[7.5]The Dog That Rocks The Cradle


The Dog That Rocks The Cradle               Written by Bob Daily
                                            Directed by Pamela Fryman
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Production Code: 7.5
Episode Number In Production Order: 150
Original Airdate on NBC: 21st October 1999
Episode filmed on 28th September 1999 
Synopsis written on 24th October 1999
Transcript written 9th February 2000
Transcript revised on 23rd April 2001.

Transcript {nick hartley}


Act One.

THE DOG THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE
Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. Roz and Frasier are on the sofa working on some promos. Daphne is sat at the table. Roz: I'm sorry I brought Alice today when we have so much work to do. Frasier: Oh, that's all right, Roz. You know what, you'll find another nanny soon. Roz: I better. I have a date tomorrow. It's my first one in a month. A month! Between spending my days with you and my nights with Alice, I've forgot what a real conversation is like. Frasier: Well, don't tell Alice that, it might hurt her feelings. Roz gives Frasier a look. Then we hear crying from the back bedrooms. Roz: There we go again! Roz enters as Martin and Niles enter. Niles is in his suit, Martin is wearing a long overcoat. They all greet each other. Niles: Just look at the dapper gent I ran into on the elevator. Martin: All right, Niles, that's enough. Yes, I like the suit you got me. [Martin takes overcoat off revealing a black suit] Niles: All right. Well, tell me about the comments. Did everybody there ooh and aah? Martin: Nope, people were pretty much looking at the guy in the casket. Frasier: So, Dad, how was the funeral? Martin: Oh, it was terrible. It's not at all the way Stan would have wanted it. They did everything on the cheap and that daughter of his, she didn't even get the good priest. She got some rookie from the seminary who stumbled all through the eulogy and couldn't even pronounce "Wojadubakowski!" Niles: Well, I can commiserate with you, Dad. I had a rather bad day on the death front myself. [heads to sherry shelf] Sherry? Frasier: Yes please, Niles. Niles: [pours two glasses] I received a letter today saying, thanks to my divorce, I've lost my plot at Seattle's toniest cemetery. Frasier: You mean, you're out of "Verdant Hills?" Oh, I am sorry, I know how much you were looking forward to being dead there. Niles crosses with drinks and sits on sofa. Niles: They've wait-listed me, but I don't like my odds. Frasier: I don't blame you. One country club fire, you can kiss your chances goodbye. Daphne: I went to all sorts of funerals as a child. My uncle's a mortician. Lovely man. He's offered to do my make-up for the wedding. [exits to her room] Frasier: I can just hear the whispers now. "Did you see the bride? Very life-like." Dad, you know, I'm sorry about your friend's funeral not going so well. Rest assured, when the time comes - years from now - Niles and I will follow your wishes to the letter. Martin: Thank you. Niles: Wait, Dad, what are your wishes? Martin: Never mind, I'm not going to go planning my own funeral, it's bad luck. Frasier: But, Dad... Martin: Ah, ah, ah, you don't pull the cord on the bus until you're ready to get off. Martin exits to his room. Niles: [confused] Pull the what on the what? Frasier: I don't know. Niles: I'm surprised. I didn't know Dad had such a bugaboo about his funeral arrangements. Frasier: Yeah, I know, it's a painful subject, but we've got to plan for it. We all must be prepared when the cold hand of death comes knocking on our door. A knocking is then heard on the front door. Frasier and Niles look at each other. Frasier: Would you get that? Niles: I most certainly will not. Frasier stands and opens the door. It's the pizza delivery guy, who is none other than Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe. He thrusts the pizza into Frasier's hand. Bulldog: Pizza. Frasier: [taking it] Oh, thank you very much. [notices] Bulldog? Good Lord, come in. [he does] Oh heavens, you remember my brother Niles. Niles, you remember Bulldog. Niles: Yes, of course. Hello, Bulldog. So, are you delivering pizzas for a living? Bulldog: [sarcastic] No, I'm an eccentric millionaire, this has always been my dream. Frasier: Bulldog, I can't tell you... Bulldog: [interrupts] No, no, no. Can the sad face, okay? Just making some extra cash between radio gigs. Frasier: All right. Bulldog: Oh, it's eighteen bucks, by the way. Niles: Well, I just stopped by to leave off these opera tickets. [hands them to Frasier] So, I'll be on my way. Frasier: Thank you, Niles. By the way, I'm a little short of cash. Do you mind, er-? Niles: Oh yes, thank you. [hands Bulldog some money] There you are, and something extra for you. [hands Bulldog a twenty dollar bill] Bulldog: Whoa, that's a pretty generous tip! Niles: I'll say, wrong bill! [exchanges it for a one dollar bill] Niles leaves. Bulldog: Hey, good luck, Doc, I'll see you. Frasier: [shakes his hand] Thanks Bulldog, take care. Bulldog: All right. Bulldog crosses to the door but is stopped when Roz appears back from the bedrooms. Roz: Bulldog? Bulldog: Hello, Roz. Roz: Are you delivering pizzas? Bulldog: Yeah, yeah, this is kinda awkward, huh? Roz: Oh, no, don't be embarrassed. A job's a job. Bulldog: No, I mean awkward for you. This is the first time you've seen me since we had that fling and I dumped ya. Roz: I dumped you, pizza boy! Then Alice toddles onto the scene, Bulldog rushes to pick her up. Bulldog: Hey, look who's here! Hey, sweet pea, you are getting so big. Hey, look at that smile, she likes me. Roz: She's relieved not to be the least mature person in the room anymore. Bulldog: Who's got a mean old mommy? Bulldog goes to play with Alice as Frasier calls Roz over to talk to him. Frasier: Roz. Listen, I think you may have solved your babysitting problem. Roz: Bulldog? Are you nuts? Frasier: Well, look: Alice is obviously crazy about him, and he could use the money. Roz: I don't know. Frasier: Okay, fine, fine, Roz. You just cancel your date. I mean, you've been this long without a man, what's a few days more? Roz: Bulldog, do you want a job? FADE OUT
THE NANNY
Scene Two - Roz's Apartment. Bulldog and Alice are at the dinner table. He is feeding her. Bulldog: Okay, one more bite, then we can watch "Sports Center." Roz enters in her dressing gown. Roz: Have you seen my purse? Bulldog: Yeah, it's on the chair. Roz: [picks it up] Steve's going to be here any minute. Bulldog: So, you've been dating for a while? Roz: Actually, no. Tonight's our first date. In fact, it's my first date in a month. Bulldog: Whoa! You injured? You pull something? Roz: No. Bulldog: I guess no one quite measured up to that week you spent in the doghouse, huh? Roz: Let's get one thing straight. That little fling we had... Bulldog: I know, I know, I was just joking. Roz exits to her room. Bulldog: [to Alice] Okay. If you're not going to have some peaches, we've got some jello in the fridge. You know, some naughty ladies like to wrestle in that stuff. He picks her up. There is a knock at the door. Bulldog: Who's that? Who's that? [opens door to Steve] He-ho. Steve: Excuse me, is this Roz Doyle's apartment? Bulldog: Yeah, yeah, are you her date? Steve: Yeah. Bulldog checks behind him for Roz, then grabs Steve by the front of his shirt. Bulldog: Listen up: if you go out with Roz tonight, I will rip off your arm, ram it down your throat and use it to squeeze your heart until it stops beating. [then to Alice] Who's my pretty girl? [grabs Steve] Okay, dirtball. Listen, when you get out of here, you call Roz and you cancel like a gentleman. As far as she's concerned, this conversation never took place. Got it? Steve: Who are you? Bulldog: I'm your worse nightmare: the babysitter! Bulldog shuts the door on him as Roz enters. She is wearing a very low-cut top. Bulldog: Whoa! Roz: Do I look slutty? Bulldog: All right, if you're fishing for compliments: yeah, you look slutty. The phone rings, Roz answers. Roz: Hello? Hey, Steven. Oh, really? Well, tomorrow's Saturday, I mean you won't have to... No, it's okay. Yeah, bye. [hangs up] I don't believe it! My first date in a month and he blows me off. Bulldog: What, at the last minute? What a jerk! He does not deserve you. Roz: Thanks, Bulldog. Bulldog: Well, I guess I can go. Roz: Mmm. Bulldog: Oh, I ordered a pizza. Just have him drop it by my place. I'm at the YMCA. Have him knock hard, I turn up the radio to drown out the sirens. Roz: Why don't you just stay and have your pizza? Bulldog: Are you sure? Roz: Yeah, it's not like I'm doing anything tonight. Come and tell us what you guys did at the park today. Bulldog sits with Roz and Alice. Bulldog: We fed the ducks! We went on a pony ride and then came back for a whole jar of peas. Roz: Peas? How did you get her to eat those? Bulldog: There's a trick to it. You've got to pretend to sneeze them out of your nose. Roz: How did you come up with that? Bulldog: It's an interesting story... Roz: Actually, don't tell me. FADE TO:
THE PLOTS THICKEN
Scene Three - Café Nervosa. Frasier is sat drinking his coffee as Niles enters, pleased with himself. Frasier: Oh, good afternoon, Niles. Niles: Coffee's on me, I'm back at "Verdant Hills" cemetery. Frasier: Oh, well congratulations, nothing left now but all that pesky waiting. Niles: I haven't got the official word yet but I've called in a favor: Bruce McGurk, he's on the board of directors. I gave him grief counseling when his uncle was lost at sea and it occurred to me, there's a plot gone begging! Niles goes to the counter as Roz enters, depressed. Roz: Tell me something, do I have the word "loser" tattooed across my forehead? Frasier: No, Roz, but there is a rumor about a "Tweety Bird" on your upper thigh. Roz: I've had two dates this week and both of them have bailed out on me at the last second. What's wrong with me? Frasier: Oh, don't count yourself out just yet, Roz. Roz: Yeah, right. Frasier: No, no, there's a young man over there, can't take his eyes off you. He's been staring at you ever since you came in. Roz looks at the man who is sitting by the window using his laptop. She gasps with recognition. Roz: [like a school girl] That's Ted from the ad department! We've been making eye contact for months. Frasier: Oh, yes, Ted. Well, his gaze is so steamy it's re-foaming my latte. Why don't you go other there and talk with him? Roz: I can't. I won't know what to say. Frasier: I tell you what, ask him to dinner. I'm going to "Chez Henri" myself this evening, I'll call and get you a table. Roz: I don't know, I'm feeling a little gun shy. Frasier: Roz, you better hurry. If you talk to me another minute longer, he'll think he's got some serious competition. Roz: [laughs] Thanks, Frasier, I needed a good laugh to loosen me up. Roz, laughing, goes over to chat with Ted. Frasier then opens his cell phone and dials. Frasier: [into phone] Hello, it's Frasier Crane. Niles's cell phone starts ringing. He answers it and sits with Frasier. Frasier: I was just wondering, I'd like to get a table for a dear friend of mine tonight as well. Niles: Niles Crane here. Hello, Bruce. I'm hoping you're calling with good news about "Verdant Hills?" Frasier: Table for two. Niles: Yes, a plot for one. Frasier: By the kitchen? Oh Lord, I was hoping for something near the fireplace. Niles: Near the parking lot? I prefer the serenity garden. Frasier: Oh, the back row would be fine, who's at the next table? Niles: The hilltops? Divine! Who's in the adjacent plot? Frasier: The Ashbys, wonderful! Niles: The Ashbys, delightful! Frasier: Thank you very much. Niles: I'm very grateful. They both hang up. Niles: McGurk got me a shady spot on the high hill. Frasier: You mean...? Niles: [ecstatic] Yes, I'll spend eternity looking down on Maris. Frasier: Oh, Niles. Niles: Checkmate! Roz then comes over. Roz: He said yes. Frasier: Well, of course he did Roz, congratulations. And you're all set at "Chez Henri." Roz: Great. Then Bulldog enters with the pram and Alice. Bulldog: [irate] Okay, what sorry bastard would steal a pacifier from a kid? [slams a table] THIS STINKS! THIS IS TOTAL B.S.! [then] Oh, found it, found it. [gives it to Alice] Roz hurries over. Bulldog: Hi. Roz: You know, Bulldog, I hate to do this to you. Could you babysit tonight? I just get a date with Ted over there. Bulldog: [miffed] Really? Sure, just say. Way to go, slugger! Roz: I better go home and get ready. Bulldog: You go ahead, I'll catch up with you after I go to the can. Roz: Lovely! Roz exits with Alice as Bulldog goes to see Ted. Bulldog: Hey, Ted, right? Ted: Bulldog, long time, no see. Bulldog: I heard you're going out with Roz tonight. Ted: Yeah. Bulldog: Listen up! You have her home forty-five minutes after you pick her up or you'll be sorry. Ted: Yeah? [stands] What are you going to do about it? Bulldog holds his hand in front of Ted's face and breaks his own middle finger. Ted: Oh my God! Bulldog: If I'm willing to do that to me, just think what I'll do to you. Ted: All right, forty-five minutes. Bulldog: Or else! Bulldog walks to the toilet feeling the pain as he goes. Then Martin enters and crosses to the boys' table. Martin: Hey boys, feel like taking a ride? Frasier: Sure, Dad. Where to? Martin: Well, I got thinking about what we were talking about the other night, you know, about me not having made any arrangements for myself. So, just went out and bought myself a burial plot. Frasier: Okay, all right, let's go have a look, Dad. I'm glad to see you've finally realized there's no point in being superstitious about the whole thing. Martin: Yeah, well, I realized that if I let you plan my funeral there'd be all harps, white wine, and frankly a lot of very pissed-off cops! Martin and the boys exit. FADE TO: Scene Four - Cemetery. Daphne is driving her red convertible around the cemetery. Martin is giving her directions as Niles and Frasier listen in the back seat. Martin: Right up here on the left. I've got the whole service mapped out. It'll start with a bagpiper marching down the aisle... Daphne: Bagpipes? I'm having bagpipes at my wedding, you knew that! Martin: And none of that dainty finger food, either. Big slabs of beef! Prime rib. Daphne: You can't have prime rib, I'm having prime rib. Martin: Oh, for Pete's sake. Daphne: No, no, this is lovely! If you kick off before I get married, you'll ruin everything. Martin: All right, all right, I'll drop the bagpipes. Daphne: No, no, have the bagpipes! And what else are you going to have? A big cake with a little white coffin on the top. Martin: Oh, put a sock in it, will ya? Daphne: It wouldn't surprise me if you had a hearst with "Just Buried" on the side of it. Martin: Oh, stop it! I'm warning you. Daphne stops the car. They get out. Niles and Frasier are not impressed but put on a brave face. They go to Martin's plot where a big building is situated behind. Martin: Pretty great, huh? Niles and Frasier fake enthusiasm. Martin: I'll put your mom's ashes over there on the left. Because that was her side of the bed and, er, oh, see how close we are to the maintenance shed. [points out the building] Niles: And that's good because? Martin: You're the first one to get mowed! Yeah, so do you really like this place? Frasier: Yes, Dad. Martin: Good. Fras', take about three steps over to your left, will ya? He does as Martin positions him. Martin: There you are. Niles, stand right next to him. [Niles does] Congratulations, you are standing on your very own graves. Niles: What?! Martin: Yes, they were for sale so I went ahead and bought them. And seeing how much you like it out here, I'm glad I did. Niles: But, Dad... Martin: I know what you're gonna say, the expense! But don't worry about it. Merry Christmas! Niles and Frasier looks horrified as Daphne holds in her laughter. End of Act One. Act Two. Scene One - Roz's Apartment. Bulldog is preparing the dinner table for an evening meal. The door opens and Bulldog runs off into the kitchen. Ted and Roz enter. Ted: Sorry we had to rush out like that. Roz: Me too, is your stomach feeling any better? Ted: [looking around for signs of Bulldog] Not really. Roz: Fancy some ginger ale or... Bulldog appears from the kitchen and breaks his finger again in Ted's sight. Ted: I think I really better go now. Ted runs out. Roz closes the door and looks depressed and angry with herself. She looks at her clothes and collapses on the couch. Bulldog enters and acts surprised. Bulldog: She's asleep Roz, don't worry I won't disturb you a... [then] Where's Ted? Roz: He ditched me. Bulldog: What? Roz: He kept saying his stomach was bothering him, he was looking at his watch the whole time. Bulldog: What is wrong with men? Roz: It's not them, it's me. It's been happening all week. Bulldog: No, no, no, trust me. It is not you. They're just jerks. Roz: Thanks, Bulldog. Bulldog: Hey, look, if you're hungry, I just whipped up a little something. There's probably enough for two. Roz: Great. I'm just gonna go change, okay? Bulldog: Okay. Roz exits to the bedrooms. Bulldog gets to work. With his feet he opens a cupboard as he lays the table. He takes glasses already filled with wine out of it and a big pot of cooked pasta which he places on the table whilst shutting the cupboard with his foot. Then there's a knock at the door before Ted enters with Roz's purse. Bulldog: What the hell are you doing here? Ted: I know, I'm sorry. Bulldog: You are supposed to be gone. How many of my own fingers do I have to dislocate before you take me seriously? Ted: I got her home in forty-five minutes, okay? She left this in the car. We see Roz is watching this scene from the hallway. As Bulldog growls at him and shuts the door on him, she hides back in the bedroom. She then reappears and puts a plan into action. Roz: [sits] Oh, this smells delicious. Thank you. Ow, I guess I'm a little tense from that date. Bulldog: Allow me. Bulldog starts to massages her with his hand but feels the pain of his finger so instead he uses his elbow. Roz: I forgot how good you were at this! Come to think of it, you were good at a lot of things. Roz sits back and sexily unbuttons her blouse revealing her underwear to him. Bulldog: Wow! "Victoria's Secrets," page 39. Roz: Why don't we just skip dinner and go straight to dessert? Bulldog: Uh-ho! "Penthouse Forum," page 23. Bulldog chases Roz to the bedroom. Scene Two - Roz's Bedroom. Roz runs in and lays on the bed. Bulldog strips in front of her. Roz: [saucy] Are you the new pizza man? I hope you're not double parked. Bulldog: I promise you, ma'am. I will deliver in thirty minutes or more. Roz: There's a scented candle out on the balcony, would you get that for me? Bulldog: I'm kinda naked here. Roz: Cedar wood, it promotes stamina and sexual creativity. Bulldog: I'll be right back. Bulldog runs out onto the balcony and finds no candle. Roz locks the balcony door on him. Bulldog: Roz, open the door. Oh, I get it. [knocks] Pizza man! Roz: You slime bag! You've been scaring off my dates all week. Bulldog: I don't know what you're talking about. Roz: Cut the crap. I just saw you talking to Ted. This is the lowest thing you've ever done! After the way I've trusted you, this is the way I treat you. Bulldog: Would you let me in, please? Roz: No. Bulldog: It's freezing out here, [looks down] as you can plainly see! Roz: Good, I want you to suffer. Bulldog gives in and sits on a table. Roz: Don't sit there, I eat off that table, for God's sake! Roz lets him in and throws his clothes at him. Roz: Get dressed. Bulldog: Come on, wait. Roz runs out of the bedroom, Bulldog follows her. Scene Three - Roz's Apartment. They enter the main room. Bulldog: Wait, would you let me explain? Roz: I don't want to hear it, you make me sick! Just get it out. Bulldog: I wasn't just trying to get you in bed. Just give me a second, please. [deep breath] Last spring, when we were together, it was great and I didn't know how to handle it, so I ran away. But when I saw you again, it was... I figured if I could keep the competition out of the way, then maybe you and I... I don't know... we could be a couple. Roz: Us? Bulldog: [sincere] I think I'm in love with you. Roz is silent and doesn't know what to say. She obviously cannot reciprocate. Bulldog: [crushed] You're not saying anything, are you? Roz: Wait a minute! I know what you're doing! Bulldog: What? Roz: All this love stuff, it's just another way of getting me into bed. Bulldog: No, Roz, no. Roz: God, the oldest trick in the book! Bulldog: Wait a minute, Roz. Roz: And you're still at it! You're still at it! You're not Bulldog! Bulldog: No, listen. Roz then shows to him that she knows he truly loves her but that she cannot love him back. Roz: Give up, Bulldog. Silence. Bulldog decides to play along and be let down easily. Bulldog: [feigned] You can't blame a guy for trying! I had you going, huh? All the dishes and the watering. Roz: You're the master. Bulldog: Yeah, I even put childproof latches on the cabinet. Part of my plan to get you in the sack. Roz: You are such a pig! Then they calm down. Bulldog: Well, I better be going. Roz: Okay. Thank you for all of your help with Alice. [opens door] I'll see you, Bob. Bulldog: I'll see you, Roz. Bulldog then exits. Roz is obviously frustrated and confused. She goes to sip some wine as someone knocks at the door. Roz: [shouts] I'm sorry, Mrs. Wasnick, I know the balcony is not for sex play! Frasier: [off stage] It's Frasier. And by the way, charming! Roz: It's open! Frasier opens the door and crosses to Roz. Frasier: I just saw you dash out of the restaurant with Ted, I thought, "God, what's wrong?" Roz: You are not gonna believe what just happened. Bulldog just told me he loved me. Frasier: What? Roz: Yeah, he made Ted bring me home early, turns out he's been scaring my dates off all week. Frasier: Well, what did you say to him? Roz: I tried to let him down easy, I felt sorry for the guy. Frasier: [amazed] Bulldog, wow, he's full of surprises, isn't he? Roz: Who'd have thought? You know what's really weird? I'm gonna miss him. [points to dinner] Look at this. I never had to worry about Alice, he kept this place so neat and it was really nice to have someone to... [reflects] someone to come home to. Frasier: Well, maybe Bulldog, in his own clumsy way, gave you a taste of a more traditional lifestyle. Roz: Yes, I suppose so. Frasier: Who knows, Roz? Maybe the time has come. You might be willing to start looking for a... Roz: [against the idea] What? A husband? Frasier: No, I wasn't going to say that. Roz: Just because I'm gonna miss certain things about Bulldog doesn't mean I need to rush out and get married. Look at this week I've had. Three guys interested in me and not to mention Bulldog. I'm liking this! [reassuring herself, arguably in denial] Single life is pretty good. Frasier: All right, Roz, as long as you're okay. Roz: I really appreciate you coming by. They cross to the door. Frasier: It's okay. Roz: I'll see you tomorrow. Frasier: Of course. Good night. Roz: Good night. Frasier exits and Roz closes the door. Roz takes a deep breath and heads over to the dinner table. She takes Bulldog's glass of wine and pours its content into hers, making a big glassful. She draws up a seat and pulls over the pasta pot. She tucks in with a thoughtful expression on her face. End of Act Two. Credits: Roz's Apartment - Roz is trying to feed Alice peas, however she will not take them. After many attempts, Roz uses Bulldog's trick of pretending to "sneeze" them out. With this technique she successfully gets Alice to eat them.

Guest Appearances

 Special Guest Star
 DAN BUTLER as Bulldog
 
 Guest Starring
 PETER ASLE HOLDEN as Steven
 MATT ROTH as Ted

Synopsis {kathy churay}

ACT ONE

Scene Title:  "The Dog That Rocks The Cradle"

SCENE ONE - FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Frasier and Roz are working at the coffee table.  Roz apologizes to
Frasier because Alice keeps fussing in the bedroom.  Roz doesn't
have a nanny anymore, and she needs to find one before her date the next
night.  

Niles comes in with Martin, who is dressed in the elegant black suit
Niles bought him and griping about the wake they have just
attended.  Niles is upset at losing his cemetery plot at Verdant
Hills, Seattle's most exclusive graveyard, due to his divorce from
Maris.   Martin goes on to complain that the deceased's
daughter didn't follow his last wishes in planning the funeral, prompting
Niles to ask what Martin's last wishes are.  Martin refuses to
discuss it.  

A knock on the door announces the arrival of the pizza Roz and Frasier
have ordered -- delivered by Bulldog, the new delivery driver. 
Frasier offers sympathy, and Bulldog refuses to feel sorry for himself,
but he is taken aback by the appearance of Roz from the bedroom. 
There is a moment of awkwardness till Alice toddles into the room greets
Bulldog enthusiastically.  He clearly feels the same way about
her.  Frasier pulls Roz aside to remark on Alice's fascination with
Bulldog, and to suggest that Roz hire him as her babysitter.  Roz is
reluctant till Frasier points out that if she doesn't hire him, she will
lose yet another chance for a date.  On the spot, Roz offers Bulldog
the job.


SCENE TWO - ROZ'S APARTMENT - THE NEXT EVENING

Bulldog is feeding Alice as Roz gets ready for her date.  Roz is in
the bedroom when Bulldog answers the door to find Steve, her date. 
With no hesitation Bulldog grabs Steve by the shirtfront and threatens
him with bodily harm unless Steve leaves and calls Roz to cancel the
date.  Steve rushes off and Roz emerges from the bedroom in a
form-fitting, low-cut outfit that's sure to please her date, but Steve
calls a moment later to cancel.  Bulldog comforts her by telling her
about his fun day with Alice -- feeding the ducks in the park, going on a
pony ride, and coming home to eat a whole jar of peas.  Roz marvels
that he could get Alice to eat such a thing, and Bulldog explains that
all he had to do was pretend to blow the peas out of his nose and Alice
was happy to eat them.   Bulldog gets ready to leave but at the
last minute manages to wangle an invitation to stay for dinner, and he
settles in happily with Alice and Roz.

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE - CAFE NEVOSA - DAY

Frasier is sipping coffee as Niles arrives to announce happily that he
has called in a favor and gotten back on the roster at Verdant
HIlls.  Roz arrives a moment later, bemoaning her sad love
life.  Two dates have cancelled on her in the last week, and she's
feeling like a loser, at least until Frasier points out a man at a
neighboring table who's eyeing Roz.  It's Ted, a co-worker she's
been flirting with for months.  Roz scurries off to talk to Ted as
Niles returns from the coffee bar with his latte and a cell phone. 
Frasier and Niles hold simultaneous cell phone conversations as Frasier
books at table at an exclusive restaurant for Roz and Ted, and Niles gets
the news that he has scored a cemetery plot at Verdant Hills in a
prestigious location -- a hilltop from which he can look down on Maris
for all eternity.  "Checkmate!"  

Roz comes back with the cheerful news that she and Ted are on for that
evening's date at Chez Henri.  Bulldog arrives with Alice, and Roz
excitedly asks him to babysit.  He agrees, and when Roz bustles out
of the cafe, goes to Ted's table and orders him to spend only 45 minutes
on the date with Roz, then to bring her back home.  Ted, a large
man, stands up from his table and dares Bulldog to make him do
anything.  In response Bulldog dislocates his own finger, inviting
Ted to use his imagination about what he would be willing to do to
Ted.  Ted backs down, and Bulldog sidles off to the men's room to
care for his injury.

Martin enters looking smug and invites his sons to take a ride with him
to view the burial plot he's just purchased.  They agree.


SCENE TWO - THE CEMETERY - DAY

Daphne is driving her red convertible and bickering with Martin as the
brothers look on from the back seat.  Martin is planning to include
bagpipers in his funeral service and to serve prime rib for the
luncheon.  Daphne is irate because she's planned the same for her
wedding reception, and if Martin dies before then, he'll ruin
everything.  They arrive at the burial site and Martin gloats over
the ideal location, close to the maintenance shed where his plot will be
sure to get first attention from the lawn crew.  Frasier and Niles
admire the plot until Martin directs them to stand slightly aside, then
surprises them with the news that he's purchased plots for them as
well.  Daphne is highly amused, but the boys are horrified.

SCENE THREE - ROZ'S APARTMENT - THAT EVENING

Bulldog is hastily setting the table for dinner, but scurries into the
bedroom as Roz comes in with her date, who is feigning illness and has
brought her home.  He spots Bulldog and leaves Roz feeling depressed
over her bad luck with men.  Bulldog reassures her that she's great
and that Ted was a jerk.  He invites her to share the dinner he was
preparing, and Roz glumly goes into the bedroom to change her
clothes.  Ted comes to the door with the purse Roz left in his car,
and Bulldog threatens to hurt him unless he leaves immediately.  Ted
does, but not before Roz overhears the conversation.  

After Ted's departure Roz comes back to the living room and sits down at
the dinner table, remarking how tense her neck is from the date that
evening.  Bulldog eagerly volunteers to rub her neck, and Roz begins
to unbutton her blouse invitingly.  She muses aloud how good Bulldog
is at neck rubbing, and that she had forgotten how good he is at many
things.  Within seconds they are rushing off to the bedroom, Bulldog
tearing his clothes off in anticipation.

SCENE FOUR - ROZ'S BEDROOM - A MOMENT LATER

Roz is practically panting for Bulldog as he pulls off his pants and we
are treated to a view of his muscular torso.  He lunges for Roz but
she stops him.  She wants him to fetch a scented candle from the
balcony that she promises will promote "stamina and sexual
creativity."  Bulldog  protests but finally ducks outside
in the buff to retrieve the candle, and Roz triumphantly locks the glass
doors.  She reads him the riot act about scaring off her dates, and
refuses to let him in until he sits on the balcony table that she uses
for meals.  She finally relents and he heads for the living room,
dressing hastily and arguing with Roz who tries to throw him out. 


Finally he gets her attention to tell her that the previous spring when
they broke up, he had really started having feelings for Roz and hadn't
known how to handle them, so he ran away.  But when he saw her again
a week ago, he thought that if he could keep the competition at bay for a
while, he might have a chance with her again.  In fact, he confesses
quietly, he thinks he is in love with Roz.  Roz is at a loss for
words, and after a moment Bulldog turns away, crushed.  

Roz doesn't know how to rescue the situation at first, but after a moment
she begins to loudly berate Bulldog for using yet another cheap ploy to
get her into bed with him.  Bulldog tries to get her to listen to
him at first, but then sees that she's trying to give him a graceful way
out and ends up agreeing with her and apologizing for his crude
tactics.  Neither of them is very convincing, but it's enough to
allow them both to save face, so Bulldog sadly leaves.  

As Roz sits down to eat, Frasier knocks on the door.  Frasier tells
he that he saw her dash out of the restaurant with Ted, and was afraid
that something might have gone wrong.  Roz tells him about Bulldog
and remarks wistfully that it was really nice, just for a while, to have
someone to come home to.  Frasier hazards a guess that Roz may be
longing to settle down, but Roz tells him firmly that she's enjoying
being single and dating again, and not to worry about her.  Frasier
is reassured and leaves her with a kiss and a fond goodnight, and Roz
sits down to enjoy her solitary dinner.

FADE OUT.

CREDIT TAG

Roz tries unsuccessfully to get Alice to eat peas, but she won't have any
part of them.  Finally Roz resorts to Bulldog's trick of pretending
to blow the peas out of her nose, and Alice happily begins to eat.

END OF SHOW.


Legal Stuff

 This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley, Kathy 
 Churay. This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright 
 of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission. 

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