[5.5]Secret Admirer

Secret Admirer                           Written by Lori Kirkland 
                                         Directed by Pamela Fryman
Production Code: 6.6
Episode Number In Production Order: 125
Episode Filmed on: 
Original Airdate on NBC: 5th November 1998
Transcript written on 4th July 2000
Transcript revised on 8th November 2002

Transcript {david langley}

Act 1

Scene 1 - Cafe Nervosa.
Fade in.  Frasier is sitting at the window bench with Nancy, a former 

Frasier: I just had the most wonderful time today.
  Nancy: Me too.  It's funny that we worked together all that time 
         and we never dated before this.
Frasier: Well, anyway I...
    Roz: Hey, Frasier!  Nancy, hi!
  Nancy: Hi!
    Roz: So, are you back to work yet?
  Nancy: Almost, I start at KNFS tomorrow.
Frasier: You know, Roz, Nancy and I are having coffee.
    Roz: Oh, none for me, thanks. [to waitress] Listen, can I have a 
         fat-free muffin please?  Nancy, I have been dying to call you.  
         My cousin just moved to town and I think he'd be perfect for 
  Nancy: Actually, I just started seeing someone.
    Roz: Well, you'll forget all about him when you meet Chuck.  He is 
         so handsome and rugged and he loves the outdoors...
Frasier: Kindly leave him there.  You see, the person that Nancy is 
         seeing is me.
    Roz: Really?  You two are dating?
Frasier: Even as we speak!
    Roz: Oh, my God!  I am so sorry.  Well, good for you.  I mean,  
         who needs Chuck when you've got... well, the anti-Chuck?  
         [She gets up] When my muffin gets here, could you send it 
Frasier: You won't even see it coming.  
    Roz: OK...

Roz retreats to another corner.

Frasier: Well, where were we?
  Nancy: Well, I think you were about to ask me out again.
Frasier: My gosh, so I was.  Well, let's just see how far this ESP 
         of yours goes: what night was I thinking of?
  Nancy: Friday night.
Frasier: Astonishing!  Busboy, clear these spoons before she starts 
         bending them.

Niles enters.

  Niles: Frasier, I am so glad you're here.
Frasier: Niles.
  Niles: [spotting Nancy] Oh, sorry.  Niles Crane.
  Nancy: I think we've met.  Nancy Cavanaugh, I used to work at KACL.
  Niles: Oh, of course.  Talking business?
Frasier: Uh, well, actually no...
  Niles: [sitting down] Oh, good, I was afraid I was interrupting 
         something.  Here, feast your eyes on this! [He hands Frasier 
         a document.]
Frasier: "Financial Settlement."  Good lord, Niles, you and Maris 
         have come to terms?
  Niles: What's that?  I couldn't hear you over the angels singing.
Frasier: Well, congratulations!  That is exciting.  My, ah, brother's 
         been going through a rather rancorous divorce.
  Nancy: You must be very relieved.
  Niles: Oh, I'll say.  It's cost me a fortune already.  If she 
         dragged it out any longer, I'd be literally bankrupt.
Frasier: Well, I'm sure you've got some celebrating to do, so off 
         you go.
  Niles: I cannot wait until I'm done with this.  I just have to 
         sign it and get her to do the same and then I can take my 
         seat aboard the freedom train.
Frasier: Well, all aboard!
  Niles: Oh, it's a funny thing: one day you're starting a new 
         relationship, full of hope.  The next you're sinking 
         helplessly into a sucking pit of despair that leaves you 
         filled with the bitter bile of regret. 

  Niles: You're on a date, aren't you?
Frasier: It's hard to say at this point.
  Niles: Oh, I am so sorry.
  Nancy: [getting up] It's all right, I have to go, anyway.  It was 
         nice seeing you again.
  Niles: Yes, you too.

As they all rise, Frasier hits Niles on the arm.

Frasier: [hissing at Niles] What the hell is wrong with you?!  

He sends him off.  Then he helps Nancy with her coat. 

Frasier: Well, here we are.
  Nancy: So, are we still on for Friday night?
Frasier: Yes, of course we are.  You know, I was wondering...maybe 
         we could just, uh...
  Nancy: Have dinner at your place?
Frasier: Yes, that's amazing.  You read my mind again.
  Nancy: Well, I just thought it would be more comfortable.  We could 
         curl up on the couch, make a nice fire...
Frasier: Can you guess what I'm thinking now?

She looks at him, then gasps and playfully slaps his face.

Frasier: Oh, you ARE good, aren't you?

Fade out.

Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Martin is in his chair, Daphne has a basket of laundry. Niles and Frasier come in. Martin: Hey, guys. Frasier: Hey there. Daphne: So, who won the squash game? Frasier: Oh, Daphne, it's not about winning or losing, it's about the thrill of the competition. Martin: Congratulations, Niles. Niles: Thanks, Dad. Pumped as I was, I don't think anybody could have beat me today, even an actual athlete. Frasier: Sherry, Niles? Niles: Yes, thank you. Maris and I have reached a financial settlement. Martin: Oh, ho! That's great! He offers a high-five, Niles just takes his hand and shakes it. Daphne: This is wonderful! Well, as wonderful as the tragic ripping apart of two lovers once bound in a sacred union can be. Oh, it's brilliant, Dr. Crane. Niles: Thanks Daphne. Frasier: Oh, Daphne, as long as you're doing the laundry, let me throw in my gym towel. Daphne: All right. Frasier: You know, if you've got a couple of extra minutes, I can also give you these squash togs. Daphne: Oh, let's save some of the fun for tomorrow. Frasier: [pulling a box from his bag] What's this? Cartier! Niles, did you put this in here? Niles: No. Frasier: My goodness, someone must have slipped this in my bag while we were in the courts. That's odd, I don't remember anyone touching our bags except the valet and Jaime, the squash porter. Martin: Boy, you guys work up quite a sweat down there, don't you? Inside the box is a smaller one nestled in shredded paper. Frasier opens it. Frasier: Oh, my goodness, Niles, look at this. [He gasps.] Cufflinks! They're beautiful. There's a card in here. "I still think of you constantly. I was wrong to ever let you go. Do you believe in second chances?" It's unsigned. Martin: Wrong to let you go. It sounds like it's from someone who dumped you. Daphne: Well, that's no short list, is it now? Martin: You know, maybe it's that Sonya woman he was goin' out with. Daphne: Wasn't there a sister, too? Martin: And a niece! Niles: Oh, yes, he went through that family like a recessive gene. Frasier: Yes, well, not to disrupt the think-tank, but there is an easier way to find out. I'll just make a few well-placed inquiries and see where I get a nibble. [He gets his address book out of the desk.] Ah, yes, there's a group of people that might regret leaving Club Frasier before last call. Oh, yeah, Patricia and there's oh, Susan, yes. Tatiana, oh boy... Niles: Frasier, all during squash the only thing you talked about was this wonderful new woman in your life, now you're just going to drop her to chase after someone else? Frasier: I'm not dropping Nancy! I'm just, uh, I'm uh... Daphne: Weighing your options? Frasier: Well, all right, so what if I am?! Niles: I don't believe this! Frasier: Niles, all of my life, I've dreamt of the day when I would be pursued by more than one woman. What man hasn't? For God's sake, do you blame me for enjoying it now that the day is here? Niles: Well, all of my life I have heard you whine about your dating woes. Now you have a chance for something good with Nancy and you're going to risk ruining it? Frasier: Oh, you are just jealous, that's what you are. Niles: I am not jealous. You're being foolish. Frasier: Oh, come on. Nonsense. Niles: Dad, what don't you agree with me? Frasier: Oh, fine, let's just ask Dad. Dad what do you think? Martin: [getting up] Noooo, no. Don't drag me into this. I learned when you were kids to stay out of it whenever you two started fighting. I'd just wait 'til the whole thing ended, usually in tears, then I'd take you both out for ice cream. [to Daphne] That was my job: ice cream man. He heads for his room. Daphne: I suppose fathers are the same everywhere. Mine couldn't bear to see us fight. If there was so much as a peep out of us, he'd be out the door to the pub. Stay for a few hours, sometimes overnight. Then, when they brought him back the next morning, we couldn't fight because of his headaches. I suppose that was part of his plan to keep harmony in the family. God bless him. She heads out the door. Niles: Oh, Daphne, wait up. I'll ride down with you. Frasier, you have a chance for something real with Nancy. Only a fool would throw that away chasing after some- Daphne: It's here! Niles: Oh, wait for me! -pie in the sky. [leaves] Frasier: What an idiot. [He dials the phone.] Tatiana. Frasier Crane here. Pick up if you're there. Well, I guess I've missed you. Question is: have you missed me? Fade out. Scene 3 - Cafe Nervosa. Fade in. Roz is at a table, Frasier joins her. Roz: Oh, hi Frasier. Frasier: Hi, Roz. Why so glum? Roz: Why else? The weekend's starting again and I don't have a date. Frasier: Oh. Roz: Do you know how long it's been since... you know. I've probably forgotten how. Frasier: Oh, Roz, I'm sure it will come back to you. It's just like riding a bicyclist... bicycle. Roz: Well, you're in the same boat, why don't you come over and hang out with me and Alice tonight? I'll rent a movie and we can order pizza... Frasier: Gosh, I'd love to, but I've got a date tonight with Nancy. Roz: That's still goin' on? Frasier: Yes, as a matter of fact, we're going out tonight on our THIRD date. You know the kind: it's like one of your FIRST dates. Roz: Oh, ha-ha. Well, I gotta go. Frasier: All right. A waitress comes to the table. Waitress: You're Dr. Crane, right? Frasier: Yes, I am. Can I help you? Waitress: [putting down another gift box] A woman dropped this off for you. [She goes back to work.] Frasier: Oh, my gosh, it must be another gift from my secret admirer. Roz: You've got a secret admirer? Frasier: Yes, I do. In fact the other day, she sent me these cuff links. At least, I think it's the same woman, unless a third person has thrown her hat in the ring. Roz: Oh, my God. You have two women? Frasier: At least. Roz: And you're juggling them? And you're getting jewelry? Frasier: Why is that so hard to believe? Roz: Well, I guess since they cloned that sheep, anything's possible. She gets up to leave, and passes Niles and Martin on the way out. Martin: Hey, Roz. Roz: Hey, guys. Martin: Hey, Fras. Niles: Hey, Frasier. Frasier: Dad, Niles! Niles: [as he and Martin sit] What is that? Oh, not another gift from your mystery woman. As before, the box is filled with shredded paper and a smaller box. Frasier: [opening it] Yes, yes, indeed it is. Oh, my God. It's a Patek Phillipe pocket watch! Niles: That is stunning! I almost bought one like that on my honeymoon, only Maris thought it was too impractical, so we got that Glockenspiel instead. Martin: So, who do you think this stuff is from? Frasier: Gosh, I haven't smoked her out, yet, but she certainly has exquisite taste. She doesn't have a bad eye for jewelry either! [laughs] Martin: He was like this last night. It was all I could do to keep my beer down. Frasier: [noticing a woman] Well, looky there. No, not yet. That's Tina Dalton. We dated last summer. And now it turns out she's in the cafe just as this little bauble arrives... Niles: Frasier, before you go over there... Frasier: Niles, please, I have had enough of your finger wagging. I am doing what any red-blooded American man would do. For God's sake, there's nothing wrong with playing the field. Niles: It looks like you've been eating the field. What did you have for lunch? Frasier: Pesto. Oh, my God! I better go freshen up. Martin: [fussing with the shredded packing paper] Huh. Look at this mess. Ah, it's too bad it's not bubble wrap. Ha! You don't know what funny is until you've seen Eddie go after a sheet of that stuff. Poppity-pop-pop-pop! He gets all scared and runs away, and then he screws up his courage and comes back again, and - poppity-pop-pop! - he runs away again. Yeah, I watched him for an hour one time. You know, it's amazing how entertained he can be by somethin' so simple. [pause, then] Poppity-pop- pop-pop! [laughs] Niles just stares at him for a moment with a look that combines familial concern with analytical fascination. Then he notices something. Niles: Oh, my... Martin: What is it? Niles: This card that came with the gift. Frasier must not have noticed it. "Missing you every moment, my dear sweet Niles." Do you realize what this means? Martin: Well, yeah. You're the one with the secret admirer. Niles: And a pretty nice watch, too! [He opens the case to look at it.] Martin: Well, I don't get this, how could this happen? Niles: Well, the other gift was left in Frasier's squash bag, which is exactly like mine. And, I guess today the waitress must have mistaken Frasier for me. [excited] You don't suppose it's Daphne? Martin: Yeah, she took a second job washing that old Mrs. Lumpkin's hair just so she can give you Cartier. Besides, the note said it's someone you've been with. Niles: There's been so few women since Maris. So few women before Maris. Hence there was Maris. Martin: I'll bet it is Maris! You said yourself you saw that watch on your honeymoon. Niles: Oh, that's absurd. Dad, we're in the process of finalizing our divorce. Martin: [to the waitress] Excuse me, miss? Do you remember the woman who brought this box in? Waitress: Yeah, she was very well dressed and really, really thin. Martin looks smug. Niles: That could be a lot of people. Waitress: Yeah, she just dropped off the gift then ordered a whole- milk mocha with whipped cream and chocolate shavings. Niles: [laughing with relief] Oh, thank God. That's not her. Waitress: Yeah it was really weird, though. She just took a long whiff of it and then just handed it back. She laughs at this and walks away. Niles laughs too, but it soon turns to sobbing. Fade out. End of Act 1 Act 2 Scene 1 - Cafe Nervosa. Fade in. A few minutes later, Niles is on his cell phone. Niles: Well, thank you Marta, you've been very helpful. [he disconnects] Well, turns out Schenkman dropped Maris and now she wants me back again. Frasier: [coming back from Tina's table] Well, that was fun! Had a little catching up to do, but it turns out she wasn't the woman sending the gifts. Martin: Yeah, we know, the gifts are from Maris. Frasier: Maris? Is my secret admirer? Niles: No, she sent them to me. Schenkman dumped her and, and she wants me back. Martin: How do you feel about this? Frasier: Well, frankly, I feel a little injured. I thought I had a secret admirer. Well, no matter, I do have a date with Nancy, tonight. You know, it's our third date. Martin: I was talking to Niles. Frasier: Oh. Oh. Niles: I guess I'll just have to go over and talk to Maris and set her straight. Frasier: Gee, Niles, I don't know if that's a very good idea. Niles: [putting the watch back in the gift box] Well, I'm up to my ears in debt. I need to sign this settlement and she'll never do that if she thinks there's any hope of us getting back together. Frasier: Gosh, it just seems a little dangerous to me, confronting her when she's so vulnerable. Don't you agree, Dad? Martin: Don't ask me, I'm just the ice cream man. Frasier: Well, thanks a lot. Listen, Niles, I think this whole pursuit of you has been brought on by a panicked reaction to Schenkman dumping her. You know, give her a few days, she'll probably realize that herself. That's the time to approach her. Niles: I can't wait any longer. Do you have any idea how insulting it is that she thinks she can buy me back with these trinkets? [rising] I am THIS close to being free from her financially and emotionally! I'm going to settle this right now. [He heads out.] Frasier: Niles, I just think you should wait! [But he's gone] Well, he certainly dashed out of here in a hurry. I suppose that's a good thing. Martin: Yeah, he's not gonna back down. Frasier: That, and he forgot these cuff links. I've got a date tonight! Martin glares at him. Fade out.
Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Frasier is getting ready, Daphne is dressed up. Frasier: Oh, Daphne, thanks again for taking Dad to Niles's for me. I'd do it myself, but since you're going out... Daphne: I'm going to a party three floors down from here. Frasier: Gosh, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. I didn't mean for you to miss any of the fun. Dad! Shake a leg, Daphne's in a hurry. You know, frankly I'm really glad he's going over there. I have no idea what condition Niles'll be in after he confronts Maris. Daphne: Yeah, it's a shame about Dr. and Mrs. Crane. Seems so difficult these days to make something last. To find someone to grow old with and share all of life's little details. I only hope someday I find that kind of intimacy. Frasier: Oh, I'm sure you will. Martin: [coming from his room] Daphne, where the hell is my scarf? Daphne: In your sleeve, like it always is. Now come on, we've got to get going, there's construction by the waterfront. Martin: Oh, we're not goin' that way. We're takin' my shortcut. Daphne: I know your shortcuts and the waterfront's faster. Martin: Now don't start with me. Daphne: Don't YOU start with me or I'll leave you here. Daphne opens the door, Nancy is standing there. Martin: Oh, hi, how ya doin'? Come on in. [Nancy enters.] And we're turnin' on my radio station in the car. Daphne: Fine, it's better than listening to you talk. Martin and Daphne leave. Nancy: Is this a bad time? Frasier: No, that's a bad time. Hi. Nancy: Hi. Frasier: You look sensational. Nancy: Thank you, so do you. Frasier: Oh, thank you very much. Can I interest you in a glass of wine? Nancy: Perfect. Frasier: Lovely. Nancy: I've been here before, you know. Two years ago, for your Christmas party? Frasier: Really? Nancy: I don't remember this chair. Frasier: Normally there's something draped over it: my father. Nancy: Oh, there's a message on your machine. Frasier: Must have come in while I was cooking dinner. Nancy: I only mentioned it because I gave my secretary your number so she can call me about tomorrow morning's conference, in case, you know, I don't find my way home tonight. Frasier: Oh, you just reverse the directions I gave you earlier... ohhhh. Feel free to check the machine if you like, I'll just go stir the risotto. Frasier heads to the kitchen, Nancy hits the play button. Cheryl: [voice over from the machine] Frasier, this is Cheryl returning your call, and no- Cut to Frasier in the kitchen with panic on his face. He rushes back to the living room and we cut to follow him Cheryl: I didn't send you anything. I thought I told you when we broke up: It's over. Frasier: Boy, is that old message still on there? Cheryl and I broke up so long ago, I can't even remember when. Machine: Friday, six fifty-one PM. Frasier: I know it was a Friday. Nancy: Oh, well, we all have exes. As long as it's over. It is over, right? Frasier: Oh, God, yes, it certainly is over. Oh Nancy, please here, come sit with me. [They sit on the couch.] Listen, I want to tell you I'm not interested in anyone but you. [The phone rings.] You know, perhaps I'd better get that, it could be your secretary. Nancy: Oh, let the machine get it. [They kiss.] Denise: [v.o. from machine] Frasier, it's Denise. I don't know how you got my number, but I am NOT interested in dating you again. Frasier rushes to the phone and picked it up. Frasier: Denise! Ha, ha, you prankster. No. No, no, I won't. No, absolutely not. I promise, never again. [hangs up] Well, how about that dinner, now? Nancy: I don't believe this. You have been calling other women for dates! How could you lie to me? Frasier: I haven't lied to you. Why would I lie to you? I have nothing to hide. [The phone rings and Frasier pushes her aside to get it.] Let me get that! Hello? Yes? Oh, yes, just a moment. It's your secretary. Nancy: Hi, Gwen. Call me in the car in five minutes. I'm going home. She puts the phone down, and grabs her coat and purse. She leaves as Frasier follows. Frasier: No! No, Nancy, Nancy, please, please don't be hasty. I realize I've done something rather foolish. Look, let me explain. Cut to the hallway as they come out the door. Frasier: Nancy, the truth is, I did call some other women. I guess I was feeling insecure, a little nervous about getting close to you. I don't blame you for getting angry and I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to leave. It's just that I, I think we really have something here. Nancy: Well, I thought we had something, too. Frasier: I made a mistake. I... give me another chance? Nancy: Well, that risotto did smell good. Frasier: OK. He ushers her back in and follows. Before he gets all the way in, the elevator opens. Madeline: Frasier! Frasier: Oh, Madeline. Madeline: I got that note you left under my door. Frasier: I am so sorry about that... Madeline: I was so happy to hear from you. Frasier: [pulling the door shut behind him] Really? Madeline: I was just thinking about you the other day. You know, I don't even remember why we stopped seeing each other. The door opens and Nancy steps out. Nancy: What is going... This again? This date is over. Madeline: Wait a minute. You slipped a note under my door and you were on a date with her? Frasier: Well, you heard her. Technically, this date is over. Nancy: Don't ever call me again. [steps onto the elevator] Madeline: Or me, you freak! Frasier: Nancy, Madeline, please give me a second chance - either one of you! [N.B. Brilliant tactical thinking on Frasier's part - the sort of thing that makes a woman feel REALLY special — Mike Lee] The elevator closes on his plea and he stands alone in the hall. Fade out. Scene 3 - Niles's Apartment at the Montana. Fade in. Niles is setting the table, nodding as Martin talks. Martin: So then Daphne takes a left on Madison. Bumper to bumper all the way to Pike. Then a right on Pike. And what do you know? King Dome traffic! So I say... Niles: Dear God, this is taking forever! Martin: Exactly! So, here we are on Fifth... The doorbell rings. Niles: Wait, wait, don't go away! I'm coming. [opens door] Oh, Frasier. Frasier: I have just had one of the worst experiences of my life. Martin: You took Madison, didn't you? You're as bad as Daphne. Now what you should have done... Niles: Oh, let it go! Please come in. How was your date? Frasier: Well, Nancy discovered that I had been pursuing other women. Niles: How did she find that out? Frasier: It wasn't hard. You see, I pursued one during the date. Frasier sits on the couch, Martin sits in a chair. Niles: Well, I'm sorry. Martin: Yeah, so am I, Fras. Frasier: Well, thanks, guys. I just, I should have listened to your advice, Niles. How did things go with Maris? Niles: I wish I knew. I returned the gifts and told her there was no chance of reconciliation. She didn't get mad. In fact, she was eerily calm. She just stood there with a blank stare on her face, rubbing her ocelot. Martin: You know, they got a cream for that. Niles gives him a look. The doorbell rings and he turns to get it. Frasier: You know, maybe she'll come around. You've given her a lot to digest. Niles opens the door. There is a box sitting there. Niles: Oh, no. Frasier: What is it? Oh, dear God. Niles: I don't believe it! I thought I made myself perfectly clear. What is wrong with that woman? Martin: Why don't you start, Frasier? I'll jump in when you get hoarse. Niles opens the box and pulls the shredded paper aside. There is a small ring box which he opens. The only thing inside is a coin. He picks up the card. Niles: "Roses are red, your heart is fickle. When I'm through with you... all you'll have left is this nickel." Martin: Oh, no. Niles: Oh, God... she's going to ruin me. Frasier: No, no, Niles, maybe she's bluffing. You know, once she's signed the financial settlement... Niles: [picking up the paper] She's not bluffing. This IS the financial settlement. Oh, Frasier, why did I go over there? Why didn't I listen to you? He falls against the arm of the couch. Frasier: Why didn't I listen to you? If I had I'd be sitting with Nancy right now, sipping wine in front of the fire. He falls against the opposite arm. Niles: I'll be stripped clean and devoured like an animal. Frasier: And I WON'T be. Martin gets up and walks behind the couch. Martin: All right, now. Enough of these long faces. Who wants ice cream? The brothers lift their heads and look at each other. Then, they rise and walk out the door, followed by Martin. Credits: The three come into Niles's apartment, eating their ice cream cones. They sit down on the couch, then Niles's ice cream falls off his cone. His face breaks and he begins to weep against the arm of the couch. Martin motions to Frasier to give his ice cream to his brother, but Frasier refuses and motions for Martin to give up his and they fight over it.

Guest Appearances

 Guest Starring
 ROSA BLASI as waitress 

Legal Stuff

 This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley & David Langley.
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 of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission. 

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