[5.6]Voyage Of The Damned
Voyage Of The Damned                        Written by Jeffrey Richman
                                            Directed by Pamela Fryman
=====================================================================
Production Code: 5.6
Episode Number In Production Order: 101
Original Airdate on NBC: 18th November 1997
Transcript written on 1st June 2000
Transcript revised on 3rd June 2001
The transcript may not be complete because of syndication cuts.
Transcript {mike lee}
ACT ONE
Scene One — KACL
Frasier is doing his show.
Frasier: Well, Karl, I guess you've got two choices.  Either you have 
         the tattoo removed, or you travel the globe searching for 
         another soul mate named Fredwina.  We'll be right back after 
         this.
He goes to commercial.  Roz comes in with a travel brochure.
    Roz: Hey, I was just looking over this offer you got from the 
         Siren Cruise Line.  They want to know if—
Frasier: Roz, you know my policy on commercial endorsements.
    Roz: Just listen.  One of their celebrity entertainers cancelled 
         on a ship that's going to Alaska, and they'll let us both go 
         for free if you'll fill in, and all you have to do is give a 
         brief lecture—
Frasier: Roz, I'm a psychiatrist, not a huckster! There are still 
         some of us in this profession who believe in—[sees brochure] 
         mahogany wainscoting?
    Roz: Isn't that fabulous?  And just look at those staterooms!
Frasier: Wow...
    Roz: Not to mention the gourmet chefs, the world-class health 
         spa...
Frasier: Well, it does sound awfully tempting, Roz, but I just don't 
         think it's right to trade on one's good name for a free 
         trip.
    Roz: Well, plenty of people do.  Look, Zubin Mehta did one, 
         General Schwartzkopf, and it says right here, Gore Vidal did 
         two of them!
Frasier: Gore Vidal?  He hates everything!
    Roz: But, if you feel it would tarnish your image, I'll just call 
         Vicki and tell her you said no.
She goes into her booth.  Frasier, sensing an opening, grabs at it.
Frasier: Vicki?  Who's Vicki?
    Roz: Oh, she books the celebrities.  We met once at a party a 
         long time ago, I'm surprised she remembered me.  Frasier, 
         we're on in ten seconds.
Frasier: Now, just hold on a minute, Roz, you didn't tell me this was 
         a favor for a close friend.
    Roz: She's not a close friend.
Frasier: No, Roz, obviously this woman means something to you.  It's 
         certainly an awkward position you've put me in.
    Roz: Frasier, I don't care.
Frasier: All right, I'll go!  But it's the last time I pull your 
         chestnuts out of the fire!
He goes back into his booth.
Scene Two — Frasier's Apartment
It's afternoon, and pouring rain outside.  Frasier sits at the piano, 
playing idly.  Daphne comes out in her bathrobe.
 Daphne: Hello, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Oh, hello, Daphne.  Little late in the day, isn't it?
 Daphne: I just love days like this... nowhere to go, nothing to do... 
         though I have this sneaking suspicion I've forgotten 
         something.
Frasier: Like getting dressed?
 Daphne: [goes to the window] Oh, I could watch the rain for hours.  
         Of course, when I was a little girl, I hated the rain.  
         Stuck inside, couldn't go out and play.  But my mum always 
         said, "enjoy it while you can, there'll be no water in 
         hell."  Of course, that was her answer for everything.  "Eat 
         your veggies, there'll be no Brussels sprouts in hell... 
         have a lie-down, there'll be no naps in hell..."
Frasier: Daphne, you know I am a therapist, if you'd like to talk 
         about this sometime.
 Daphne: About what?
Frasier: Nothing.
 Daphne: I wish I could remember what it is I forgot to do.  Oh well, 
         you know what they say — if you can't remember, it probably 
         wasn't important anyway.
Martin stomps through the door, soaking wet and steaming mad.
Frasier: Dad!
 Daphne: Oh no!
Frasier: You are dripping!
 Martin: Yeah, that's what'll happen when you're standing out on the 
         corner waiting for your ride!
 Daphne: Mr. Crane, I am so sorry!
 Martin: What the hell were you thinking?!
Frasier: Venting these emotions is all well and good, Dad, but I just 
         had these floors waxed!
He takes Martin's coat, hands him a towel and rushes to lay down 
newspaper.
 Martin: I said four o'clock on the corner of Second and Bell.
 Daphne: Well, you should have called me!
 Martin: Well, I was afraid if I went looking for a phone I'd miss 
         you!
Frasier: Good point, Dad.  Now, could you just step on that, please? 
         [Eddie comes in] Oh God, he's wet too!
Eddie starts shaking off.
Frasier: No, no!  Damn him!  Daphne, help me get this canine 
         sprinkler out of here!
 Daphne: Oh now, don't be too cross with him, Dr. Crane!  As my mum 
         used to say, there'll be no dogs in hell!
Frasier: I sincerely doubt that!
Daphne takes Eddie to Martin's room.  The doorbell rings, and Frasier 
opens the door to Niles.
Frasier: Oh, Niles.
  Niles: Frasier, I just stopped by to return your cookbook [hands it 
         over], I won't be needing it after all.
Frasier: Oh, really?  I thought you were preparing an anniversary 
         dinner for Maris.
  Niles: Uh, not this year.  Maris has flown to Switzerland for a new 
         cosmetic treatment.  Only one man performs the procedure, 
         and Maris wants to see him before he's extradited.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, I'm so sorry.
  Niles: It's so depressing.  Every time it looks as though we're 
         approaching a breakthrough in our therapy, Maris runs off 
         somewhere.  I really hoped spending time together on our 
         anniversary would get us over the hump.
Frasier: Take heart, Niles, I know how frustrating it can be when 
         someone puts their own selfishness ahead of your personal 
         needs. [steers Niles onto the newspaper]
 Martin: Niles, why don't you take off that wet coat and stay for 
         dinner.  I'll get us started with a couple of nice hot 
         toddies, just like we used to make down at Duke's.
Frasier: You know, Dad, there's a recipe in this book for a hot 
         toddy.  It calls for courvoisier, chamomile tea, and a dash 
         of framboise!
 Martin: Garnish it with a few rose petals and that's just how Duke 
         used to serve it.
Frasier: [to Niles] Make yourself comfortable.
In the kitchen, Martin pours water into three mugs and puts them in 
the microwave.  Frasier comes in.
Frasier: Poor Niles.  You know, Dad, maybe I should—
 Martin: Ah, ah!  Stop right there, I know what you're going to say.  
         You want to call Maris and talk her into spending her 
         anniversary with Niles.
Frasier: I didn't realize I'd gotten as predictable as all that.
 Martin: Well, you have, and if you ask me—
Frasier: Stop right there.  I know exactly what you're going to say.  
         You're going to say I should mind my own business and keep 
         my big bazoo shut!
 Martin: I was gonna say "fat yap," but you're in the ballpark.
Frasier: Well, I just think that when two people are having problems, 
         their emotions can get the better of them.  A third party 
         can provide some perspective.
 Martin: They already have a therapist!  And if Niles needs any more 
         help, he's got Dr. Jim Beam and he makes house calls!
Martin pours bourbon into the mugs and gives two to Frasier.  In the 
living room, Niles is talking on his cell phone.
  Niles: I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, Maris.  I hope you 
         enjoy your trip to Switzerland.  Actually, I have plans of 
         my own for our anniversary that I'm very excited about.  
         Mmm-hmm.  Bon voyage. [hangs up]
Frasier: Well, that's a very healthy approach, Niles.  What are your 
         plans?
  Niles: Well, I thought I'd sit alone in my cavernous apartment 
         while rocking back and forth while hugging my knees.
 Martin: Now, Niles, you're not going to be alone on your 
         anniversary, you'll have me and Fras.
Frasier: Well, actually, Dad, I've agreed to give a lecture on a 
         cruise that's going to Alaska... but I don't see any reason 
         why you two shouldn't join me, why don't you?
 Martin: Oh, that'd be great!  Wouldn't it, Niles?
  Niles: Uh, I don't know.
Frasier: Oh, come on, Niles, it'll help get your mind off your 
         troubles.
  Niles: I appreciate your concern, but whisking me off on a cruise?  
         I'm not as emotionally fragile as all that.
Frasier: As you wish.  Well, Dad, I guess it'll be just you and me 
         then.
 Martin: Yeah!  When do we leave?
Frasier: Fourteenth.
  Niles: [breaking down] The fourteenth?
Frasier holds him as Niles cries against his shoulder.
SHIP OF FOOLS
Scene Three — Ship Hallway
Niles and Martin are walking through the hallway. Martin is imitating a 
ship foghorn.
 Martin: [Makes the fog horn sound twice]
  Niles: You know, that just gets funnier and funnier each time you do it.
 Martin: [Makes the fog horn sound once]
  Niles:  No, no I'm wrong
Niles and Martin exit while Frasier and Roz emerge from their staterooms 
at the same time.
    Roz: Hey, some ship, huh?  How's your stateroom?
Frasier: I'd hardly call it a "stateroom."  Wouldn't even call it a 
         room, but I don't know the nautical term for "broom closet 
         with sconces."  How's yours?
    Roz: [shuts her door behind her] The same.  Worse, even.  I'm 
         sure you have a better view from your porthole than I do.
Frasier: You have a porthole?!
    Roz: What's the difference?  A cabin's just a place to shower and 
         change your clothes.
Frasier: You have a shower?!  All I have is a nozzle and a floor 
         drain, it took me an hour before I put those two things 
         together!
Roz leads him down the hall.
Scene Four - Cocktail Lounge
Martin and Niles are sitting at the bar.
Martin: Now the buffets come at a pretty good clip, so you got to 
        pace yourself.  And watch out for your fillers—your breads, 
        your rolls, your chips and dip.  You've only got so much 
        room, don't be a hero.
Frasier and Roz enter.
    Roz: Hey, guys!
 Martin: Hey!  Hey, Fras, this is great!  You got one of those 
         bedrooms where the bathroom turns into a shower?
Frasier: Yes, Dad. [to Niles] And before you say anything, I had no 
         idea what Spartan conditions we were in for.
  Niles: It's quite all right.  Once I got over my fear that I'd be 
         hauled below deck and manacled to another oarsman, I 
         actually started to enjoy myself.
Frasier: Well, you know, I guess I won't be spending that much time 
         in my cabin anyway.  I'll be hobnobbing with my fellow 
         celebrities.
 Martin: Yeah, they got a lot of big names on board.  Did you see the 
         pictures?
He points to a stand against the wall with a group of portraits.
    Roz: [reading] "Live and in Person: Radio star Dr. Frasier 
         Crane!"  How about that?
Frasier: Lord, I don't know if I really care for the word "star," 
         considering the caliber of the other people on board.
  Niles: [looking closer] "The Comedy Stylings of Giggles O'Shea."  
         Oh yes, you're in stellar company.  Oh, and look, they even 
         managed to snare a magician—"The Amazing Lance Gould."
 Martin: Oh, he's great!  I caught his act in Reno a few years ago.  
         For his finale, he made his own head disappear!
  Niles: Now, did the toupee go too, or did it just hover over the 
         collar?
Frasier: Dear God!  You've booked me on a floating Gong Show!  What 
         happened to Zubin Mehta and Gore Vidal?
    Roz: I am so sorry, Frasier, I had no idea.  I guess they just 
         booked all their A-list celebrities on the big ships.
Steward: [on P.A.] Your attention, please.  The "Taste of Alaska" 
         buffet is no being served on the Lido deck.
 Martin: Ooh, that's my cue!  You guys coming?
  Niles: Uh, Dad, we had a big lunch at home.
 Martin: Rookie mistake.  See you at dinner.
He limps out of the lounge.
    Roz: Look, Frasier, it's not that bad.  I mean, at least you got 
         top billing.
Frasier: Well, of course I got top billing!  I'm the only one up 
         there I've ever heard of!
    Roz: Come on, what about him?
Frasier: "Latin Singing Sensation Carlos 'the Barracuda' DelGato?"
    Roz: Yeah!  Don't you remember him from the 70's?  He invented 
         that big dance craze, the Barracuda.
  Niles: Believe it or not, Maris was a big fan of his.
Frasier: No!
  Niles: Yes, that was the one dance she could do.  The Hustle was 
         too strenuous — she had no booty to shake.  But her fetching 
         little under-bite was just perfect for the Barracuda.
Niles sticks out his jaw and snaps his teeth in remembrance.  Frasier 
notices a well-dressed blond woman staring from across the lounge.
Frasier: Niles, why is that woman staring at you?
Niles turns, looks—and snaps back.
Niles: God help me!  It's that awful Mimi Cosgrove from the country 
       club!  Hide me!  She's a man-eating lush who'd go to any 
       lengths to—
 Mimi: [coming over] Niles?
Niles: Mimi!  You funny little good-for-nothing Mimi! [kisses her 
       cheeks] What are you doing here?
 Mimi: Oh, just looking for the bar... oh, there it is! [grabs his 
       arm] Let me buy you a cocktail.
Niles: Well, actually, I—
 Mimi: I don't know what it is about being on the water that makes me 
       so thirsty!  Ooh, have you been working out?
She drags him to a table.  He turns to Frasier and Roz and mouths, 
"Help Me!"  A swarthy Latin man in Toreador pants comes in.
    Roz: Look, there he is, the Barracuda!
Frasier: How thrilling!  A fellow headliner on the U.S.S. Has-Been!
    Roz: Oh, shut up!
Frasier: Come on, Roz, let's go over my notes for my lecture.
Before they can exit, the Barracuda comes over.
Barracuda: Dr. Frasier Crane?  I am Carlos DelGato. 
  Frasier: [shakes his hand] Ah, hello.  It's a pleasure to meet you.  
           Oh, this is Roz Doyle.
Roz extends her hand.  The Barracuda snaps it up and starts kissing 
it.
Barracuda: Buenos noches.  Habla espanol?
      Roz: Uh, not really.
Barracuda: Is no matter.  I am sure you are schooled in the... 
           international language.
  Frasier: Oh yes, Roz, say something amusing in Esperanto!
Barracuda: [nasal laugh] You know, each night, I select the most 
           beautiful woman in my audience and present to her a red 
           rose.  That means the evening has just begun.  Perhaps one 
           night, chou will be... my especial lady?  Until 
           then...
He sticks out his jaw and snaps his teeth.  Roz gasps.  He struts 
off.
Roz: O.K., you're right.  We're on the Voyage of the Damned.
Niles and Mimi sit at a table.  As they talk, he's constantly pushing 
her hand off his wrist, his thigh, etc.
 Mimi: So, are you still separated?
Niles: Uh, I'm afraid so.
 Mimi: Oh, you poor thing.
Niles: Well, we're trying actually — couples' therapy.
 Mimi: Oh, good!  You know I've always thought the world of you and, 
       uh...
Niles: Maris.
 Mimi: Yeah, an angel!  Anyway, if there's ever anything I can do to 
       be of comfort to you, [leans over and nibbles his ear] you 
       just let me know.  Ooh, what is that marvelous fragrance?
Niles: Well, that's uh—
A waiter comes over with a glass of champagne.
Waiter: Excuse me, sir, but the lady wanted to send you this, with 
        her compliments.
 Niles: What lady?
Waiter: Over there, in the black dress and the veil?
 Niles: Maris!
Waiter: Oh, and there was one more thing.
 Niles: Yes?
The waiter tosses the champagne in Niles's face.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Scene Five — Lounge
Waiter: I'm really very sorry, sir, but she gave me the biggest tip 
        I've ever seen.
He gives Niles a napkin.  Mimi gets up.
Mimi: I'm sure you can convince Maris that this is all completely 
      innocent—if not, I'm in Cabin 712.
Mimi leaves the lounge.  Frasier and Roz come running over.
Frasier: Niles, Niles, what happened?  Was that Maris I saw running 
         out of here?
  Niles: Yes!  She saw Mimi pawing me and assumed the worst!  I've 
         got to go speak to her.  How upset did she look?
    Roz: Oh, I couldn't see anything past the outfit.  Who wears a 
         black dress and veil on a cruise?
Frasier: Roz, the woman has virtually no pigmentation!  Three minutes 
         in the sun, she'd sear like an Ahi tuna!
  Niles: She's supposed to be in Switzerland!  What's she doing 
         here?!
Frasier: Niles, I'm sorry.  This may be partly my fault.  You see, I 
         called Maris, told her how upset you were, and said it might 
         be fun if she could join us on the cruise.
  Niles: You invited her to come and didn't tell me?!
Frasier: Well, I thought it would be a nice surprise!
  Niles: Oh, well it worked out perfectly!  She's probably on the 
         phone arranging to fly home from the next port. [the waiter 
         comes by] Excuse me, excuse me.  The lady who sent me the 
         champagne, do you happen to know which stateroom she's in?
 Waiter: No, sir.  But she did ask me to give you a message.
  Niles: Yes?
The waiter tosses another glass of champagne in Niles's face.
Niles: Just out of curiosity, how much are these running her?
Scene Six — Lounge
Frasier sits at a table, preparing note cards for his speech.  Roz, 
wearing a cocktail dress, comes from the bar with two drinks.
    Roz: You're on in twenty minutes.  How's your speech coming?
Frasier: It's hard to concentrate.  I'm so concerned about Niles.
    Roz: [reads his first card and laughs] I like this opening joke 
         you wrote, it's very funny.
Frasier: [chuckles] Thank you.  I can't take all the credit, 
         actually.  I had a patty melt with Giggles before his show.
Niles comes back, disheveled and depressed.
Frasier: Oh, Niles.  I can't tell you again how sorry I am for 
         meddling.  How did it go with Maris?
  Niles: Terribly.  This is, without a doubt, the most depressing 
         night of my life.
Roz cracks up reading the next card.  Frasier sees it and laughs too.
    Roz: That is so funny— I'm sorry.
  Niles: I spent hours looking for her, then I remembered her 
         fondness for the Barracuda.  I ran down to the lounge, and 
         found that Latin cheese ball crooning his ghastly song 
         directly to her!  I started to make my way over, then a 
         waiter came over, and by the time I got the champagne out of 
         my eyes, she'd disappeared into the crowd.  I waited for 
         her.  She never came out.  Neither did DelGato.
Frasier: Niles, what are you implying?
  Niles: You know Maris's taste for revenge.  If she thinks I'm 
         having an affair with Mimi, then she's going to try and 
         punish me in kind.
    Roz: Wow... do you really think she's planning to "do the 
         Barracuda?"
She tries not to laugh.  Niles glares at her.
Frasier: Niles, don't jump to conclusions, that's exactly what Maris 
         did.
  Niles: Says a lot about our marriage, doesn't it?  No trust on 
         either side, what hope is there for us?
Frasier: Is there anything I can do?
  Niles: No, you've done enough.  I'm just going to take a walk.
He leaves the lounge.
Frasier: Oh, I feel so guilty about this.  When will I learn to stop 
         interfering in other peoples' affairs?  I'd better go talk 
         to Maris, see if I can fix this.
    Roz: You're gonna butt in again?
Frasier: I don't see what business that is of yours!
    Roz: Here comes your dad.
Frasier: Oh, no!  Oh, no!  If he finds out, I'll never hear the end 
         of it!
Martin sits down at the table.
 Martin: Boy, that "Taste of Alaska" spread was a bust.  You want to 
         know what caribou meat tastes like?  Not chicken!  Where's 
         Niles?
Frasier: He's out on a walk... oh, I may as well tell you everything!  
         Maris is on board.  She and Niles had a horrible fight, and 
         their marriage is in worse shape than it's ever been before, 
         and no need to tell you how she got here in the first place!
 Martin: I know, I know, what was I thinking, inviting her to come on 
         the cruise?
    Roz: You invited Maris?
 Martin: Yeah, well, Niles was so upset over being alone on his 
         anniversary, it just seemed like a good idea.  Smart, huh?  
         I give you all this guff about sticking your nose into other 
         people's business, then I turn around and do the same damn 
         thing.
Frasier: Oh, Dad, don't be too hard on yourself.
    Roz: Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, all right!  I invited Maris too.
 Martin: You did?  I thought I told you to keep your big bazoo shut!
Frasier: Oh, you're one to talk!
 Martin: Well, so what do we do now?
Frasier: Nothing!  Nothing at all!  Just let them work things out 
         themselves, and stay on the sidelines where we belong.
 Martin: All right. [checks watch] Ooh, better get going, we're gonna 
         miss the first seating for dinner!
Frasier: But Dad, my lecture's in fifteen minutes.
 Martin: Oh, jeez.  All right, guess I can't do everything.  Tell me 
         how it went at the midnight buffet!
He limps out of the lounge.  Roz gets up.
    Roz: We'd better get going too.
Frasier: Right.  First, I'm going to go talk to Maris.
    Roz: You just said—
Frasier: Forget what I said!  You're coming too!
    Roz: Why do you need me?  I don't even know her.
Frasier: You can vouch for Niles's innocence.
    Roz: Oh, all right.  I have to admit, I'm kind of curious to meet 
         her.  You know, in all these years, I've never actually seen 
         her face?
Frasier: Well, I haven't seen her most recent one, so this'll be a 
         new experience for both of us.
Scene Seven — Maris's Room
Frasier and Roz stop in the hallway outside Maris's room.
Frasier: All right, now let me do all the talking—oh, and if it looks 
         like she has an orange Abyssinian on her head—don't stare.  
         That's a wiglet.
A maid comes out of the room, notices them, and leaves the door open.
Maid: All through.  Have a nice evening.
The maid leaves.
Frasier: Damn!  She must not be here! [Roz goes in] Roz, what are you 
         doing, you can't go in there!
    Roz: I just want to see the room!
Frasier follows her into the room, which is spacious and lavishly 
decorated.
Frasier: You can't just barge into someone else's— [gasps] My God, is 
         that a grand piano?!
Roz finds a red rose on the bureau.
    Roz: Frasier, look!
Frasier: The Barracuda's calling card!  That means that he's chosen 
         Maris to be his...
Frasier/Roz: "Especial lady," eew!
Footsteps in the hall.  Frasier pushes Roz into the bathroom.
    Roz: Why are we hiding?  We came here to talk to her!
Frasier: Because it's impossible to extol the virtues of trust to 
         someone whose room you've just broken into!
Someone comes through the door outside.  Frasier and Roz climb into 
the shower and draw the curtain.
Frasier: Oh, dear God!  The shower is bigger than my entire cabin!
    Roz: Shut up!
Martin comes into the bathroom.  Roz peeks through the curtain.
    Roz: Martin!
 Martin: Ahh!  What are you two doing here?!
Frasier: We came to talk to Maris!  What are you doing here?!
 Martin: The same as you!
Frasier: Well, then why did you come in the bathroom?!
 Martin: Well... what do you think?
Frasier: Oh, all right, fine.
    Roz: Let's get the hell out of here.
They start towards the door, but hear someone else enter the room.
    Roz: It's Maris.
 Martin: Well, what's the big deal, why don't we just go in there and 
         talk to her?
    Roz: We can't go in there now, she might not be alone.  Remember 
         the rose?
Frasier: Oh, God.
Roz kneels down and looks through the keyhole.
Roz: I don't see her, maybe she went back out.  Oh, wait.  I see her 
     coat on a hat rack.
Martin and Frasier exchange a look.
Frasier: Look closer.  Is the hat rack moving?
    Roz: Oh my God!
 Martin: What's she doing?
    Roz: Well, she seems to be alone.
Frasier: That's good.
    Roz: Now she's pouring champagne — two glasses.
Frasier: Oh, that's bad.
    Roz: Now she's putting on music.
A Latin Beat plays, with the words "Do-do-do the Barracuda..."
Frasier: Oh, oh, that's bad.  On so many levels.
    Roz: She's coming this way!
Everyone crams into the shower, and they draw the curtain.  They 
stand quietly as Maris [seen only as a silhouette] comes in, gargles, 
spits, and goes out again.
Frasier: She's gone!
They stumble out of the shower again.
 Martin: How the hell are we going to get out of here?
Frasier: I have no idea.  All I know is that I have got to be 
         downstairs in the next ten minutes, or two hundred people 
         are going to be sorely disappointed!
    Roz: Two hundred people?  Where'd you hear that?
Frasier: They told me that was the room capacity! [Roz just looks at 
         him] Oh!  Oh, come on!  Giggles had to add a show!
 Martin: Shh, she's gonna hear us.
Doorbell buzzes.
    Roz: It's the Barracuda!
 Martin: Who's the Barracuda?
    Roz: He's a sleazy Latin lounge singer Maris is going to sleep 
         with to get back at Niles for kissing Mimi!
 Martin: Who's Mimi?
Frasier: A horny society boozer, and the Mrs. O'Leary's Cow of our 
         current predicament!
 Martin: Who's Mrs. O'Leary?
Frasier: A woman in Chicago who — oh, I don't have the time!  The point 
         is, we have got to stop this before Maris does something 
         that is going to damage her relationship forever.
    Roz: We cannot go out there.  We don't want to walk in on the two 
         of them.
 Martin: I don't want to see that!  I just ate caribou!
Frasier: Oh, all right.  Seems I'm the only one who cares about this 
         relationship.  I will go and do it.
He opens the door — and comes face-to-face with Niles.  Everyone jumps and 
yells.
  Niles: Maris, what a lovely bathroom!  Naaah! [comes in and shuts 
         the door] What are you doing here?!
Frasier: We came to convince Maris that there was nothing going on 
         between you and Mimi!  What are you doing here?!
  Niles: Well, Maris and I ran into each other on deck, and we had a 
         long talk, and, well, she invited me back here for a glass 
         of champagne!
 Martin: Oh, that's great, Niles!
  Niles: Yes, though it might marr the mood a bit if she finds you 
         all spying on her! [notices the sink] Did you use that 
         mouthwash?
Frasier: No, Maris did.
  Niles: My God — she's in the mood for more than champagne!  You've 
         got to leave right now.  Just give me time to see her out to 
         the balcony.
Frasier: A balcony?!
  Niles: Count to ten, and then scram, so Maris and I can celebrate 
         the way a man and his wife were meant to. [cracks the door] 
         Oh, damn.  She started without me.
Frasier/Martin/Roz: Eeww...
  Niles: Drinking the champagne.
Frasier/Martin/Roz: Ohhh...
Scene Z — Hallway
The Barracuda walks down the hallway, carrying a red rose in one 
hand.  Stopping at Cabin 712, he checks the note written on his hand, 
and rings the bell.  As he waits, he unbuttons the top of his shirt 
to show more chest.
Behind him, Frasier, Roz, and Martin slip out of Maris's room.  They 
see Mimi open the door and usher the Barracuda in.  Frasier and Roz 
tell Martin who the man and the woman are, and they all walk down the 
hall laughing. 
 
Guest Appearances
 Guest Starring
 JOE REYNOLDS BEECEY as Waiter
 STEPHANIE FARACY as Mimi
 MIGUEL PEREZ as Carlos Del Gato
Legal Stuff
 This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley, Mike Lee. 
 This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright 
 of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.