[10.10]We Two Kings

We Two Kings                                Written by Patricia Breen
                                               Directed by Jerry Zaks
Production Code: 10.10
Episode Number In Production Order: 227
Original Airdate on NBC: 10th December 2002
Episode filmed on: 13th November 2002
Transcript written on 27th January 2002

Opening: Christmas lights strung on the Space Needle

Transcript {Erin Evans}

[Act 1]

[Scene 1 - Café Nervosa
Fade in.  Frasier enters and sees Roz seated at a table next to the counter.  
There is a waiter at the table with reindeer antlers on his head.]

Frasier:  Oh, hey Roz.  Can I join you?    
    Roz:  Sure.
Frasier:  [to waiter] Ah... May I have a latté to go, please?  And I... I hope 
          that they're paying you extra to wear that. 

[He takes the seat across from Roz.] 

 Waiter:  No, but I was hoping that it would help me with my tips.
Frasier:  Ah.  Well, as you know my tipping policy stands firmly on the twin 
          pillars of courtesy and efficiency.  But today I shall include - 
          [tips him] — whimsy.  Merry Christmas. 
 Waiter:  God Bless You, sir.
Frasier:  Well... [The Waiter leaves.]    
    Roz:  I'm really surprised Frasier, I didn't think you'd go for something 
          kitschy like that.
Frasier:  It's Christmas time I say let a thousand antlers bloom.    
    Roz:  Oh, well what a relief.

[She takes off her coat to reveal an elf costume.]

Frasier:  Oh... oh, Roz.    
    Roz:  I'm working Santa's Toy Drive at the mall.  I'm an elf.
Frasier:  Roz, if you needed extra cash you should have come to me.  I've got 
          plenty of odd chores around the house.    
    Roz:  [looks disgusted] It's not about money.  I'm volunteering.
Frasier:  Oh!  Well, good for you, yes.    
    Roz:  Yeah, visiting Santa Claus at the department store was one of my 
          favorite memories as a kid.
Frasier:  Mmmm... I always found him terrifying - and inquisitorial.    
    Roz:  When I was seven - my mom and dad took me to the mall to see Santa...
Frasier:  Uh-huh.    
    Roz:  [continuing] They were going through their divorce at the time so they 
          were barely talking.  Anyway, when I sat down on his lap — I started 
          to cry and he was just so nice, he made me feel safe and protected... 
          I don't know, he just made me feel special.  So if I can do that for 
          just one little kid - you know?  I'd like to do that. [She nods]
Frasier:  I'm sorry I laughed at you, Roz.  You should be very proud of yourself.    
    Roz:  Thank you, and I better go before I'm late.

[She gets up from her chair]

Frasier:  Oh, right.  You know what, I'm going too, I'll walk with you.

[He gets up from his chair as Roz picks up her coat from the back of her chair.  
As she passes Frasier, who is now at the counter, the bells on her costume jingle.  
He turns to see her at the door putting an elf hat on her head.]

Frasier:  Actually Roz, [She looks up] why don't you go ahead?  I'm going to 
          get myself a scone.

[Roz leaves and Frasier turns back towards the counter as we fade out.] 

[Commercial Break]

[Scene 2: Frasier's apartment.  Frasier answers the door to Niles and Daphne.  
Martin is in his chair.] 

 Daphne:  Hello!  
  Niles:  Hello, Hello.
Frasier:  Oh, hi guys.  Good to see you.

[As they enter Frasier kisses Daphne on the cheek.  Daphne goes into the living room, 
while Niles starts talking to Frasier.]

Frasier:  Come on in.  
  Niles:  Hey!  Ah, we were hoping to uh, use your wassail bowl.

[Frasier closes the door.]

Frasier:  Oh, I'm sorry.  I've already loaned it to Lawrence Emerson and his 
          mandrel-caroling group.  
  Niles:  Well you can kiss that bowl good-bye.  Frasier, the Yule Tones are 
          the bad boys of Renaissance Christmas music.  Have you ever seen a 
          church common room after one of their performances?
Frasier:  Oh... 
 Martin:  Why don't you just use the punch bowl?
Frasier:  Because then it wouldn't be wassail, it would be punch. 
 Martin:  What's the difference?

[Niles makes noise in the background.] 

 Daphne:  Me dad used to say that punch would make you want to kiss the donkey 
          in the manger scene and wassail makes you want to check into the inn.
Frasier:  That's very funny. [walks over toward her] Uh, listen Daphne, uh, 
          I was just wondering, is your mum partial to a traditional Cornwell 
          dressing?  You see, I'm thinking it'd go splendidly with the 12-lb. 
          Hungarian goose that I'm serving. 

[Martin gets up from his chair.] 

 Daphne:  [laughs and walks over to Niles] Mum is spending Christmas on a cruise, 
          an early Christmas present from Niles.  
  Niles:  Yes, I didn't think she'd go for it, but apparently in international 
          waters you can play single deck Black Jack.
Frasier:  Oh...   
  Niles:  Um, actually Frasier, Daphne and I... would like to have you over at 
          OUR house for Christmas this year. 
 Daphne:  Yeah, we just put up our tree and everything looks so lovely and it 
          is our first Christmas as a married couple.
Frasier:  Well, uh, as lovely as that sounds--  
  Niles:  [interrupting] Oh, come on, why not?!
Frasier:  Uh, well, Niles because it's a little late to be changing things, 
          isn't it?  Besides, we've always had Christmas here, it's a tradition.

[Martin is standing by the desk wearing glasses and holding an open dictionary.]

Martin: "Wassail - a Christmas punch."

[Martin closes the dictionary and places it back on the desk.Niles:  Frasier, you've had Christmas for the past nine years.
Frasier:  Yes, but we agreed that when you hosted Thanksgiving, that we would 
          have Christmas here in its traditional setting.

[Daphne starts to say something, but doesn't.Niles:  Well maybe it's time to start a new tradition.
Frasier:  But I've had new stockings loomed for everyone - now there, you see, 
          you've made me spoil the surprise - and did anyone hear that I have 
          ordered a Hungarian goose?!

[Martin sits back in his chair.Niles:  Which you are more than welcome to bring to our place.
Frasier:  [shouting] It's not my date, it's dinner!

[Niles looks irritated.]

Frasier:  [continued] Honestly Niles, I'm really quite affronted by this. 
          [Walks over to the dinner table and sits down in a chair.] 
 Daphne:  [turns to Niles and whispers] If it means that much to him, why don't 
          we just let him keep it?  
  Niles:  [holding her wrist as she sits down on the couch and then lets go] 
          No, No! [walks over to Martin's chair] There is no reason why just 
          this once we can't host Christmas at the Montana.  Frasier's just
          being a churl.
Frasier:  You're the churl! 
 Martin:  [aggravated] You're both a couple of churls.  How ‘bout a compromise?  
          Say... morning at one house, afternoon at the other. 
 Daphne:  Well, that's a wonderful idea... but who gets morning and who gets 

[Frasier jumps out of the chair that he is sitting in.]

& Niles:  [both raise a hand] Morning! 
 Daphne:  [gets up from couch] I think Niles said it first.

[Niles turns to Frasier and goes "Ha!"  Frasier just gasps.]

Frasier:  Dad, who do you think said it first? 
 Martin:  I'm sick of everything being a contest between the two of you.
Frasier:  Alright then dad, you decide where we're having Christmas.  
  Niles:  I'm fine with that.

[Daphne sits back down.]

Martin: Alright... I will.  I need a few days to think about it... 

[Niles quickly turns his head, like "great."] 

 Martin:  [continues] In the meantime, decision-making is thirsty work, sure 
          could use a beer.  
  Niles:  [runs towards the kitchen] Oh!  I'll get it!
Frasier:  [runs after him] NO!!  
  Niles:  I got it!
Frasier:  Oh, will you shut up! 

[They both exit into the kitchen.]

Martin:  [turns to Daphne] A little trick their mom taught me.

[We fade out]

[Commercial Break]

[Scene 3 - The mall.  
We see Santa and a line of kids in front of him Roz is sitting down in front of him 
in her elf costume.] 

 Santa:  Don't worry Margie, you don't need a chimney.  Santa always finds a 
         way in.  You have a Merry Christmas now.
Margie:  Thank you Santa. 
 Santa:  Ho, Ho, Ho.

[Roz helps the little girl get down.  Frasier enters from the side with a bag.]

Frasier:  Roz!  Hello.

[Roz walks over to him.]    

Roz:  Oh! Hi, Frasier, listen, when I'm at the North Pole my name is Snowflake.

Frasier:  It's a little on the nose, isn't it?

[They both laugh.]

Frasier:  Anyway, I was at the mall and thought that I'd drop off a donation 
          for the Toy Drive.

[He hands Roz a present from his bag.]

Roz:  Thank you very much. 

[She places the present with the others she turns back to Frasier and notices another 
gift in his bag.]     

Roz:  Is this for us too?

Frasier:  No, no, actually this is another "Dancing Santa" for dad.  His other 
          one got damaged.    
    Roz:  I thought you threw that thing over the balcony?
Frasier:  Yes, which damaged it.

[A girl dressed in an elf costume walks over to them.]   

   Santa:  Ho, Ho, Ho.  Well Polly, what would you like Santa to bring you?
Girl Elf:  He wouldn't have to bring me anything, just show up.     
     Roz:  Back off Twinkle, I saw him first.

[Twinkle walks away.]

Frasier:  What's this?  Do I sense a little office romance... here at Santa's 
    Roz:  Oh, I wouldn't mind.  His name is Rick and he's so... sweet.
Frasier:  And let me guess, he's also a hunk?    
    Roz:  Well I wouldn't know, I haven't seen him without his Santa getup yet. 
          But based on those eyes, [looks at Rick, then turns back to Frasier] 
          there's definite potential.

[Twinkle returns with gifts and places them with the others.Santa:  Oh, Ho, Ho.  Santa needs his favorite helper elf.    
    Roz:  Oh, see that, I'm his favorite. [laughs]
Twinkle:  Down Snowflake, I've got this one.    
    Roz:  Okay Twinkle, you go ahead. [then, gasps] Oh, no, is that a zit?

[As Roz rolls her eyes then leaves, Frasier drops his mouth open, while Twinkle puts 
her hand to her face and glances up at Frasier.]

[We fade out]

[Scene 4 - Café Nervosa.  
Frasier is sitting at the table next to the entrance.  Roz enters with her costume 
in a garment bag.]

Frasier:  Oh, Snowflake.  Over here.

[Roz joins him.]    

    Roz:  Hi.  I just got back from the costume shop, I had to get my toes 
          re-curled. [Places her bag across her chair]
Frasier:  Ah, which reminds me.  How are things with Mr. Claus, mm?    
    Roz:  Oh, I haven't had a chance to ask him out yet.
Frasier:  What's the matter?  Low... elf-esteem?    
    Roz:  How long have you been waiting to say that?
Frasier:  Two days.  I almost called you. [both laugh]

[Martin enters and Frasier notices Niles sitting over by the counter.  Martin goes 
over to Niles, who is dusting off his chair.]

Frasier:  What's this?  Niles with dad.  I knew it!    
    Roz:  Oh!  You guys aren't still fighting about -- Christmas?
Frasier:  He's fighting.  I'm not fighting.    
    Roz:  Oh, what is the big deal?  Why don't you let him have Christmas?
Frasier:  Because it is just so unfair.    
    Roz:  What's not fair?
Frasier:  Oh, you wouldn't understand.    
    Roz:  Well come on Frasier, talk to me.  Use your words.
Frasier:  Because, it's so egregious.    
    Roz:  Smaller words.
Frasier:  I don't know.  Okay, look, it just seems that Niles is systematically 
          emptying my home.  We used to have Thanksgiving dinner there... gone!  
          Daphne... gone!  If I let him have Christmas, I'll have nothing left.  
          Just end up some... doddering old bachelor sipping tea and keeping the 
          apartment at a balmy seventy-eight degrees.    
    Roz:  And how is that different from now?

[Frasier gives her a look when he spies Niles giving Martin a thermos with a bow on 
top, from a bag that is on the table.]

Frasier:  Excuse me.  I smell skullduggery afoot.

[He walks over to Martin and Niles.] 

Frasier:  Hey, dad. 
 Martin:  Hey, Fras.
Frasier:  New thermos?  Niles, I'd have never thought you'd stoop so low.  
  Niles:  I have no idea at what you're talking about.  Just buying dad some 
          coffee before driving him to work.
Frasier:  You are trying to bribe dad to have Christmas at your place!

[Niles stands up.]

Niles:  Oh, and what about you?  Buying him the Dancing Santa.  A surprising gift, 
        considering you threw his last one off the balcony!

[Martin gasps and Frasier steps back.] 

 Martin:  You did what?  That Santa never did anything to hurt you, all he ever 
          did was dance and try to make people happy.
Frasier:  Yes, yes, alright dad. 
 Martin:  Why'd you do it--
Frasier:  Oh, alright!  

[N.B. Shouldn't Martin already know that Frasier threw his Dancing Santa off the 
balcony?  Remember in the tag credits of Season Seven, Episode Eleven 
[7.11] "The Fight Before Christmas", Martin sees the hat on the balcony and looks down.  He then turns around to 
see Frasier so he know that HE did it!]

  Niles:  Why do you have to make everything so difficult?
Frasier:  Excuse me Niles, but I have news for you.  Copernicus called and you 
          are not the center of the universe! 
 Martin:  Alright, you two knock it off!  
  Niles:  Let's just settle this now.  [whispering and motioning to Frasier] 
          Sit down.  Dad, make your decision.

[Frasier sits down.] 

 Martin:  You know, I'm really disappointed in you guys.  I thought that if I 
          gave you a little time, you'd be mature enough to work this out on 
          your own.
Frasier:  Well you were wrong! 
 Martin:  Alright, you know what?  I just made my decision.  I'm working Christmas.  
          Jimmy Daily asked me to take his shift and I'm gonna do it because he'll 
          be happier with his family than I am with mine.

[Martin grabs his hat and new thermos and they all stand up.]

Frasier:  Oh, dad, you can't be serious? 
 Martin:  It's too late! [people start to look, walks towards door]  And you 
          don't have to drive me to work, I can call a cab.  I hope you're 
          happy!  You've ruined Christmas!

[Roz gives an "uh-oh" look, the cafe falls silent for a few seconds before people 
start shouting insults.  Frasier turns back to Niles.]

Waiter:  [at counter] Not nice.

[We fade out]

[End of Act I]

[Act II]

[Scene 1 - Martin's Office.  
Niles and Frasier enter and Martin is at the desk.]

Frasier:  Dad, uh, Niles and I would like to apologize.  It was untoward of us 
          to... to argue of where to have Christmas.  
  Niles:  Our conduct was... was self-absorbed and boorish.  Not that we deserve 
          it, but please accept our apologies. 
 Martin:  Apologies accepted.
Frasier:  Uh, thank you dad.  So you'll have Christmas with us? 
 Martin:  Oh, I'm afraid I can't. I promised Jimmy that I'd work, and I can't 
          go back on it.

[An elevator "dings" and an officer comes out.]  

Frasier:  When do you start? 
 Martin:  Six A.M., twelve-hour shift.  It's double time, so I'm not complaining.  
  Niles:  No, that's the whole day.

[Martin shrugs his shoulders at them as his supervisor comes over to them.]  

Supervisor:  Marty, I need you to let maintenance into the electrical closet on 
    Martin:  Will do.  See you boys later.

[Martin leaves as the officer takes his place.]

Frasier:  Bye, dad.  
  Niles:  Wow. [sighs] Christmas without dad.  This just won't be... Christmas.

[As they talk the officer behind them eavesdrops on their conversation.]

Frasier:  I know.  He's always the first one under the tree.  Mom always said 
          that he was the biggest kid, because he could never wait to open his 
  Niles:  Ha, ha.  [sighs] He always puts on a brave face, but I know he 
          especially misses mom on Christmas.

[Niles walks over to the door to leave, but Frasier stops him.]

Frasier:  Niles. Where is it written that we have to have Christmas at either 
          of our homes?  
  Niles:  The Thanksgiving Accord of 2002.
Frasier:  No, no.  What I am saying... is dad has to work.  Why can't we bring 
          the holiday to him?  
  Niles:  You mean just show up and surprise him?  I like that.  We can bring 
          all our gifts and, and food.
Frasier:  Oh, better yet.  What if the gifts were already here?  
  Niles:  But...  [looks confused]
Frasier:  Okay, here's what I'm thinking.

[They both walk over to the tree that is next to the door, looking down at the 
presents as they make their plan.]

Frasier:  We take the gifts that are here and put them under the tree at my house.  
          Get the real gifts and bring them here, all unbeknownst to dad.  
  Niles:  Brilliant.
Frasier:  Can't you just see us casually stopping by on Christmas morning?  
          "Hello, dad.  Merry Christmas, oh it's just a shame that you had 
          to spend Chri- Hello?  What's this I spy?  A present for Martin?"  
  Niles:  [imitating Martin] "That's not for me, those are fake."
Frasier:  Well, here's another one.  One for Niles.  And one for Daphne.  
  Niles:  Oh, geez it's a miracle.
Frasier:  Oh, Niles.  It'll be the best Christmas we've ever had!  
  Niles:  [looks at hand] Look I'm getting goose bumps!
Frasier:  [laughs then stops] Oh no, Niles that's your pine rash, you're too 
          close to the tree.

[As they leave Niles scratches his ear.]

[Scene 2 -  Cafe Nervosa.  
Roz and Daphne are sitting at a table.  Rick is at the counter he turns around 
and notices Roz.]

Rick:  Hey!  Hi, Roz.

[Roz doesn't recognize him.Rick:  [continued] It, it's me, Rick.   
   Roz:  Oh my God, Rick, I didn't even recognize you.  
  Rick:  Ah, Roz and I volunteer down at the mall together.   
   Roz:  Rick plays Santa.  Daphne, this is Rick - Rick, Daphne.
Daphne:  Oh, Roz has told me all about you.  Would you like to join us?  
  Rick:  I'd love to, but I have to get back to my day job.
Daphne:  Oh, what do you do?  
  Rick:  I'm an investment banker.  Could you excuse me for just one second? 

[He goes back to counter.]

Daphne:  Wow, Roz!  You never told me he was so gorgeous.   
   Roz:  Oh, I've never seen him out of his costume, before.
Daphne:  He's successful and he's got great taste.  Those shoes... Enrico 

[Roz looks surprised.]

Daphne:  [continued] Niles is teaching me.

[Rick comes back with a to-go cup.]

Rick:  It's very nice meeting you, Daphne. [she smiles and nods] I'll see you 
       tonight, Roz?  Maybe we could take our break together.  I stuck a bottle 
       of schnapps in my locker. 
 Roz:  [doesn't seem excited] Yeah, maybe.
Rick:  Is something wrong?  You don't like schnapps? 
 Roz:  No!  No, it's just so strange to see you without your beard.  You really 
       should grow one.  It would make your eyes twinkle.
Rick:  Eh, I tried once.  Kinda came in... tough.  I looked like a dog on Rogaine.

[They all laugh.  Rick's laugh is horrible.]   

   Roz:  What was that? 
  Rick:  I-I laughed.   
   Roz:  That's your laugh?  
  Rick:  Yeah.   
   Roz:  Wow, at the mall it's so booming.  
  Rick:  I--I know, I hate that.  It really kills my throat. [turns to Daphne] 
         Very nice to meet you.
Daphne:  Bye, Bye.  
  Rick:  [turns to Roz] I'll see you later.   
   Roz:  Bye.

[He leaves.]

Daphne:  Why are you being so weird?  He seems perfect. [glances out the window]   
   Roz:  I'd don't know, just wasn't what I was expecting.  Something missing.
Daphne:  Like what?   
   Roz:  I don't know.  Well, at the mall he has all this warmth and he's got 
         this jolly sense of humor.  Oh, you should see him when he laughs, his 
         whole stomach shakes.
Daphne:  Oh, my God.  You're in love with Santa Claus.  [she giggles]   
   Roz:  [leans in] No, I'm not.
Daphne:  Well, it makes sense when you think about it.  Santa's the perfect man.  
         He's a good listener, he likes to travel, he gives great presents. 
         [giggles again]   
   Roz:  Give me a break.
Daphne:  Admit it.  You want the jelly belly. [giggles]   
   Roz:  Okay, don't be gross. 

[She grabs her purse from the floor and sets it on the table.]

Daphne:  You want to bang-boots with the big boy. 

[She laughs as Roz gets up from her chair and grabs her coat from it.]   

   Roz:  [puts her coat on] I have to get to work.
Daphne:  [gets up from chair] You want to get your paws on the Claus is more 
         like it.   

[Daphne grabs her coat and purse]

   Roz:   Stop it, Daphne! That's enough! [she exits]
Daphne:  [walks after her] One more: you're a Ho, Ho, Ho.

[We fade out]

[Scene 3 - Frasier's apartment.  
Eddie is on the floor next to Martin's chair drinking eggnog out of a punch bowl. 
He is wearing a plaid outfit.  The camera pans up and we see Martin sitting in his 
chair drinking out of a punch glass.  He finishes and sighs.  Frasier enters from 
his room.]

Frasier:  Dad! [grabs coat from hook] What are you doing still sitting there? 
          [walks over behind the couch] I told you ten minutes ago that we were 
          going out for Christmas Eve ice cream. 
 Martin:  Oh, I changed my mind. Eddie and I are too bloated from the nog.
Frasier:  Well, then maybe we should, uh, take Eddie and uh, walk it off.  
          Come on, mister!  Let's go! 

[He walks over to the door and grabs his keys.]

Martin: [gets his cane and walks to the kitchen] No, I'm gonna be up early for 
        work.  I sure could use somethin' to nibble on, though.

[We see the front door starting to open slowly.  Niles and Daphne are in the 
hallway with an armload of presents they are trying to get in.]

Frasier:  No, no, no, no. [pushes them back into the hallNiles:  Stop pushing.  Stop pushing.

[Frasier shuts the door.]

Frasier:  Listen.  Dad's still here, I couldn't get rid of him.  You'll have to 
          come back in an hour.  
  Niles:  N--N-- No.  We can't do that.  The maintenance man in dad's building 
          was so nervous about us taking these out of the lobby, I promised him 
          we'd have our real gifts under his tree by ten o'clock.
Frasier:  Alright, what we need is a really good distraction. [thinks for a 
          moment] I'll tell you what.  Knock when you think of one. 

[He goes back into the apartment and shuts the door.  Martin comes back into the 
kitchen with a bowl.] 

 Martin:  What were you doing out there?
Frasier:  Nothing.  Thought I heard the door knock. 

[The second he finishes saying this, the door knocks.  Frasier jumps.]

Martin: Hey, that's pretty good.

[Frasier opens the door and Niles and Daphne come in, with no gifts.]

Frasier:  Oh, hello guys.  Dad, look who it is.  It's Niles and Daphne. 
 Martin:  I see 'em.
Frasier:  So, what brings you two here?  
  Niles:  Good question, Frasier.  Daphne? 
 Daphne:  I need your father's help with a present, and that's what we're doing 
  Niles:  Exactly, yes. 
 Daphne:  [goes over to tree and picks up a present] Come on Martin, we can do 
          this in my old room. 
 Martin:  No, problem. 

[He follows her.]

Niles:  Okay, now!  [he goes over to grab some presents]  Real presents go out 
        in the hall by the door, fake presents under the tree.

[Niles takes the presents into the hallway.]

Frasier:  Niles, did you notice my Christmas village?  Would you like to see 
          smoke waft out of the cobbler's chimney?
  Niles:  [places gifts next to the elevator] Uh, maybe later. [grabs presents 
          from the pile next to the apartment door and brings them in] Frasier, 
          I have to warn you.  These prop boxes are heavy - some idiot weighed 
          them down with bricks.

[He passes Frasier who has a pile of presents.]

Frasier: [takes his presents into the hall] Just with our luck, we get the only 
         lobby decorator in all of Seattle. 

[He places his presents next to the apt. door and grabs the ones that Niles had just 
placed next to the elevator.  He brings those into the apartment and passes Niles.Frasier:  How much time do you think Daphne can buy over dad?
  Niles:  Not much. [stops at door] They're just putting batteries in the digital 
          camera that we're giving you. [gives an "oops" look, then he does his 
          famous grin]  Act surprised. [goes into the hall]
Frasier:  Right! [places his presents by the tree]

[Daphne yells as she comes into living room with Martin following.]

 Daphne:  I said I'd get them!!
 Martin:  Oh, you'll never find them.  How could you ask me to put batteries in 
          when you didn't bring any batteries? [Niles enters with an armload of 
          presents as he sees Martin]  Now, boys, you know the rules.  No shaking 
          the presents.
Frasier:  You see Niles, I told you.

[Niles pretends to shake the gifts.  Daphne comes out of the kitchen.]

 Daphne:  I found them.  Let's go.  [Martin and her head back, but Frasier stops her.]

Frasier:  [whispering] Daphne!  No more surprises.
 Daphne:  Oh, you mean like finding your father here, when the apartment's
          supposed to be empty?! [goes back to the bedroom]
Frasier:  Well, you can blame that on the nog!! 

[Niles places presents under the tree as he picks up a new pile.]

  Niles:  [places them in the hall near the elevator] Frasier, [grunts and picks 
          up a pile next to the apt. door] I think I'm going to sleep tonight, 
          I feel like I'm ten years old.

[Frasier takes presents to hall, Niles looks at him funny, like he notices that 
Frasier has the wrong gifts.]

Frasier:  Yes.  Only this time we have the merry chance of playing Santa. 

[Frasier laughs as he puts his presents with the ones next to the elevator and picks up
a new pile that is next to the apt. door.] 

Frasier:  Niles, I'm so sorry that we almost ruined Christmas with our arguing.  

[Niles passes Frasier with a pile of presents.  He then looks at the presents that 
Frasier has and stops walking.]

  Niles:  Stop!  
Frasier:  What?
  Niles:  I just took that from under the tree.
Frasier:  No, you didn't.
  Niles:  Yes, I did.  I know, ‘cause that's real and fake ones are in a pile 
          by the door.
Frasier:  The elevator door?
  Niles:  No, the apartment one!  That's where all the fake ones are!
Frasier:  Great.  Now what do we do?
  Niles:  Well here, alright, you take these.
Frasier:  Yes.
  Niles:  I take those.

[They mumble words as they go in the wrong directions.]

Frasier:  What are we...
  Niles:  Where do we go?
Frasier:  How the hell should I know?

[Martin starts talking as Niles and Frasier put both piles under the tree.]

 Martin:  That's a flat head and I need a Phillips head. [Daphne follows.]
  Niles:  [he motions Frasier to place the presents under the tree] See, I told 
          you, if you rearrange them they look fuller. [Makes it look like he was 
          arranging them]
Frasier:  Yes, yes, I see what you mean, Niles.  It's all a matter of perspective.
 Martin:  Wow, it looks like twice as many.  Uh, put them back the way they were 
          and show me how you did that. [he motions with his finger]
 Daphne:  [comes out of the kitchen] Got the Philips.  Let's go.  

[She motions for them to "move it along" while Martin heads back to the bedroom.]

  Niles:  He could be an assassin in those slippers.
 Daphne:  Are you two going to switch the presents?  Or are you going to argue 
          about whose Christmas village is bigger? [she heads to the bedroom]
Frasier:  [gasps as Niles picks up a pile of "real" presents from under the tree] 
          I knew it!  You didn't compliment mine, because you have one too.
  Niles:  [turns around with presents in hand] I didn't compliment yours, because 
          yours is so poorly laid out!!
Frasier:  Alright, alright.  We don't have time for this, now which ones are which?
  Niles:  Oh, oh!  I have them all organized.  Here, take those out. [hands Frasier 
          the pile of gifts and gets some for himself to take out]
Frasier:  Are you sure?
  Niles:  Yes, absolutely.  These-these are the real ones.  These go to dad, 
          out in the hall and we'll take them together.  [both go to the hall]
Frasier:  Fine. alright, alright.  [starts to mumble]
  Niles:  Fine, then here. [sets gifts down in the hall] Now we're all set.  
          [takes gifts from Frasier] All the fake ones are under the tree.
Frasier:  Yes, now you put those in the elevator.  I'll tell Daphne the coast 
          is clear. 

[Frasier shuts the door.  Daphne comes out of the bedroom with Martin following, 
sounding sorrowful.] 

 Daphne:  Do you have any idea how much I paid for that?
 Martin:  Well, it's not my fault.  Those little plastic hinges snap off if you 
          look at them.
 Daphne:  Now what am I supposed to give as a gift, now?
 Martin:  Oh, stop cryin'.  Just put a little duct tape on it and it'll be good 
          as new.
 Daphne:  [shouting] It was new! [goes to kitchen]
Frasier:  [runs to kitchen] Here Daphne, I'll help you find the tape.

[Eddie is at the front door barking.  Martin walks over to the coat rack.]

Martin:  What's the matter, boy?  Too much eggnog, huh? [laughs] Okay. [yells 
         to kitchen] Hey, Daph.  Be sure and to use the silver duct tape, not 
         the brown.  The silver will match the camera- [goes over to the door] 
         oop! - the present.  I'm takin' Eddie for a walk.

[Frasier runs out of kitchen to catch Martin.]

Frasier:  Wait, dad!  I'll do that.  You should just relax.
 Martin:  No, that's alright.  I need the fresh air. [opens door, we see Niles]  
          Uh-oh.  What's this, more presents?  Is this why you were trying to 
          keep me busy back there?
  Niles:  [not sure of what to do] Yes.
 Martin:  [laughs]   Oh, ohh, why, you didn't need to do that.  Bring 'em on in.  
          Frasier, give your brother a hand.  

[Frasier goes into hall as Niles comes in with a pile of presents.  They give 
each other looks.]

Martin:  [Frasier comes in with a pile] Mix them all up, so they'll look fuller.

[Niles turns around at the tree to give Martin a look.]

[Scene 4 - Frasier's Apartment, Christmas Morning.  Fade in.  Doorbell rings and Frasier opens the door to Niles and Daphne.] All Three:  Merry Christmas! [Niles and Daphne come in.  Frasier kisses Daphne on the cheek, Frasier then hugs Niles.]   Niles:  Hey.  Hi. Frasier: Niles.  So... how are you?   Niles:  Well, uh, tired and a little poorer. [Frasier sighs as he walks over to the coat rack] Had to bribe the maintenance man at dad's building           to get him to stay late.  Which reminds me, on your next show you have to give something called a  Shout Out to a Steve Gomez. [he shrugs his shoulders] Frasier: [has coat in hand] Right. [walks to door] Daphne:  [laughs] This is so exciting,  I can't wait to see the look on your           Father's face when we go over there and surprise him. [As they head out the door Martin comes out from the hall dressed in matching pj's and robe.] Martin: Merry Christmas! [Daphne, Niles and Frasier quickly turn towards him in shock.] Frasier: Dad, uh, what are you doing here?   Niles:  [looks at his watch] Yes, aren't you supposed to be at work? [laughs slightly] Martin: [walks down the steps] Oh, the boss called, I don't have to go in.            Seems he was feeling guilty about me missing Christmas with my family.            [picks up a present]  Ooh, heavy.  This must be a good one, [walks over to his chair and sits down] unless it's a book. Daphne:  But, who's covering the desk? Martin: Nobody, she's shut down tight 'til tomorrow.  Now, I have just enough           patience to wait for the cocoa before I start tearing into these. [The others look horribly sad.] Niles:  Um... dad? Martin: [sad ] Don't tell me there's no cocoa. [Niles, Daphne and Frasier look at each other.] [Scene 4 - Martin's Office.  Daphne, Niles, Martin and Frasier are standing at the entrance.  Daphne is knocking at the glass doors.] Daphne:  [Frasier taps on the door, too] Hello?  Hello?   Niles:  You'd think there'd be a custodian or someone in there. Martin: Nah, I knew it'd be a long shot.  There won't be anyone in 'til           tomorrow morning. Frasier: Sorry, dad. Martin: Oh, forget it.  It was a really sweet gesture.  Would have been terrific,           but... [He places a hand each on Niles and Frasier's shoulders.  Daphne turns and smiles.] Frasier: [looks up, then back down] You know, we could throw a brick through           the glass, but they're all wrapped up under our tree. [they all smirk] [We fade out] End Credits:  The family is sitting around the Christmas tree at the office.  Martin hands Daphne a big red box, she lifts the lid and pulls out a pink robe, while Frasier, who is next to her opening a gift and finds the digital camera with duct tape on in.  Someone passes Daphne, Niles and Frasier say "hello" and the camera pans up and we see a few more people pass.  (It is the next morning) Martin gets up and takes off the robe that he has on and Niles looks at his watch.  Martin then goes over to the front desk.  The rest of the family stay and Niles picks up another gift.

Guest Appearances

 Guest Starring 
 DEAN CAIN as Rick  
 RICK FITTS as Supervisor

Legal Stuff

 This episode capsule is copyright 2002 by Erin Evans.  
 This episode summary remains property of Frasier, 
 Copyright  of Paramount Productions and NBC.  
 Printed without permission.

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