. Roz: Oh my God, what's going on? Frasier: [surprised and embarrassed] Roz... Denise: Roger, can Craig fix you a drink? Roz: [pausing] Roger? Frasier: Yeah, sweetheart, hi! [He moves to embrace Roz.] I'd love that drink. [kisses her] Denise: Well, well, well. It looks like you've really made an impression on Roger here, Roz. Roz: Yeah. Denise: How did you two meet again? Frasier: Oh, gosh, well, it's the cutest story. Oh, come on, honey, sit down. He sits her down on the couch next to him. Roz smiles uneasily, but she is clearly rather pleased with this turn of events. Frasier: Um, it all started when... Alice used to wave at me when I was driving my trash-collecting truck. Denise: Oh, well, I guess Alice is sure going to be happy to see you again. Frasier: [off Roz's look] Oh, well, you know, it's funny, as well as Alice and I get along, she always mistakes me for Roz's boss. It's weird, isn't it? Roz: Oh, yeah! They laugh, easily. Craig brings him a drink. Craig: Here we are. Frasier: Thank you. Craig: So Roger, I hear you're a big golfer. What do you shoot? Frasier: Well, you know, actually, since I've met Roz, I don't get much time for golf. Denise: Well, don't get too used to that, Roz. I've been a golf widow ever since I've been married. It's like a disease with them. She maintains her artificial grin throughout. Frasier: Well, maybe with most men, but not with me. I mean, my spare time is precious, so I like to spend it with the people that I love, like Roz and Alice, and who knows, maybe someday some more little ones. He has been looking lovingly at Roz. She returns the very real sentiment, despite the charade. He picks up a picture frame. Frasier: Especially if they look like this here. Roz: Oh, my... I hated that picture. Big ugly glasses and... I guess I was trying to look like Dorothy Hamil. Denise: We warned you not to get that haircut, but you insisted. Frasier: You know, if I'd met this girl in the fifth grade, I wouldn't have dated anybody else. Gosh, can I get a copy of this for my desk at work? Denise: You have a desk? Frasier: Dashboard. They all laugh. Roz's family is quite taken with "Roger." FADE TO: Scene 6 - Frasier's apartment. Eddie is looking suspiciously at the robot dog, which is not moving. Martin is on the phone. Martin: Yeah, I looked at the "getting started" section. Yeah, I did that. Voice activation? Yeah, I did everything it said. While Martin is not looking, Eddie barks and the robot dog stands up. Martin: "Appendix B?" Where is Appendix B? I just want this damn thing to do some tricks. Eddie barks again. The robot dog responds by bending down its front legs and wagging its tail. Martin: Can't you make this easier? You know, you shouldn't have to be a rocket scientist to play with some stupid toy. [Eddie barks and the dog stands upright again.] Eddie, be quiet, I'm on the phone. The robot dog starts to dance for Eddie. Martin does not see it. FADE TO: Scene 7 - The Doyle family house. It is a bit later. Frasier is continuing to charm the family as Roger." Frasier: So this one's getting tired. She wants to turn around and head back up the beach, when finally she sees the blanket surrounded by candles, and the food and the wine that I had set up. Roz: [enjoying this greatly] And don't forget the diamond bracelet you gave me. Everyone responds with "Awwws" all around. Denise looks decidedly unhappy. Craig: I had no idea there was that kind of money in the garbage business. Denise: [bitingly, but retaining her grin] You have no idea about a lot of things. Craig: What's that supposed to mean? Denise: Well, why can't you be more like him and do something special for me once in a while? Craig: [imitating her grin] Why can't you be like her and not be such a nag? DISSOLVE TO: Scene 8 - Time fade. Frasier and Roz are stepping out of the house onto the porch. Roz: [ecstatic] That was the best half hour I have ever spent with my family! Thank you! But what are you doing here? Frasier: I just had to make sure we were okay. Roz: I told you we were okay. Frasier: Yeah, I know, and then you ran away. Roz: I know, I should have stayed and talked to you. It's just, usually when I'm freaked out I turn to you, and this time I just didn't feel like I could. She grabs her head, a bit ashamed, and sits on the porch. Frasier: I'm so sorry. Roz: For what? Frasier: For that. For that evening. You were vulnerable, and I feel like I took advantage of you. He sits next to her. Roz: Oh, Frasier, I'm a grownup, and I make my own decisions. I was just worried that... well, over the years, we've almost gone to bed a couple of times, and we haven't because we were afraid it would damage our friendship. Frasier: Now we've done it. Roz: Right. I was just worried that things would change between us. Frasier: That's what I came here to ask you. Roz pauses, not knowing what to say. She changes the subject. Roz: I remember the last time I sat here. Just like this. My old high school boyfriend sat right where you are, and told me that he had been accepted into college in Boston. Frasier: Hmm. Roz: And I just stared at his shoelaces. I was afraid I would cry if I looked anywhere else, you know? Anyway, we promised that we would always be friends. It was just the saddest thing in the world because I knew it wasn't true. She looks as if she is about to cry this time as well. Frasier: [emotionally, clearly worried] And this time? Roz: Oh, we'll always be friends, Frasier. Nothing's going to ever change that. They embrace. Roz: I can't believe you traveled all this way. Frasier: Well, that's what people do when they care about someone. SMASH CUT TO: Scene 9 - A pub in Manchester, England. Niles walks in the door, looking quite haggard and weary. He chokes on the smoke and the general smell of the place. He walks up to the bar. Niles: Excuse me. Do you know a man named Harry Moon - and no, that is not the start of a limerick. The bartender nods to a white-haired gentleman in a cardigan right next to Niles. As Niles steps back from the bar, Harry puts down his glass and swivels to face Niles. Niles: Mr. Moon? Harry: Who's asking? Niles: My name is Niles Crane. I'm planning to marry your daughter. Harry quickly looks Niles up and down. Harry: You look okay to me. All right, you have my blessing. He turns back to the bar and lifts his glass... Niles: Thank you, but actually, I'm here to reunite you with your wife. Harry's glass freezes on its way to his lips. He suddenly looks apoplectic. More strangely, though, Niles realizes that the pub has gone totally silent. He turns and sees everyone staring at him. Harry puts down his glass, grabs Niles by the back of his coat and marches him toward the door. Niles: Oh, Mr. Moon... Mr. Moon... Harry violently throws Niles out the door of the pub and returns to his seat at the bar. FADE OUT END OF ACT II Credits: The robot dog continues to do various contortions for Eddie, which Eddie then imitates. Eddie eventually becomes more curious, sniffs the robot dog, and knocks it down on its side.

Guest Appearances

 Special Guest Stars
 MILLICENT MARTIN as Gertrude Moon
 BRIAN COX as Harry Moon

 Guest Starring
 SUZANNE CRYER as Denise Dawson
 TED KING as Craig Dawson


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