RDWRER                                     Written by Sam Johnson & 
                                           Chris Marcil
                                           Directed by Kelsey Grammer
Production Code: 7.12
Episode Number In Production Order: 156
Original Airdate on NBC: 6th January 2000
Episode filmed on 7th December 1999
Transcript written on 29th May 2000
Transcript revised on 24th April 2001.

Also Known As...

When this episode was published in UK schedules it was under the title 
"The Winnebago Show."

Transcript {nicholas hartley}

Act One.

Scene One - Café Nervosa.
Frasier is sat with a coffee when Roz enters and sits with him.

    Roz: Hey, Frasier.
Frasier: Hello, Roz.  Happy New Year. [they hug] Or should I say 
         "Happy New Millennium?"
    Roz: Oh, barf, I'm so sick of talking about it. 
Frasier: Oh, now Roz, let's not condemn the new Millennium just because 
         you woke up in it with a hangover.  That's what ruined church 
         for you.
    Roz: [to waiter] Decaf latte, please. [to Frasier] I just hate how 
         this arbitrary point on the calendar has become so significant.  
         And as far as my hangover went, it was worth it.  I partied my 
         ass off like a brain-damaged test monkey!
Frasier: I see.  Well, allow me to congratulate you on your first 
         science-related metaphor.
    Roz: Thank you.  And what did you do?  Get all freaky and finish 
         your list of the century's greatest thinkers?
Frasier: No, my New Year's was plenty exciting enough, thank you very
         much!  Although not exactly in the way I'd planned...


Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
We flashback to the 30th of December 1999.  The apartment is still 
decorated for Christmas, Martin is sat in his chair as Frasier opens 
the door to an anxious Niles.

  Niles: Cancel the Millennium!  "Chez Henri" has burned down!
Frasier: Burned down?!
  Niles: Yes!  Apparently, Henri was caramelizing a huge crme brle 
         in the shape of Puget Sound, when a sugar spark ignited a 
         thirty-foot paper maché "Space Needle."  They're already 
         calling it the worst centerpiece disaster in the history 
         of Seattle. 
Frasier: Henri built his reputation with that caramelizing torch.  
         My God, the irony of him burning down his own restaurant 
         with it.  It's worthy of "Oh! Henry."
  Niles: "Oh! Henri." [laughs]
Frasier: Please, Niles, it's too soon to joke.  What exactly are we 
         going to do tomorrow night?  Every restaurant in town worth 
         going to has been booked for months.
 Martin: Well, you know, you can join me and the boys at McGinty's. 
         It's going to be a lot of fun, they're going to dye the beer 
  Niles: Why would you do that on New Year's Eve?
 Martin: Oh well, McGinty's going in for a bypass next month and 
         he's afraid he might not make it out for St. Paddy's Day. 
  Niles: This is a disaster!
 Martin: No, they'll just pop in another pig valve.  You know, the 
         only reason he needs it is because he eats so much bacon. 
         So, the same thing that's killing him is keeping him alive. 
         [laughs] There's your "Oh! Henry" story.
  Niles: Well, maybe we can just stay in tomorrow night.
Frasier: On the most significant New Year's Eve of our lifetime?!  
         I think not! 
  Niles: I should have just gone with Mel.  She and her mother are 
         taking a hot air balloon through the wine country. [Martin 
         and Frasier look at him] Well, not in the balloon, no, but 
         I could have followed along in the recovery vehicle.
Frasier: Wait a minute!  Speaking of wine, wasn't the wine club having 
         some sort of a party?
  Niles: Yes, at Ken Lauerbock's place in Sun Valley.  Oh, it's a 
         huge event.
Frasier: Of course, "Auld Lang Wine!"  Niles, call to see if we're 
         still invited.
  Niles: All right, I'm on it.

Niles exits to the kitchen whilst using his mobile as Daphne enters 
with some mail.  She isn't too thrilled.

 Daphne: Bloody hell!  Five days after Christmas is over and I'm still 
         getting these cards!  They do it on purpose, you know.  It's 
         always from someone you forgot, and then it's too late to send 
         one back, then they sneer at you for the rest of the year! 
         [reads card] "Peace and Goodwill," my ass!  You just lost 
         yourself a customer, Dr. Naran S. Gupta, D.D.S.! 
 Martin: [sarcastic] Losing a set of English teeth, he'll feel that!

She scowls and drops an envelope into his lap.

 Daphne: This is for you, from the DMV.
 Martin: Oh-ho, I know what this is!  The custom plates I ordered for 
         my Winnebago! [takes them out] Yay!  Well, fifty bucks, but I 
         think it says it all.

Frasier and Daphne try to make sense of the plates that read "RDWRER".

Frasier: "Erd... Whirr-Er"?
 Daphne: "Rid-Worr-Yer"?
Frasier: "Red Wearer"!
 Martin: Oh, for God's sake!  "Road Warrior"!
 Daphne: Of course! [sarcastic] For a retired man with a cane and a
         Winnebago, I don't know why my mind didn't go straight to it!

Niles re-enters from the kitchen.

  Niles: Huzzah! [to Daphne] Hello, Daphne. [to Frasier] Ken said he'd 
         love to have us come and [to Martin] the more the merrier.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, that's brilliant.  Dad, please, please, won't you 
         join us?  You know what, say, let's call the travel agent.
 Daphne: Not to rain on your parade, but you may have a tough time 
         getting flights this late.  Donny and I had a devil of a time 
         getting our flights to San Francisco.
Frasier: Oh Daphne, they always set aside a few choice seats for 
         Seattle's travel elite. 

Niles gleefully begins dialing his cell phone.


Scene Three - The Winnebago.
We quickly cut to the following day.  It seems that the Crane brothers 
aren't amongst the travel elite as they ride down to Sun Valley with 
Martin and Eddie.  A motorist beeps them from behind.

Motorist: [v.o.] Pick a lane, Road Warrior!
  Martin: See, he got it!  He-hee! [Martin puts his thumb up at him in 


Scene Four - The Winnebago. A little while later, the Crane gang are still driving. It is still daytime. Frasier is now behind the wheel, Martin is in the passenger seat with Eddie whilst Niles is in a separate seat with the map. Martin: Being on the road like this, it's like we're three dusty hobos sharing a box-car to parts unknown. Niles: Yes, well, if you don't take this next turn we'll end up in "Californy." Frasier: Gee, Niles, you seem a little cranky. Niles: Well, perhaps that's because I was rousted out of a warm bed at the crack of dawn and herded onto a Winnebago! Martin: Better safe than sorry, Niles. You know, it's 650 miles to Sun Valley, and half of that's through the mountains. Niles: By the way, how are we going to explain to the wine club our arriving in a Winnebago? Frasier: Just chalk it off to whimsy, Niles. We'll call it our "Van Ordinaire!" [laughs] You know, besides, I'm actually enjoying this little trip through the heartland. I feel a bit out of touch with the common man, it's nice to reconnect. Niles: Well, while you're reconnecting, why don't you let me drive? Frasier and Martin give each other a look of horror. Frasier: I would, Niles. It's just that, em... I need you to navigate. Martin: Yeah, you're the most important member of our crew, good buddy! Frasier: The man with the map! Niles: Stop patronizing me, I want to drive. Martin: Oh, you're not good with big cars, Niles. Remember when I tried to teach you to drive my LeSabre? You kept panicking and pulling on the emergency brake. Niles: Well, it's a good thing I did. Those mailboxes weren't even slowing me down! Martin notices something out of the window. Martin: Oh, did you see that sign? "Little Red Cabin." Do you remember those diners? [laughs] "Home of the Log Roller: a flank steak wrapped around a combination of eggs, cheese and onions!" You kids used to love eating there. You'd scream out at me, "Dad, pull over. Quick, pull over!" Frasier: Actually, Dad, that was after we ate! FADE TO: Scene Five - The Winnebago. It's sometime later. Frasier is alone in the cabin. He's driving whilst humming along to some classical music on the stereo. Niles enters from the sleeping area. He looks very tired. Frasier: [noticing Niles] Oh, Niles. [turns stereo off] I thought you were sleeping. We then hear a very loud guffaw from the sleeping quarters, it's Martin. Niles: I was trying to, but Dad wanted to watch the VCR. Frasier: Oh, good Lord, not "Robin and the Seven Hoods" again. Martin is heard laughing again. Niles: Worse. Martin enters. Martin: Yeah, baby, you know, that was a shag-a-delic flick! The Crane brothers look at each other. Niles: You know, dad, if you're quite done, I think I'll try to take a nap. Martin: [Austin-Powers-ish] Oh, beeehave! Niles exits to the sleeping quarters as Martin takes his seat. Frasier: You know, Dad, you do realize that the "Austin Powers" craze is completely over! Martin: Well, I'm sorry, do I bore you? Or do I make you randy? [laughs] Frasier's mobile rings. He answers. Frasier: [to phone] Hello. Yes, Niles. I'm driving as smoothly as I can. Any other little driving tips you'd like to give me, [shouts back to the quarters] why don't you just come up here and tell me to my face! [hangs up] Martin: Hey, look, another "Little Red Cabin" sign. You know, we're not going to find anything better to eat on this highway. Frasier: Oh, let's not be hasty, Dad. It's five miles away, we might run over something before then! FADE TO: Scene Six - A Little Red Cabin. Niles, Frasier and Martin are sat in the diner reading the menus. They are sat below a huge window overlooking the car-park. Road Warrior is parked right outside the window. Niles: You know, I am so tired, I can barely read this menu. Frasier: It's all right, Niles. You don't have to read. You can just point to a picture of the food you want! Martin: What's this? "A Log Roller with your choice of cheese." You can't have a Log Roller without American cheese! Frasier: Apparently you can't get anything in this restaurant without American cheese. Including the menu! [wipes cheese off menu] Another Winnebago, identical to the Road Warrior, pulls up in front of the RW. An elderly couple gets out of it. Martin: Niles, if you're so tired, why don't you go back to the Road Warrior and take a nap? Niles: Oh, you know, that's a good idea. At least it'll be quiet. [rises] Martin: I wonder if you can still get Sticky Shingles here? Niles: One look at the salad bar says yes. [exits] Martin: What looks good to you, Fras? Frasier: Well, actually, Dad, you know, I think I'll have a hamburger. We see Niles outside getting onto the wrong Winnebago. Frasier: Would you order that for me, Dad? Martin: Yeah. You're going some place? Frasier: As a matter of fact, I am. I'm going to take a chance and reacquaint myself with an old friend of mine: America. Martin groans as Frasier approaches a farmer sitting at the bar. Frasier: Hello there. [sits with him] Could I buy you a cup of coffee? You see, I'm just a wandering city mouse, trying to get in touch with America. Now, you, you look like you be a farmer. Farmer: Oh, I get it. You see a guy in a rural diner wearing shabby clothes and you pin your little label on him. Well guess what, I am a farmer, but I'm also a beautiful, flawed, complicated human being and it's going to take more than a cup of coffee to get inside here. Frasier: I'll just go see how my father's doing. Frasier walks back to Martin and sits. Martin: How was he? Frasier: Beautiful, flawed, unpleasant. Martin: Well, according to the map it's about three hundred miles to Sun Valley. Frasier: Oh, that's delightful, Dad. You know what, we'll get there in plenty of time for the party. Martin: Now listen, you know, your brother's going to be hungry, maybe we should bring him a sandwich. Frasier: I wouldn't worry about Niles, Dad. Meanwhile, the couple return to their Winnebago and drive away with the sleeping Niles. Frasier: He's so tired, let's just let him sleep for the rest of the trip. Martin: Are you sure? Frasier: Oh sure. It's the most exciting day of the year, Dad. For God's sakes, you know, when Niles wakes up I guarantee the last thing he'll be thinking about is sandwiches! End of Act One. Act Two.
Scene One - The Wrong Winnebago. An old woman, Betty, and her husband, Clifford, are driving the Winnebago that Niles has fallen asleep in. Betty: Oh my goodness. Look what I just found in my pocket, the lighter I borrowed from that waitress in the restaurant. I feel terrible! Clifford: Forget it, Mother. We're not taking it back. Meanwhile, Niles wakes up in the sleeping quarters and hears the rest of the conversation. He is alarmed. Betty: Well, I really think we should just turn around and say we're sorry and return it. Clifford: I think we ought to keep it. Our old one's nearly out of fuel anyway. Betty: It doesn't make it right. We're still criminals in the eyes of the law. Clifford: There's a lot worse criminals than you and me. Do you remember that last gun show we went to? We must have seen at least three different people swiping boxes of shells. Betty: There's one thing you can say for us, we pay for our ammo! Niles, in panic, crouches in the corner and takes out his cell phone. CUT TO: Scene Two - The Winnebago. Frasier is driving as Martin chats to him. Martin: So at this party tonight, there going to be a lot of shagnificent birds?! Frasier: Dad, I'm begging you. Frasier's mobile sounds. He answers. Frasier: Hello? [peeved] Niles, would you please stop doing this! [hangs up] CUT TO: Scene Three - The Wrong Winnebago. Meanwhile, Clifford and Betty are still going. Clifford: I'm getting a little drowsy. Betty: Well, if you're so tired, just scootch over, I'll take the wheel. The two change seats. Niles meanwhile phones the police. Niles: Yes, yes, hello. I'm being kidnapped, this is an emergency, I'm being kidnapped. I'm in a stolen Winnebago heading east on I-84. I can't talk any louder, I'm being stolen. Yes, yes. Washington plates, R-D-W-R-E-R: Road Warrior. Yes, it does. It does so, sound it out. Oh, never mind, for God's sake, just save me! Meanwhile, Clifford stands up. Clifford: You know what, I'm getting sleepy, I'm going back for a little lie-down. Betty: All right. [as Clifford is just about to enter the sleeping quarters] Oh wait Dad, look, there's another one of those "Little Red Cabin"'s. Why don't we just stop and have some supper first? Clifford: 'Cause I'm tired and I'm not hungry. Betty: [sternly] Clifford! Clifford: Well, I guess a sandwich wouldn't kill me. Betty: I feel sort of funny even stopping here, it's a little like returning to the scene of the crime. Clifford: Mother! Let it go! The couple exit the Winnebago, leaving the keys in the roof visor. Niles appears from the back and cautiously climbs into the driving seat. He adjusts his mirror and starts the engine before driving off. CUT TO: Scene Four - The Winnebago. Martin and Frasier have come to a halt. Martin exits with Eddie into the woods. Martin: All right, Eddie. Let's go sign nature's guest book! Meanwhile, Frasier's mobile rings. He answers it. Frasier: Hello. Niles: [v.o.] Frasier. Frasier: Yes. Niles: Niles. Throughout the following the camera switches between Niles driving the wrong Winnebago and Frasier in the Road Warrior. Niles: Put your fears to rest, I've got Dad's Winnebago back! Frasier: Niles, what on earth are you talking about? You must have had a nightmare? Niles: Indeed I have, but it's over now and I've managed to give the thugs a taste of their own thieving medicine! Frasier goes to the sleeping quarters and pulls back the curtains. No one is there. Frasier gasps. Frasier: Niles! Niles, where are you calling from? Niles: From behind the wheel of the "Road Warrior" and doing a damn fine job driving it too, I might add. Frasier: Well, I'm in the "Road Warrior"! You got in the wrong car, you idiot! You've stolen a Winnebago! Niles: Don't be absurd. Niles looks around his Winnebago. He sees a photo of Betty and Clifford on the wall. He whimpers in apprehension. He notices an ash tray on the dashboard and whimpers again. He picks up a personalized coffee mug — "World's Greatest Grandma." Niles: OH MY GOD! While he has been distracted, the Winnebago has veered. Returning his attention to the road, he desperately hauls the wheel back, then panics and pulls on the emergency break. The Winnebago screeches to a stop and Niles falls out of his seat. Frasier: All right, Niles. Just keep your head, there's no need to panic! Officer: [o.s., over loudspeaker] This is the police! Exit the vehicle immediately with your hands above your head. Frasier drops his mobile, raises his hands and exits. Outside he finds Martin standing up against the side of the van, and also little Eddie with his paws above his head. FADE TO: Scene Five - The Little Red Cabin. Meanwhile, Betty and Clifford are still eating their meal. Betty: How's that turkey club, Dad? Clifford: A little dry. Niles parks the Winnebago in the lot and gets out. He cautiously walks past the window and enters the cabin. FADE TO: Scene Six - The Winnebago. The officer is explaining to the Crane men. Officer: Sorry about the misunderstanding. These papers all check out, sir. [hands them over] Martin: Well, if there's nothing else, we're in a hurry to get to Sun Valley. Frasier: But, not too much of a hurry. [laughs] Officer: Well, drive safely. Martin: Thank you. The policeman exits. Martin: What a clown. I can tell you ten things he did wrong right off the bat. Frasier: Well, at least he was apologetic. Martin: Oh, these hick towns give any bozo a badge. [the officer appears at the window and overhears] A goober like that wouldn't last ten minutes in a real police force. [notices the peeved officer] ...without getting a promotion! Officer: Your license! [hands it over] Frasier drives off. Frasier's mobile sounds and he answers. The scene cuts back and forth between him and Niles, using his mobile near the pay phone in the restaurant. Frasier: Hello. Niles: Hello, Frasier. I managed to solve the problem, I returned the Winnebago. Frasier: To where? Where are you? Niles: Well, I'm in Baker City, Oregon. Frasier: Baker City?! Martin: Shag me rotten! That's three hundred miles! Frasier: Niles, we will never get there and then back to Sun Valley before midnight. Niles: Well I'm not going to ring in the new year in a "Little Red Cabin." Frasier: All right, all right, listen, the only way we can ever pull this off is if you can catch a ride in this direction. Niles: Hold on, hold on. In the Little Red Cabin, Niles uses the pay phone as a cover for eavesdropping on Betty and Clifford who are just leaving. Betty: [looking at lighter] Oh my gosh, it's engraved. Dad, I'm not going to enjoy the rest of this trip until I return this woman's lighter. Clifford: Mother, do you expect me to turn around and drive a hundred and fifty miles back to that Little Red Cabin? We are not going, end of discussion. Betty: Clifford. Clifford has to give in. Niles: [into phone] Good news, I'm on my way. [hangs up] CUT TO: The Winnebago. Frasier: Niles says he can make it back to the restaurant where we first got separated, all I have to do now is to turn this boat around. Martin: Thirty miles to the next exit. Frasier: I can't wait that long! Martin: Well, you can't do a U-ey on an interstate. Frasier: That's twentieth century talk, Dad. Welcome to the future! We then see the Winnebago cut across the grass and into the other lane. However, a police car is following them. Frasier: God, that felt great! Wow, this is really quite an adventure, isn't it, Dad! The police turn their sirens on. Martin: It is now. Frasier: Oh, dear God. Martin: All right, just relax, Frasier. Now, I know cops. Just let me do the talking, and we'll be out of here in two minutes. Frasier: All right Dad, let's switch. Martin moves into the driving seat. The police officer comes to the window, it is the same one that arrested them earlier. Officer: Well, look who's here. Do you boys know what you did wrong back there? Martin: Yeah, yeah, I know, a U-turn. Officer: Nope, called me a goober! Martin and Frasier look worried. FADE TO:
Scene Seven - The Little Red Cabin. Niles is sat in the cabin looking very bored. A large waitress is on the tills as Frasier and Martin walk in. Frasier: Niles, I'm so sorry we're late. Niles: Ah, well. Not to worry, when you're here at the cross-roads of the world you have the human drama to amuse you. Martin: Well, happy new year, boys. Frasier: Yes, five minutes ago! Everyone in the world will have a wonderful story to tell about where they were and what they were doing when the Millennium dawned. What is our story? Speeding along a lonely highway [to Niles] and you here doing nothing. Niles: Well, not exactly nothing. Big Sandy let me watch the register while she emptied the rat traps. Martin: Hey, wait a minute, where are we? Frasier: Well, Dad, I've never seen a picture of the official middle of nowhere, but I assume... Martin: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but the middle of nowhere, Mountain Time, right? It's still only 11:05 Pacific Time. Niles: Which can't be more than forty-five minutes from here. Martin: Right! We can cross the line and toast in the new year. Frasier: Dad, that's brilliant! And there was a delightful little restaurant just across the border. Martin: Well, the guide book said it was pretentious. Frasier: Perfect, let's roll! The three exit the cabin. FADE TO: Scene Eight - The Winnebago. Martin is driving. They are all dressed smartly in tuxedoes (even Eddie). Frasier: We're running out of time! Martin: Well, I'm doing my best, Frasier, but we seem to be losing power. Frasier: What's that noise? What's wrong with the engine? Niles: I didn't touch the emergency brake! Martin: When's the last time you put gas in this thing? Frasier: Me?! I don't even know where the thing is to put the gas into. Martin: Oh, no. I'm sorry, boys. It's dying, I'm going to be lucky to get this off the road. Frasier: I can't stand this! Have we so offended the Millennium gods that they will do anything to ruin this evening? Burn down our restaurant? Hurl vindictive lawmen and duplicate Winnebagos in our path to confound us?! Martin: [looks out of window] Hey, is that a sign? Frasier: Of course it's a sign! It's a sign that we're cursed! Martin: No, no, it is, it's a sign! Out the window we see a sign that says "Entering Pacific Time Zone." Martin: We're entering Pacific Time Zone! We're here! Frasier: We made it! Come on, Eddie! [checks his watch] Thirty seconds to spare. The three gather round the champagne but the vehicle begins to roll back. Frasier: We're rolling! We're rolling backwards. Martin: Oh, no! Niles: No need to panic, Frasier. He pulls the emergency brake, the Winnebago stops. Niles: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Martin: We rolled back into Idaho! Frasier: Follow me! Frasier grabs the champagne bottle out of the bucket and they all rush out of the Winnebago with Eddie and run up past the sign. Frasier: Ten seconds, let's look alive. [tries to open the champagne] Damn this foil! Martin: You can do it, Fras, relax and focus. Niles: Three, two, one.... Frasier pops the champagne cork. Martin: Oh-ho, we made it! Happy New Year! Frasier/Niles: Happy New Year! Niles hands out paper cups, and Frasier pours them all a drink. Niles: Well, if you ask me, this beats a dull party. Martin: Yeah... Niles: Family and good champagne and a blanket of stars. Frasier: [raises his cup] Hear, hear. They all sip. Frasier: You know what, I think this calls for a song. [sings] "Should auld acquaintance be forgot..." All: "...and never brought to mind. Should-" However, in the winds they hear coyotes howling. Eddie runs back into the Winnebago. Scared, the three follow him, finishing the lyrics. All: [rapidly] "Should-old-acquaintance-be-forgot-for-Auld-Lang- Syne..." They slam the door on the further sound of howling. End of Act Two. Credits: Niles is behind the wheel of the "Road Warrior." Martin is teaching him how to drive and it seems he is doing well. However, Frasier then walks up to the window with a petrol tank. It seems the Winnebago was stationary all the time.

Guest Appearances

 Guest Starring
 WAYNE GRACE as Farmer 
 ANTHONY ZERBE as Clifford

Legal Stuff

 This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley. This episode 
 summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount 
 Productions and NBC. Printed without permission. 

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