[9.1]Don Juan In Hell


Don Juan In Hell                           Written by Sam Johnson  
                                                    & Chris Marcil
                                           Directed by Kelsey Grammer
=====================================================================
Production Code: 9.1
Episode Number In Production Order: 193
Episode Filmed On: 14th August 2001
Original Airdate on NBC: 25th September 2001
Transcript written on 26th September 2001
Transcript revised on 24th April 2004

Cast List [in order of appearance]

FRASIER CRANE..........................................KELSEY GRAMMER

DR. LILITH STERNIN......................................BEBE NEUWIRTH

DIANE CHAMBERS...........................................SHELLEY LONG

NILES CRANE.........................................DAVID HYDE PIERCE

DAPHNE MOON...............................................JANE LEEVES

CLAIRE FRENCH.......................................PATRICIA CLARKSON

MARTIN CRANE.............................................JOHN MAHONEY

WAITER.............................................BERNARD K. ADDISON

PHOTOGRAPHER..............................................RICK NEGRON

MAINTENANCE GUY...........................................TED D. LYDE

ROZ DOYLE.................................................PERI GILPIN

LANA GARDNER...............................................JEAN SMART

KIRBY...................................................BRIAN KLUGMAN

LUGGAGE CLERK..............................................CHRIS REED

BOB......................................................BRIAN KERWIN

KRISTI..................................................MORGAN NAGLER


Bring On The Girls!

[with apologies to Mr. Wodehouse]

"Listen, I know how bleak things can look when you're going through
a dry spell, but they always end sooner or later.  I remember once in
Boston feeling exactly the way you do now - and the very next week, I
met a lovely barmaid.  Sophisticated, if a bit loquacious.  We fell 
madly in love, we got engaged... Of course, she left me standing at 
the altar - but the point is, I didn't give up.  I took my poor, 
battered heart and offered it to Lilith... who put it in her little 
cuisinart and hit the puree button.  But I rebounded!  And look how 
far I've come... I'm divorced, lonely, and living with my father - 
who cares less about me than he does about his foul-breathed flea 
resort of a dog." 
- Frasier, consoling Daphne about her love life

And so it has been for eight years - though not for lack of variety:

Hester Crane (Rita Wilson)
Frasier's deceased mother, also a psychiatrist.  He once dated a 
woman, Mia Preston, who looked exactly like her (Wilson again).

 Appearances: [7.01] Momma Mia

N.B. Hester was played by Nancy Marchand on Cheers. 

Nanette "Nanny" Gee (Dina Waters)
Frasier's first wife, a Raffi-like children's entertainer.

N.B. Nanny appeared once on Cheers, played by Emma Thompson.

Diane Chambers (Shelley Long)
"She's a one-time Boston barmaid who had a nervous breakdown and 
ended up in a sanitorium, where I met her, fell for her, and then 
was so mercilessly rejected by her that to this day there is a 
sucking chest wound where once there dwelled a heart!" 
- Frasier, explaining Diane to Daphne

 Appearances: [2.09] Adventures In Paradise [Part II]
              [3.14] The Show Where Diane Comes Back

Dr. Lilith Sternin (Bebe Neuwirth)
"Strange, I usually get some sign when Lilith is in town - dogs 
forming into packs, blood weeping down the wall..."
- Niles on Lilith

Frasier's second wife (also a psychiatrist), and the mother of his 
son Frederick.

 Appearances: [1.16] The Show Where Lilith Comes Back
              [2.08] Adventures In Paradise [Part I]
              [2.09] Adventures In Paradise [Part II]
              [4.07] A Lilith Thanksgiving
              [5.15] Room Service
              [7.09] The Apparent Trap
              [8.24] Cranes Go Caribbean

Lana Gardner/Lorna Lenley (Jean Smart)
The prom queen at Frasier's high school.  Still beautiful, but 
possessed of a volcanic temper and the voice of an air raid siren.

 Appearances: [7.14] Big Crane On Campus
              [8.21] Semi-Decent Proposal
              [8.22] A Passing Fancy
              [8.23] A Day In May
              [8.24] Cranes Go Caribbean

Claire French (Patricia Clarkson)
The "perfect" woman for Frasier (she actually has more in common 
with him than Niles does, if you can believe that).

 Appearances: [8.21] Semi-Decent Proposal
              [8.22] A Passing Fancy
              [8.24] Cranes Go Caribbean


Transcript {Mike Lee}

[N.B. The title of this episode is based on a title card from Episode 
5.19, "Frasier Gotta Have It"]

PROLOGUE

PREVIOUSLY ON FRASIER
Scenes From "Cranes Go Caribbean" Claire and Frasier in their hotel room: Claire: I'm crazy about you. I just started to feel like you didn't want to be here with me. Frasier: Oh gosh, nothing could be further from the truth. They hug. CUT TO: Frasier and Claire in bed together: Frasier: I'll tell you something else. I'm happy. He rolls over in bed. The woman next to him rolls over - it is now Lana. Lana: I'm glad, Frasier. I'm happy, too. They kiss and embrace. CUT TO: Frasier on the phone in the hotel lobby: Frasier: I'm on vacation with my girlfriend, Claire - a woman who, by all conventional measures, is "perfect" for me. And yet I've just had a vivid, sexual dream about someone who differs from her entirely. [ ] It's a woman named Lana... FADE TO: ACT ONE
HELL ON WHEELS
Scene One - Frasier's BMW Frasier is driving along a country road. Seated beside and in back of him, respectively, are Lilith and Diane. Diane: Excuse me, but why do I have to sit in the back seat? Seriously, my legs are starting to cramp back here- Lilith: Seriously, why is she here at all? Diane: I have just as much right to be here as you! Lilith: "Here" doesn't mean the front seat! Frasier: All right, listen, ladies, we've got about an hour to go. I would like to have a little quiet, I'm going to turn on some music. Frasier turns on an opera station. FADE TO:
ONE WEEK EARLIER IN BELIZE
Scene Two - Hotel Restaurant Martin, Daphne, and Claire are eating brunch together. Niles joins them. He is now sporting a bushy goatee. [N.B. Odd, in light of Niles's past comic attempts to grow a mustache. See [4.22], "Are You Being Served?" and [6.20], "Dr. Nora."] Niles: Morning, gang. [they all ad-lib hellos] Daphne: How's my natural man? Niles: Mmm, as hungry as I am hairy. [kisses her] Claire: No kidding, that goatee sure came in fast. Niles: I know. I credit the hothouse atmosphere of this tropical paradise — that and our nearly constant nudity. [Daphne chuckles] Gone is the citified dandy of just last week. In his place stands a feral Caliban, a sandy-bottomed Dionysius, a lusty, insatiable - ooh, scones! He takes one. A waiter brings a plate of pancakes for Claire. Waiter: Here is your special order. Claire: Thank you. Martin: I'm starving. Claire and I have been up fishing since 5 A.M. Daphne: You've already got more fish than we could eat in a year. Martin: Well, we didn't just fish! We went for a swim, we explored some caves, and watched a school of dolphins- Claire: But the best part was when he taught me how to hypnotize a lobster. Daphne: You what? Martin: It's all in the eyes. He stares wide-eyed at Claire, then they both laugh. Claire: Hey, Marty, try this. [offers a bite of pancake] Martin: [eats it] Mmm, not bad! Hey Niles, try this pancake! Claire had them crumble the bacon right into the batter. Niles: Oh, I don't really like pancakes. Martin: Well, that's 'cause you're used to Daphne's. Here. Daphne looks wounded as Niles eats a bite. Niles: Oh, those are magnificent! Martin: Yeah! And Claire invented them! Daphne: Yes, no doubt on the seventh day while You were resting. [laughs] Frasier joins them. Frasier: Good morning, all. [everyone greets him] Claire: Hello, my sweet darling man. Frasier: [kisses her] Hello... kiddo. Daphne: So, have they found your luggage yet, Dr. Crane? Frasier: If they had, would I be wearing this shirt three days in a row? Huh, fat chance. A photographer comes over. Photographer: Souvenir of your stay? Martin: Oh, sure! Frasier: By all means. Martin: Yeah, this is a brunch to remember. Niles: It's not a vacation until Dad takes a picture of one of his meals. They pose on one side of the table - Daphne with her arm around Niles, Martin with his arm around Claire, Frasier hunching over them all. The photographer takes the picture. Frasier: Very good! Thank you very much, well done. [tips him] Photographer: You can pick them up at the front desk. Frasier: Thank you. Claire: [gets up] Well, sorry to run off, but I have to finish packing. Frasier: Right. Claire: I'll see you up at the room. Frasier: OK. They kiss, and Claire leaves. Everyone ad-libs goodbyes. Frasier sits down. Martin: Oh, she's a real find, Fras. Frasier: Yes, she is, isn't she? [waves the photographer back] Oh, excuse me? Photographer: Yes? Frasier: Do you think we could have another picture, of just the family? Photographer: No problem. Frasier: Thank you. Martin: Well, what about Claire? She's practically family. Frasier: Oh, very much so, but there may come a time when... say, she isn't. They pose as before (minus Claire), and the photographer takes the picture. Frasier: Thank you again. Martin: [checks his watch] Oh, hey! We better get going, Daph. We got fish to pack! [he and Daphne get up] Oh, and I didn't fillet 'em, because Claire said you can use the heads for soup! Daphne: Well, when I'm chopping them off, I'll be thinking of her. They leave. Frasier sits next to Niles. Frasier: Niles, listen, I didn't want to say anything in front of the others, but I find myself in a bit of a quandary. Well, it's not so much a quandary, really, it's more of, uh, a pickle. Well, not so much a pickle, but well, but, no more than a, a... a cornichon. Niles: What is it? Frasier: I think I want to be with Lana, not Claire. Niles: Forgive me, Frasier, but that's one big-ass cornichon. Frasier: I know, I know. I'm having a perfectly wonderful time with Claire, it's just that my mind keeps drifting back to Lana. Niles: For God's sake, why? She's loud, she's crass- Frasier: Yes, yes, but she's also challenging, and sexy, and exciting. I'm just afraid I may have let go of that too hastily. Niles: Frasier, you do this every time. You are in a great relationship with Claire. Don't overthink it. Embrace it. Frasier: You're right, Niles. Thank you. Yes, I should just go with it. Gosh, I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I keep insisting on overanalyzing everything. SMASH CUT TO: Close-Up of Martin. Martin: [whispering] Because you're crazy, that's why! They are on the plane returning to Seattle. Frasier is sitting across from Martin, Claire is asleep in the seat next to him. Martin leans back to allow a woman to walk down the aisle, then leans forward again. Martin: Claire's perfect for you, but I like her too! How many times does that happen? Frasier: But what about Lana? Martin: Oh, forget Lana! Stay with Claire. [stares at Frasier, chanting] Stay-with-Claire. Stay-with-Claire. Frasier: Dad, I am not a lobster. Of course I'm going to stay with Claire. I was just going through some momentary doubts, and I needed your guidance. Martin: Well, glad you got what you needed. Frasier: Thank you. I feel completely at ease now. No more doubts, no more nagging questions. I'm just being a little overly cautious, that's all. SMASH CUT TO: C.U. of Daphne. Daphne: Who could blame you? She and Frasier are standing by the bathroom at the rear of the plane. Daphne: I'm not sure about Claire either. God knows she has quite the fan club around here, but I think you can do much better. You'll know when you meet the right person. You feel it in your gut. Behind her, Niles rushes into the bathroom with a hand over his mouth. Frasier: It's true. But you see, I don't want to feel like I'm leading her on. Maybe I should just tell her what I'm going through. You know, be completely honest. SMASH CUT TO: C.U. of an Airport Maintenance Guy. Guy: Whoa, that's just what you don't want to do. The plane is now on the ground and empty, except for Frasier and the Maintenance Guy. Frasier: So, you vote for Claire? Guy: I don't know. Lana has her good points. And don't underestimate the crush you had on her in 11th grade. But Claire can give you sophisticated conversation. And she leaves a clean area! He motions to Claire's seat, where the pillow and blanket are neatly folded. Guy: I don't envy you your choice. Lift your feet, please. Frasier does, allowing the Maintenance Guy to vacuum the floor under them. FADE TO: Scene Two - Cafe Nervosa Roz is reading at a table. Niles, wearing shorts, a tropical shirt, and his beard, gets his coffee from the counter. Niles: Excuse me, miss, do you have the time? Roz: [glances up, then checks her watch] Yes, it's- [double-take] Niles? Niles: [Jamaican accent] Ya, mon! Roz: You look... did you get hit on the head by a coconut? Niles: The coconut of revelation. I discovered a whole new side of myself in Belize, and I'm not going to abandon Island Niles just 'cause my vacation's over. Roz: Well, Island Niles might want to rethink the short pants. Niles: Island Niles would prefer not to wear pants at all. You should have seen us, Roz - out in the elements, nothing on our bodies but sunblock 120. It was exhilarating and primal, and... frankly, it's disappointing to have to strap myself back into these fabric shackles. Roz: So you're going to be spending your time at the nude beach now? Niles: Seattle has a nude beach? Roz: Well, not officially, but just south of Alki, there's this little strip near the White House. Niles: Thanks for the tip, Roz. Roz: Here's another one: don't go on Thursdays, it's Senior Volleyball Day. Frasier comes in. Frasier: Oh well, Roz, I see you've met Island Niles. At least he did you the courtesy of putting a shirt on. Niles: [proudly] I'm still not wearing underpants. Niles makes the "Hang Loose" sign at Roz and leaves. Frasier: [to the counter person] May I have a latte, please? [sits down] Well, Roz, you'll be pleased to know I have come to a decision: Claire it is; So long, Lana! Roz: Are you sure? Frasier: Trust me, Roz. The brain is racked, the soul is searched, the window is closed. Claire in, Lana out. Roz: I'm glad to hear it. Frasier: Yes. Lana and Kirby come into the Cafe. Lana: Hey, Roz. Hi, Frasier. Frasier: Lana, uh, hi, uh... hello. Lana: Wow, you look great. Frasier: Not as great as you do. I mean, thanks. Kirby: Hey, Roz. Roz: Kirby. Kirby: It's been too long. Roz: No, it hasn't. Kirby: Or has it? Roz: No. Frasier: So, what brings you here? Lana: Well, actually we just picked up the invitations for Kirby's graduation party. Frasier: Oh! Lana: Roz, you're invited too. After all, you motivated Kirby to study. Roz: Well, no, Frasier was the one who helped him. I was just his last-minute prom date. Kirby: You were the prize that I kept my eyes on! And, uh, for your FYI, I'm cool for hanging out, just as platatonic friends, or whatever. Lana: Um, Kirby, we should go if we're gonna pick up your inhaler. Kirby: Thanks a lot, Mom! [to Roz] I only need it in the fall. Lana: Well, we'll see you at the party. Frasier: Right. Lana: Hey, Frasier, don't you be a stranger. Frasier: Oh, no, I-I won't. Uh, don't you be a stranger, either. To me. Lana looks confused, but she laughs it off. She and Kirby leave. Roz: Let me guess: Lana in, Claire out. Frasier: What, that? Oh, that was nothing. It's just, she merely caught me off guard. Don't go reading anything into that. Roz: OK, if you say so. [gets up] Listen, Frasier, I got to go. Frasier: Oh, alright. Roz: But let not... either us... be strangers... be. She touches his shoulder flirtatiously and leaves. Frasier chafes. FADE TO: Scene Three - Airport Storage Room Frasier is standing at the counter. A luggage clerk hauls in a large bag. Clerk: Oh, I apologize for the inconvenience, but, uh, at least there's a happy ending, right? Frasier: [sarcastic] My suitcase is inside this to keep it safe? Clerk: So... Frasier: That is not my bag. Clerk: Right. I'll keep looking. He disappears to the back again. Another customer comes in. Man: Have you been waiting here long? Frasier: Time is irrelevant here in the Seventh Circle of Hell — a place where even despair dies. Prepare yourself for a lifetime... Man: Oh, here it is! Frasier: Oh, well, how nice for you. The man picks up one of two suitcases sitting by the counter. He turns to go, but stops. Man: Hey, you're Dr. Frasier Crane, aren't you? I'm a big fan! Frasier: [shakes his hand] Oh, it's always nice to meet a fan. Man: Yeah, thanks. Hey, do you give advice, you know, off the clock? Frasier: Well, this isn't really a good time. Man: Well, because I've really gotten my life into a tangle. Frasier: I'm sorry. Man: No, but, you see, I'm torn between these two women! Frasier: I'm listening. Man: I'm with this woman, her name's Kathy, she's great. But the only problem is, I can't stop thinking about my ex. I mean, she was a real handful, but now that we're apart, I just miss her like crazy. Frasier: Of course you do! And no matter how hard you try to focus on this new relationship, your mind keeps drifting back to her. Man: Exactly! I mean, I even have these, um... Frasier: Dreams! Man: Yes! Wow, you're good. What should I do? Frasier: Well, what are you thinking of doing? Man: Classic shrink response. Um, I'm thinking... do I really want to break things off with this woman? Frasier: Who you thought was so perfect for you. Man: OK, but how perfect could she be if I'm obsessing about another woman? Frasier: That's the conundrum! Man: I know, but am I sure enough to break her heart? Frasier: Especially when the rest of the family just loved her. Man: Yeah- no, they don't. Frasier: Alright, stick with me, stick with me. It all boils down to this: which of these two women do you see spending the rest of your life with? Man: Right. Right, of course. Well, I think it's pretty obvious what I have to do. What a relief! Thanks, Doc. [starts to leave] Frasier: Wait, wait! Let's go back! Just so I'm sure you're sure- Man: Yeah. Frasier: Who are you picking? Man: My ex! I mean, if I'm really honest with myself, she's the one I love. As long as I stay with Kathy, I'm just being a jerk. Frasier: No, well, to be fair, you have struggled with these issues. Man: No, I've really just been trying to have my cake and eat it too. [shakes his hand] Thanks, Dr. Crane. I know what I have to do now. The Man leaves. Frasier seems to have made his decision. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO Scene Four - Apartment Martin is finishing a sandwich in his Armchair. Daphne comes in the door with the groceries. Daphne: I'm sorry I'm a little late, I'll start your lunch right away. Martin: Oh, no need. Claire made the best deviled ham sandwich in the history of deviling. Daphne: Oh, too bad. I missed her. Martin: Mm, more good news! She's still here. Claire comes out of the kitchen with another sandwich. Claire: Here you go, Marty. Martin: Oh, thanks, toots. Daphne: Claire! I can't imagine you came all the way over here just to make sandwiches. Claire: Oh, no. Here, let me take those. [takes the groceries] I'm making fish jerky. [heads back to the kitchen, but stops] You know the secret to making fish jerky, don't you, Marty? Martin: No idea. Claire: Feed 'em coffee. Martin: Feed 'em...? [laughs uproariously, Claire laughs with him] That's terrific! You hear that, Daph? Daphne: I'm standing right here. Martin: Don't you love her laugh? It's like music. Claire: Marty, you are just the sweetest! [goes to the kitchen] Daphne: You used to think my accent sounded musical, didn't you... Marty? Martin: Yeah, but now I'm used to it. Niles comes in the front - clean-shaven, wearing his traditional suit. Niles: Afternoon, Daphne, Dad. Martin: Niles. Daphne: What happened to my noble savage? Niles: [hangs up his coat] I'll tell you what happened. Roz told me about this wonderful nude beach, so I went down there this morning to check it out for us. Well, it was so peaceful I decided to do my sunrise Tai Chi, have my naked body caressed by the rosy fingers of the new dawn, you know? Martin: Oh, jeez. [N.B. Niles's last phrase is an oft-repeated line from Homer.] Niles: Well, I left my clothing and my cares in the car, walked down to the beach and settled in for my first exercise, "Grasping the Bird's Tail." He raises his arms in a martial arts pose. Daphne nods and mirrors him. Niles: Just at that moment, the sun peeked over the mountaintops, illuminating not only my splendid nakedness, but the bus for the Christian Women's Society. Martin: They went to a nude beach? Niles: No, and neither did I. Uh, the next few minutes are a blur, as I zig-zagged my way back to the car, while being pelted with driftwood and Bibles. Needless to say, Island Niles died on that beach. Daphne is trying hard not to laugh, but hugs him maternally. Daphne: Oh, honey. Will he ever be back? Niles: Maybe at Christmas. Frasier comes in. Frasier: Hello, all. [sees Niles] Oh, Niles, welcome back. Claire emerges from the kitchen. Claire: Hi, Frasier. Frasier: Claire. Claire: Did you get your luggage? Frasier: Uh, no. They didn't have it. Uh, could I see you in the kitchen for a minute? Claire: Sure. Frasier follows her into the kitchen. Daphne: OK, Mr. Crane, it's time for your exercises. Martin: Already did 'em. Niles: When have you ever done your exercises before lunch? Martin: Claire and I did 'em together. She has a way of making them seem like fun! Daphne: Yeah, well, if they're fun they're not really working, but all right! Martin: Actually, Claire says- Daphne: Oh, shut up. In the kitchen: Claire: If we need privacy, it's either very good or very bad. Frasier: Well, it's-it's not so good, I'm afraid. Uh, I realize this is sudden. It's just that I've been tossing and turning for the last several days, and I just can't keep going like this. Claire: Well, what are you talking about? Frasier: Well, Claire, I'm talking about... parting ways. I'm sorry. She is heartbroken. Claire: It's over? Just like that? Frasier: Claire, I realize how painful this must be for you. She kicks him in the right shin. Frasier: Ow! You kicked me! Claire: Well, you dumped me! She storms out. Frasier: I said I was sorry! She rushes back in and kicks him in the right shin again. Frasier: OW! Reset to: Hallway Niles and Daphne are standing outside the elevator in each other's arms. Niles: Well, I guess I'll go home and take down the hammock. I love you, darling. [kisses her] Daphne: I love you, too. As Niles steps onto the elevator, his cell phone rings. Niles: Hello? Hello, Roz. The wrong beach, really? Thanks for the warning, that would have been embarrassing. The elevator doors close. As Daphne stands there shaking her head, Claire comes out and tearfully pushes the button. Daphne: Well, see you later. Claire: Well, actually you won't. Frasier just dumped me. Daphne: What? What happened? Claire: I honestly don't know! I was having such a good time, and... now I'm out here. I-I don't even know what went wrong! As she starts to sob, Daphne feels no impulse to hug her, but leans forward sympathetically. Daphne: Oh, um, I'm sorry. Claire: I really liked him. I liked all of you so much. I was starting to feel like part of the family. I was... hoping we'd end up like sisters. Daphne: Sisters? Claire: I never had a sister, [voice breaks] just brothers. Daphne: [voice breaks] Same here! They hug each other, sobbing. Reset to: Living Room Frasier limps out of the kitchen. Martin: What the hell happened? Claire just ran out of here without even saying goodbye. Frasier: We broke up. Martin: What?! Frasier: Well, I broke up with her. Martin: You are a piece of work, aren't you? You just couldn't stand a good thing, could you? I bet you were planning on this since Belize. Frasier: I have not! Martin: Ah, don't give me that. You did the same thing you always do: you go around asking everybody's advice, then you just do whatever the hell you want - and it's usually wrong, by the way! Frasier: Look, I was just being true to my feelings, Dad. There's no reason to be mad at me. Martin: I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself. I knew this was coming and I let myself get attached. Daphne re-enters. Frasier: Well, I'm sorry, Dad. Claire's great, it's just she's not the right person for me. Daphne knows! [to her] Will you tell him? Daphne kicks him in the right shin and storms to her room. Frasier: OW! Would you people stop doing that! FADE TO:
CHEESE AND SYMPATHY
Scene Five - Lana's House Lana opens the door to Frasier and Roz, bearing gifts. Lana: Oh, come in! [sees gifts] Oh, you didn't have to do this! Roz: [as she takes them, to Frasier] Told you. They come in. The room is occupied by Kirby and a group of his high school friends. Frasier: I sense a scholar in our midst! [shakes Kirby's hand] Ha-ha, congratulations, Kirby! Let's see the sheepskin! Kirby: Dude! Wait until the party gets going a little. Frasier: [trades a look with Roz, then] Good thinking. I'll just, uh, see what your mother's doing. [goes to kitchen] Kirby: Hi, Roz. Roz: Kirby. Kirby: Got our prom pictures back. He takes them out and stands next to her to show them. Kirby: I had them retouched a little. You're smiling in them now. Roz: [looking at the pictures] I notice you also have your hand on my ass. Kirby: Where? Oh, you mean now. Do you not like it? In the kitchen, Frasier and Lana are spreading spray cheese on crackers. Frasier: You know, I'm having a devil of a time with this cheese can. Lana: Just hold the nozzle close to the cracker so you make a little flower, like this. [does] Here, try one. [feeds him the cracker] Frasier: Mmm, well, I can honestly say that is the best canned cheese I've ever had. [they laugh] Lana, listen, there's something I'd like to talk with you about. Lana: If this is about Claire, I already know. Frasier: Oh gosh, I'm so sorry, it's just I- Lana: Frasier- Frasier: She's a perfectly wonderful girl- Lana: You don't have to explain it to me. I mean, sometimes you just don't feel it. That's OK. Frasier: Really? I thought you'd be mad at me. Lana: Well, why would I be mad? I mean, it's not like I get a commission on every match I make. [laughs] Frasier: So, we're OK? Lana: Well, sure we're OK. We're better than OK. Frasier: Right. Better than OK. He is about to make his move, when... Girl: [o.s.] You total slut! Frasier: Oh. Oh no, Roz. Uh... [gets up] He goes out into the living room, and sees Kirby being braced by his ex-girlfriend, Kristi, who has just arrived with one of her friends. Kristi: You told me not to come because this was just gonna be some boring party with your mom's friends! Kirby: Roz is my mom's friend! Kristi: She was your prom date! Kirby: ...Damn, baby, why you got to be this way? I'm trying to show you respect by keeping you from seeing my other lady! Roz: I was never his lady! Kirby: Damn, baby, that's cold. Kristi: She's old enough to be your mother practically! Roz: Damn, baby, now THAT'S cold. Kristi: Whatever! Kristi and her friend storm out. Kirby: Wow. That did not go so great. Frasier: Well, those things rarely do, Kirby. The door opens again - this time it is the Man from the Airport (Bob). Bob: Hey, buddy! Kirby: Dad, you're here! Bob: Oh, I wouldn't miss it for anything! [hugs his son] Where's Mom? I really need to talk to her. Kirby: I'll go get her. [exits] Bob: [sees Frasier] Wow, small world! What are you doing here? Frasier, hoist with his own petard, is speechless. END OF ACT TWO
This episode was originally broadcast as a one hour show. This is Part Two: [9.02]

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