[4.12]Death And The Dog

Death And The Dog                           Written by Suzanne Martin
                                            Directed by James Burrows
Production Code: 4.12
Episode Number In Order Of Production: 81 
Original Airdate on NBC: 11th February 1999
Transcript written on 29th October 1999
Transcript revised on 13th September 2002

And She's Hypoglycemic

Girl, Niles' dog, has appeared in the following episodes:
[3.18] Chess Pains

Transcript {nick hartley}

Act One.

Scene One - Radio Station.
Frasier is about to begin his show and is sat at his control panel. 
Roz is in her booth. 

Frasier: Roz?  None of these lights seem to be flashing.
    Roz: Hey, what do you know, I got the same thing over here.
Frasier: Well, who's our first caller?
    Roz: No-one.
Frasier: Well, how much time do we have?
    Roz: None. [points]
Frasier: [on air:] Hello Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane.  Well, 
         I have some good news for you.  As today is the first sunny 
         day we've had in a few weeks, it seems that all our lines 
         are open.  So please call in, no waiting. [nothing] Absolutely 
         no waiting!  Oh come on, somebody's marriage must be on the 
         skids.  Somebody's career must be going badly, [laughs] 
         other than mine!  Hey, how about all you agoraphobics, I know 
         you're not outside! [notices light:] Oh, there's a call! 
         I'll take it, I'll take it. [presses button:] Hello, I'm 
  Alice: [v.o:] Hi Dr. Crane, my name is Alice and I'm usually a happy 
         person but today, well, I just started thinking about all 
         kinds of sad things.  My job isn't that exciting, my kids 
         don't call me... pretty soon I was in a full-blown funk.
Frasier: Well, Alice, as today seems to be a bit slow I think I have 
         a story I can tell you that might be of some help.  Do you 
         have some time?
  Alice: Well, it's three 'o clock and I'm still in my bathrobe.
Frasier: Perfect!  Well, it started three days ago.  You see, my father 
         was very concerned about his little dog, Eddie.  So, he had to 
         take him to the vet...


Scene Two - Café Nervosa.
The story starts off as we see Eddie laying unhappily on the floor 
next to a cup of milk.  Daphne, Frasier, Roz and Martin are sat 
around the table next to him.

    Roz: So what's the doctor say?
 Martin: He's stumped.  I told him, he's not sleeping, he's not 
         eating, he's not even sniffing stuff. 
Frasier: Welcome news to Mrs. Frobisher in 13-B.
 Martin: He said he can't find anything wrong with him physically, 
         he thinks it might be an emotional problem.
 Daphne: You know, I've heard they have therapists for dogs.  Do you 
         suppose a dog psychiatrist could be the answer?
Frasier: Only if the question is, "What is the most asinine thing we 
         could possibly do?"
 Martin: Maybe Eddie's just lonely, you know, I was thinking maybe we 
         could get another, er...
Frasier: Stop right there, Dad!  We're not getting another dog.
 Martin: Oh, come on, what could be more fun than having a little 
         brother or sister around the house to play with?
Frasier: I fell for that trick once, Dad!
 Martin: Well, I'm going to get this little guy home.
 Daphne: All right, I'll see you at home.  I'll pick up some beans 
         before I go.

Martin leaves with Eddie as Daphne goes to the counter to pick up her 
beans.  Roz notices a man.

    Roz: Wow.  There's a guy over there checking me out.  He's coming 
         over here, get out.  No, it's too late, just pretend you're 
         not with me. 
  Kagen: Hello, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Dr. Kagen.
  Kagen: I hope I'm not interrupting you?
Frasier: Oh, not at all.  I don't even know who she is.
    Roz: Frasier! [to Kagen] Hi, I'm Roz Doyle.
  Kagen: Dr. Stephen Kagen.
Frasier: Yes, Dr. Kagen moved into my building about three months ago - 
         from Chicago, I believe?
  Kagen: Yes, that's right.  I love what I've seen in Seattle but I'm 
         still finding my way around.
Frasier: Well, Roz is an excellent tour guide.
  Kagen: Really?  Well, if you have an afternoon sometime, maybe you 
         could show me all the hotspots. 
Frasier: [laughs] Oh, I think that can be arranged. 
    Roz: I'd be happy to.  I'm free tomorrow afternoon.  Here's my 
         card. [hands it over]
  Kagen: Great.  I'll give you a call.  Nice meeting you, Roz.  Dr. 
Frasier: Dr. Kagen.

Dr. Kagen leaves as Frasier and Roz chat.

    Roz: [laughs] Thank you, Frasier!  A gorgeous doctor, and I 
         didn't get you anything! [stares at him through window] 
         So, what kind of doctor is he?
Frasier: A gynecologist.
    Roz: [snaps around] That's not funny!
Frasier: What's the matter?
    Roz: He really is?  Oh God, I can't go out with a gynecologist!
         Do you know what they do all day?
Frasier: I have a general idea!
 Daphne: [passes with beans] All right, I'll see you at home. 
    Roz: Hey, would you date a gynecologist?
 Daphne: Oh God, no.
    Roz: [to Frasier] See?
 Daphne: I wouldn't even date a dentist.  Hands in people's mouths 
         all day!  And after watching Eddie's complete physical, 
         I'm not anxious to date a vet anytime soon!

As Daphne exits, we hear the sound of tapping on glass.


Radio Station.
Frasier's story is interrupted by Roz banging on the control room 
partition, holding up a card reading "WHY ARE YOU TELLING HER THIS?!"

Frasier: Oh, [chuckles] anyway, that's really more of a side trip.  
         Getting back to our story - by the time I got home that day, 
         alas, for Eddie was no better.


Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment.
Eddie is laid flat out on Martin's chair.  Martin is on the floor 
waving a cuddly carrot in Eddie's face.

 Martin: Hey look, Eddie, Mr. Carrot!  Oh, he'll give you good 
         eyesight, you'll have a lot of fun with this too!
Frasier: [enters and sees the scene:] Dad.
 Martin: Yeah?
Frasier: What are you doing?
 Martin: Oh, I ran out and bought a bunch of new toys for Eddie.  
         I thought it just might cheer him up, you know?  Hey Eddie, 
         look at this. [shows him a cuddly hamburger:] Hamburger!  
         Juicy, meaty.  I bet you'd like a bite of this, wouldn't ya'?  
         No?  Well, then there's more for me. [pretending to be
         hamburger:] I sure hope you don't take a bite out of me at 
         the side. 

Eddie shows no reaction.  Martin gives up.

 Martin: Did you ever see anything sadder than this?
Frasier: No, I can't say that I have.

The doorbell sounds as Daphne enters.

 Daphne: Oh, that'll be Dr. Crane.  He said he was going to bring his 
         dog over.
 Martin: Oh, not that four-legged Maris!
Frasier: Dad, please.  Don't call it that in front of him.  He has no 
 Martin: How could he not?  It acts like Maris, it barks like Maris, 
         aside from the fact that it eats now and then they're dead 

Daphne opens the door to Niles and his Whippet, Girl.

 Daphne: Hello.
  Niles: Hello Daphne, hello all.  I heard Eddie was down, and I 
         thought a playmate might cheer him up, so voila!
 Martin: I appreciate the offer, Niles, but I've already tried it in 
         the park with real dogs and it didn't work. 
  Niles: Well, you'll change your tune when you see my Girl turn on 
         her charm. [to Girl] Go to Eddie.  Go to Eddie. [nothing] 

Niles picks her up and keeps pushing her into Eddie's face, chanting 
"Do your stuff."  Nothing happens, causing Frasier to laugh, Daphne 
to roll her eyes and Martin to screw up his face. 

  Niles: That's it. [nothing] Oh, oh, I can see her magic working 
         already.  Good girl.

She escapes and runs away down the corridor to Martin's room.

  Niles: Come back, Girl.  Come back here this instant! [nothing] Okay. 
         [prances after her]
 Martin: Oh, Eddie, it's breaking my heart seeing you like this.
 Daphne: How would a nice old batch of Grammy Moon's sugar biscuits 
Frasier: Do you honestly believe he can understand a word you're 
 Martin: Hey, I read somewhere that dogs can understand up to four 
         hundred words.  Now, a super-smart dog like Eddie probably 
         knows a thousand.
Frasier: Oh really, Dad! 
 Martin: Eddie understands a helluva lot more than you give him 
         credit for.
 Daphne: Yes.  Why, just yesterday I said, "Eddie, I've lost my keys" 
         [Eddie looks up] and he looked up at me...

We then see the world through Eddie's eyes.  The picture is in black 
and white.  He hears Daphne sounding a high pitched "mini-mini", 
Frasier sounding a low "yadda, yadda, yadda" and Martin a "Yaka, Yaka". 
However, every time one of them says "Eddie" it comes through clearly. 
Then back in normal vision:

Frasier: ...anything other than the simple fact of his name or a grunt!
  Niles: [enters without the dog:] Well, crisis has passed.  She just 
         needed a little rest.  Fortunately I remembered to bring her 
         sleep mask.

Martin gives Frasier a look but Frasier calms him.

 Martin: Worse, I'm afraid we're going to have bring in one of those 
         dog psychiatrists.
Frasier: Dad, you can't be serious?
 Martin: Well, I'm desperate, we've tried everything else.
  Niles: A dog psychiatrist?
Frasier: Honestly, Dad, they are the very definition of charlatanism! 
  Niles: You simply cannot apply the principals of human psychology 
         to animal behaviour. 
Frasier: Precisely.  Animals operate out of instinct, whereas human 
         beings can reason.
  Niles: Yes.
Frasier: They can cogitate.
  Niles: Yes.  Therefore human beings, through analytical 
         psychotherapy, can...

Now we see the world through Martin's eyes.  Similar to Eddie but in 
colour: Niles and Frasier take nonsensical gibberish and all Martin 
can process is the word "dad."


Scene Four - Radio Station.
Frasier presses a button as we return to his radio show.

Frasier: Thank you for staying with us through the first commercial 
         break.  We're talking to Alice, who has a case of the blues 
         today.  In order to help her through it I am relating a story 
         from my own life.  Any questions so far, Alice?
  Alice: [v.o:] Well, I was wondering, what happened to Roz and the 

Roz gives Frasier a stare.

    Roz: Well, since Frasier did tell the most embarrassing part of the 
         story, something kinda funny did happen...

CUT TO: Café Nervosa.
Stephen Kagen and Roz are on their coffee date at the front table.

    Roz: [to Kagen:] Oh my God, you're kidding!  You were at Camp
         Lakebridge too.  What years were you there?
Frasier: [v.o:] Roz! 

CUT TO: Radio Station.
Frasier is interrupting the story.

Frasier: Roz, we are trying to help this woman.  We don't have time 
         for your pointless tangents. [then:] Anyway, my father 
         finally got his way and made his appointment for the dog 
         psychiatrist, who insisted that the entire household be 
         present for the first session.


Scene Five - Frasier's Apartment.
Frasier, Daphne, Niles and Martin are on the set. 

 Martin: What's keeping this guy?  He should have been here be now!
Frasier: Perhaps he's being detained by his fear of fetching group.

Frasier and Niles laugh.

 Martin: [waves cane:] All right now, you two cut it out!

The doorbell sounds and Martin answers it.  Dr. Shaw is standing there 
who is old, bald and thus the stereotypical "straight and strict" man.

   Shaw: Hello, I'm Dr. Arnold Shaw.
 Martin: Hi Doc, Marty Crane.  Come on in, please.  This is Daphne 
 Daphne: Hello.
 Martin: And my sons, Frasier and Niles. [they greet him] And this, 
         of course, is the patient.
Frasier: I don't suppose whether my father told you, but my brother 
         and I happen to be psychiatrists.
   Shaw: Oh, how nice, I always enjoy being in the company of 
  Niles: I'm sorry, did you say "colleagues" or "Collies?"

Niles and Frasier laugh, no one else does.

Frasier: It's a joke.
   Shaw: [simple:] Very clever, very clever.  So, shall we begin? [to 
         Eddie:] Hello Eddie, I'm Dr. Shaw.  And I'm here to get to 
         know you and help you get better.  You're very sad, aren't 
         you?  It's okay to be sad, sometimes I'm sad too.  We're going 
         to spend the next hour trying to figure out why you're sad.
Frasier: Give a dog an hour, you can bill him for seven!
   Shaw: I'm sorry, I get the feeling that some of us aren't taking 
         this seriously.
Frasier: I apologise, it all just seems a bit silly.
   Shaw: Oh, really?  Silly?  I'll have you know I just attended the 
         funeral of one Buttons MacFahrlen whose owners felt the same 

Niles and Frasier begin laughing but Martin waves his stick at him 
again.  They apologise and the doctor carries on.

   Shaw: First, I'd like to administer a dog personality profile 
 Martin: Oooh!
   Shaw: -I developed.  My first questions are based on how you think 
         Eddie might behave if he were a human being.
Frasier: Oh, boy!
 Daphne: [whisper to boys:] Shush, this is not a joke!  This is very 
   Shaw: If human Eddie were planning a dinner party, what might he 
 Martin: I'd say meatloaf.  But not the plain kind, but the one with 
         the fancy tomato soup glaze on top.
  Niles: It might be a bit under done though, he has trouble reaching 
         the knobs on the stove!
 Daphne: [pause] Poached salmon.  I don't know why!
   Shaw: Interesting.  Question two: What do you imagine human Eddie's 
         first words to be?
Frasier: Well, I hope: Give me a breath mint! [laughs] I'm sorry, I'm 
         sorry.  Right, next one.
   Shaw: What do you imagine would be human Eddie's favourite 
 Martin: Aqua Velva, it's a little strong but I think he can pull 
         it off.
 Daphne: [pause] Grey Flannel.  I don't know why!
Frasier: Cologne?  Well, actually I think he would prefer toilet 
  Niles: By the way, same answer for favourite beverage!

Niles and Frasier laugh and do a little high-five motion dance.

   Shaw: I'm sensing a lot of hostility here.
Frasier: Well, I'm sorry but I don't see the point.  What is any of 
         this telling you about Eddie?
   Shaw: The point was not to learn about Eddie but was to learn 
         about all of you and might I say... [looks at the brothers] 
         mission accomplished!  Well, perhaps now would be a good 
         time for me to examine Eddie one on one.  Is there a room 
         I can use?
 Martin: Oh yeah, my room, second on the right.
   Shaw: Eddie, after you.  This may take a while.

Eddie exits and the doctor follows.  Then out of the blue:

 Daphne: If Eddie were one of the Beatles, I think he'd be George.  
         I don't know why! [exits]
Frasier: And yet she's never been committed.  I don't know why!

End Of Act One. (Time: 12:00)

Act Two.

Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. Frasier, Niles, Daphne and Martin are hanging around waiting for Dr. Shaw and Eddie to come out of their session. Frasier: Okay, I'll say it. What the hell have they been doing in there for the past hour? Martin: Well, he's probably just talking to him. Eddie happens to be very complex and interesting. Frasier: Oh yes, you must remind me to sit beside him at his next dinner party. Niles: Well, be prepared, he'll be up and down checking on that meatloaf! Dr. Shaw and Eddie enter the room. Eddie sits back, depressed, in his same old spot on Martin's chair. Shaw: Well, I have my diagnosis. Frasier: Finally: the white smoke! Shaw: Eddie is indeed depressed. Now if, as you say, there has been no change in his routine, I can only surmise that he's reacting to someone else's unhappiness. Is anyone of you suffering from depression? Frasier: Not me. Daphne: Well, I'm not depressed. Martin: Me, neither. Niles: [grins] I'm cheer personified. Shaw: Well, he's picking it up somewhere. To be on the safe side you should all be conscious of how you behave when you're in front of him. Try to speak in pleasant, happy, tones. [to Eddie:] Goodbye, Eddie. Call me in a few days, let me know how he's doing. Martin: [happy tone:] Okay, thanks for everything, doc! Shaw: Sorry to rush off, but I have a four ? clock appointment at the zoo. There's a hyena there that won't even crack a smile. [then] See, I can joke too! Dr. Shaw exits and enters the lift as Roz quickly runs in. Roz: Hold it! Frasier: Oh my God, Roz, what's happened? Roz: I want to kill myself! Martin quickly changes the tone. Martin: [happily:] Hey Roz, not in front of Eddie! Roz: What? Daphne: [happily:] That gentleman that just left was a dog psychiatrist. Martin: [happily:] He said that it would be a good idea if we all had a happy tone around Eddie. Niles: [happily:] So please tell us, why do you want to kill yourself? Roz: [happily:] Well, I went out with Dr. Kagen and everything was going so great that I almost forgot what he was. Martin: [happily:] What is he? Frasier: [happily:] A gynecologist. Martin: [happily:] Oh, geez, I don't think I want to hear any more about this. Martin takes himself and Eddie out to his bedroom as everyone reverts to their normal tones. Frasier: All right, Roz, what happened? Roz: Well, we went upstairs to his apartment and he poured a glass of wine, and well... do you know what a speculum is? CUT TO: Radio Station. Frasier narrates the story. Frasier: Apparently he was an avid collector of antique gynecological equipment. Roz enters his booth and pours water all over him. Frasier: I just got the signal from Roz that we're running out of time. So, I'll skip ahead in our story. FLASHBACK TO: Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. Niles is playing the piano as Frasier pours himself a sherry. Daphne is gazing out on the streets of Seattle. Roz is sat on the sofa and Martin is fetching a can of beer. Frasier: If you ask me, the man's theory's a whole lot of hooey! Who here has any reason to be unhappy? Daphne: Well, mind you I would never say this if it weren't for Eddie's sake, [to Niles:] but comparatively speaking: Dr. Crane, you have the most to be depressed about, what with your separation from Mrs. Crane and all. Niles: Wha..? I'm not unhappy. Besides, I don't even live here. Daphne: Please, you're here more than I am. Frasier: You know, I hate to say it, but dad, if anyone's giving off unhappiness, I'm afraid it's you. Martin: Me? Frasier: Yes. Martin: You're the one who hasn't had a date in a year. Not to mention two failed marriages. Frasier: And yet you did. Well, maybe I am not entirely happy. Why should I be? My son lives across the country, there's no woman in my life. Maybe it is I that is making Eddie sad? Daphne: Oh, now, now, don't you take all the blame. If I give my life the once-over I realise it's not all jam. I just lost the only boyfriend I've had in years and the biggest thing in my life is that I got all my hair cut off months ago and no-one's even mentioned it. They all start to say how nice it is, but Daphne clears the comments away with her hands. Daphne: No, no. Niles: Daphne, maybe you were right earlier. I'm not so happy. Martin: Or maybe it's me. My life hasn't been a picnic since Hester died. Roz: Now that I think about it, what have I got to be happy about? I mean, I know it has nothing to do with Eddie, but maybe Frasier picked up something from contact with me? Niles: He wouldn't be the first one... [then:] Oh, I'm too depressed! Frasier: How loosely woven is the fabric of our unhappiness... a tug or two and it unravels to reveal how empty our everyday lives really are. Niles: And then there are the empty nights... accompanied by thoughts of loneliness and death. Martin: You think about that too? I thought it was just me. Frasier: Everybody thinks about it. Martin: Do you lie real still and hold your breath and pretend you're in the ground? Frasier: No, that's just you. Roz: When I die, I want it to be on my 100th birthday, in my beach house on Maui and I want my husband to be so upset that he has to drop out of college. Daphne: You know, I once had a psychic tell me the strangest thing. That one day I'd go off my rocker, take up a kitchen knife, kill the entire household and then kill myself. Silly old bag! She was right about my moving to Seattle, though. Martin: Well, I don't know how I wanna go, but all those years around the police morgue taught me a few things. First off, you don't want to swallow Drano or rat poison. And if you're going to kill yourself with an axe, get it right the first time! Frasier: Well, you know, we can talk about it, we can think about it, but nobody really knows how or when. Roz: One second we're alive as anyone else, and then what? Frasier: Darkness, nothingness, afterlife? Niles: I've always liked the notion of meeting the great figures of history. But then I think, what if it's like high school and all the really cool dead people don't want to hang out with me. [carried away:] Mozart'll tell me he's busy but then later I'll see him out with Shakespeare and Lincoln! Martin: Well, I don't know about you but this is depressing the hell out of me. Remember, my bell's coming up sooner than you guys! They all agree and Martin is a little unnerved. Niles: No, no, none of us really knows when our time is up. Roz: And it's never long enough. My great grandmother was 92 years old when she died and the last words to me from her deathbed were, "it's so short." Of course, it was the seventies, she could have been talking about my skirt. Frasier: "I have seen the eternal footman hold my coat and snicker." Niles: T.S Eliot. Frasier: Dead. Niles: "Must not all things at the last be swallowed up in death." Frasier: Plato. Niles: Even deader. Frasier: You know, perhaps Doctor Shaw was right. Perhaps we are the cause of Eddie's depression. Frasier reaches behind him and pulls out one of Eddie's chew dolls he was sitting on. He throws it on the floor. Frasier: Simple beast! It is here beneath the masks of happiness we all wear. As Frasier continues Eddie picks up the chew doll in his mouth and begins happily playing with it. They do not notice. Frasier: The sea that lurks below affected by our sorrows. The once care-free doggy world has been shattered, perhaps forever. Martin notices the scene. Martin: Well, look at him, he's happy again. Could that have been all it was, he was missing his favourite doll? Frasier: I guess Dr. Shaw was wrong after all. He wasn't taking his cue from us, was he? Niles: Well, we were certainly taking a cue from Eddie. I've never been so depressed. Roz: Tell me about it! Daphne: Yeah, I wish I was a dog. All it takes is a little toy to make him happy again. Frasier: I'm afraid we're a bit more complex than that, Daphne. We know for whom the bell tolls! They is a pause before suddenly a bell is heard. Everyone tries to process the sound. Martin: [apprehensive] Anybody else hear that? Daphne: Oh, the biscuits! Frasier: Daphne, by "biscuits" do you mean cookies? Daphne: Yeah, that's right! Martin: Smells good. Niles: Fresh from the oven... Roz: All nice and warm... Daphne: Yes, and I have a fresh pitcher of milk for dipping! Frasier: Oh, and I believe there's ice cream too! Everyone gleams with delight and skips off to the kitchen. DISSOLVE TO: Scene Three - Radio Station. Frasier is finishing his story. Frasier: So Alice, even the happiest of us can find reasons to be unhappy if only we look for them. So don't look for them. Take a tip from our dog friends - treat yourself to your favourite toy, whatever that might be. Alice: I'll do that right now. Thank you, Dr. Crane, I really do feel better. Frasier: This is Dr. Frasier Crane, reminding everyone that life is too short to dwell on every bump in the road. Try to take pleasure in the simple things. In short, eat a cookie! He takes a cookie from a nearby bowl, and then presses a button to sign off before biting into it. However, he screams and drops it to the floor. Frasier: Oh, walnut, I broke a tooth! Now I've got to go to the dentist, he'll tell me I haven't flossed, my lips are going to get all fat - oh, my life sucks! He leaves with his briefcase. End Of Act Two. (Time: 21:00) Credits: Café Nervosa. A girl is sat talking to Dr. Kagen. He gets up to fetch her a drink. Whilst he's away Roz taps her on her shoulder and explains the doctor's little secret. The girl quickly gets up and leaves with Roz as Kagen comes back to an empty seat.

Guest Appearances

 Guest Starring
 TOM LAGLEDER as Dr. Kagen

 Guest Callers
 PATTY DUKE as Alice 

Thanks To...

Transcript written by NICHOLAS HARTLEY
Revised by MICHAEL LEE

Legal Stuff

 This episode capsule is copyright 1999 by Nick Hartley. This episode
 summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount
 Productions and NBC. Printed without permission. 

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