[2.16]The Show Where Sam Shows Up

The Show Where Sam Shows Up                 Written by Ken Levine &
                                                       David Isaacs
                                            Directed by James Burrows
Production Code: 2.16.
Episode Number In Production Order: 42
Episode Filmed on:
Original Airdate on NBC: 21st February 1995
Transcript written on 10th August 2000
Transcript revised on 8th February 2003

Transcript {andrea day}


Scene One - KACL
Frasier is finishing his show.  He is standing while he speaks into 
the microphone.

Frasier: Well, that's our show for today.  Don't forget - Bob "Bulldog" 
         Briscoe is up next. [Roz gestures for him to read a promo] Oh, 
         yes. [reading] This is KACL Cash Call Week.  $5,000 if you 
         answer your phone with the phrase that pays.  So when your 
         phone rings, don't say hello, say...

He looks up to see Sam Malone in the window. 

Frasier: WELL, BLOW ME DOWN!!!  Uh...no, no, no.  Say, uh... KACL is, 
         uh... the talk of the town... talk of Seattle, whatever,  

He goes off the air and gestures for Sam to come in. 

Frasier: Sam, Sam! [they hug] Oh my God!  Well, what are you doing 
         in town?
    Sam: Uh, well actually I'm here interviewing for a job.  The 
         Mariners need a pitching coach and they gave me a call.
Frasier: They did?
    Sam: Yeah.
Frasier: I mean, that's great, but... [off Sam's look] well, come on 
    Sam: This is all right?  You're off the air? 
Frasier: Oh, yeah, it's fine.
    Roz: [entering from her booth] Fras, I gotta go.  Your messages 
         are on my desk and... [sees Sam] whoa, who is this?
    Sam: I'm Sam Malone.  I was a buddy of Frasier's in Boston.
Frasier: This is Roz Doyle.
    Roz: [to Frasier] So this is the Sam Malone you've always talked 
         about?  The one who has no respect for women and treats them 
         like dirt? [to Sam] Need anyone to show you around Seattle?
    Sam: Well, you know, to tell you the truth I'm all right with the 
         city, but I get real lost in my hotel room.
Frasier: Oh, boy.  Just look at the two of you face to face.  I imagine 
         wild animals all over the Northwest are lifting their heads, 
         alerted to the scent.  Good-bye, Roz.
    Roz: Well, if you need any company, give me a call. [hands him a 
         card] Here's my number.
    Sam: Well, thanks.  That's a snazzy card.
Frasier: Yes, it glows in the dark.
    Roz: So do I. 

She leaves.

Frasier: So, uh, how's everybody at Cheers?
    Sam: Oh, wow.  Uh, well, let's see... you know that Rebecca finally 
         married that plumber?
Frasier: Yes, yes... it's ironic, isn't it?  You know, she spends all 
         her energy trying to land some rich guy and she ends up with 
         an ordinary plumber.
    Sam: Well, that ordinary plumber struck gold.  He's got a patent 
         on some low-flow toilet thing.  I mean, he's rich beyond her 
         wildest dreams.
Frasier: Well, heck, I'm happy for her.
    Sam: Well, don't be - he dumped her.  She's back at the bar.
Frasier: Working at Cheers again?
    Sam: No, she's just back at the bar.  Hey, you know, here's some 
         good news: Woody and Kelly, they had a baby boy.
Frasier: Oh, that is wonderful! [pauses] Is he...?
    Sam: No, he's smart.  He's smart.
Frasier: Oh!  Well, genetics takes a holiday, huh? [chuckles] 
         So, Sam, you want to continue this over some lunch?
    Sam: Yeah, I'd like that. 
Frasier: [as they walk out into the hall] So, are Norm and Cliff 
         still holding up the bar?
    Sam: Uh, well, Norm is, but Cliff hasn't been in for a while. 
         Evidently, he read this article about flesh-eating bacteria 
         and he hasn't left his mom's house since.  But, you know, 
         there's a good side to that, though, 'cause a lot of people 
         who haven't been around for a while are starting to come 
         back to the bar.
Frasier: Oh!


Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment Later that evening: Daphne is setting the table for dinner. Martin: Hey, Daph, Sam was a major league ballplayer. Put out the good china. Niles: Oh, yes, and while you're at it don't forget the Limoges spittoon. Martin: Well, as far as I'm concerned, Sam Malone's the most important person ever to set foot in this apartment. Daphne: [taking up the plates] I don't understand this American obsession with sports figures. They're all so superficial. Martin: Yeah, it's not like they do anything real important like sit on a throne or christen ships. [he calls out as he and Daphne enter the kitchen] Hey, Niles, why didn't you bring Maris tonight? Niles: I'm supposed to ask Maris to spend an evening with a baseball player? [chuckles] Why don't I just ask her to rub my shoulders? Niles exits to the kitchen as Frasier and Sam walk in the front door. Frasier: Here we are, Sam. Sam: Oh, wow, look at this. Man, you got quite a babe magnet here. Martin: [entering] Oh, Sam Malone! Hey, I'm Marty Crane, I'm one of your biggest fans! [they shake hands] Yeah, I was at the Kingdome the night you gave up four consecutive home runs. I bet you remember that, don't you? Sam: Well, actually I don't. You see, that was during my drinking phase. Did I hit anybody? Did I hurt them? Martin: No. Sam: Oh, hey, then that was a good game! Martin: Hey, Sam, this is my chair. You want to sit in it? Sam: Oh... [he starts, then is clearly put off] yeah... well, maybe later. Martin: I'll keep it warm for you! Frasier: Oh, Sam, this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane. Niles: Pleasure to meet you. [shakes hands] Sam: Yeah, you too. Wow... man, this is freaky. [to Frasier] He looks just like you did when I met you. What happened, huh? Frasier: Wasn't exactly a health club you were running there, Sam. [walks over to get a drink] Sam: [to Niles] This is strange. I gotta tell you, I didn't know he had a brother. Niles: [glares at Frasier, then] Frasier, I don't mind telling you I'm a little offended that in all the time you spent swapping bon mots with the beer-nut set, you never once mentioned you had a brother?! Sam: Well, you know, the truth is, I bet he said something, it's just that when Frasier gets going you kind of have to tune him out. Niles: That's a good slogan for his radio show - "Dr. Frasier Crane: when he gets going, you have to tune him out." Martin: Hey, what did he tell you about me, Sam? His father, the old cop? Sam: Oh, yeah, you I remember. Um, he told me you were dead. Martin: [turns to Frasier, stunned] Dead?! Frasier: Well, we had had an argument. You called me a stuffed shirt and hung up on me. I was mad. Sam: You're a cop? [to Frasier] You told me he was a research scientist. Frasier: [off Martin's glare] You were dead, what did it matter? Daphne enters from the kitchen, carrying some plates. Daphne: Hello. Frasier: Oh, Daphne... Daphne, this is Sam Malone. Sam, this is Daphne Moon, Dad's physical therapist Daphne: [enchanted] Well, it's a pleasure to meet you. Martin: Daphne's from England. Sam: [taking Daphne's hand] Yeah, boy, I've always been a sucker for the English accent. No matter what you say, it always sounds so classy and sophisticated. Daphne response comes out as girlish giggles and flustered gibberish. Sam: See what I mean? It kills me every time. [Daphne reaches to get a plate off the table] Hey, let me get that for you. A pretty lady like you shouldn't spend her whole evening in the kitchen. Daphne giggles again as she and Sam exit to the kitchen. Niles strides over to Frasier. Niles: Is it my imagination, or is Sam flirting with Daphne? Frasier: Of course he's flirting with her. He flirts with everyone. He can't help it, he's a sexual compulsive. But he's getting help for it in a support group. From the kitchen, Daphne giggles and titters again. Niles: Did he miss a meeting?! The phone rings. Frasier answers. Frasier: Hello? You'd like to speak to Sam? Um... [Sam enters from the kitchen] well, who's calling, please? Sheila? Sam, alarmed, holds up two fingers Frasier: Um... yes, well, he's not here right now, but I'm expecting him soon. Sam: [whispering] No! Number two! Frasier: [into phone] Uh... I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was mistaken. He WAS here, but, uh, he left. Well, yes, I'll give him the message. Thank you. [hangs up] I'm sorry, Sam, I'm a little out of practice. So, uh, who's Sheila? Sam: Just the um... woman I'm supposed to marry. Frasier: Marry? When? Sam: Uh, oh boy. Um, yesterday. Frasier: Yesterday? Sam: Yeah... I don't want to talk about it, Frasier. Frasier: But Sam... Sam: Fras, please? Just... Daphne enters from the kitchen with a plate of food. Sam: Oh, wow. Hey, something sure smells yummy here. [leans in close to Daphne] Oh, wait a second, I think it's me. Daphne dissolves into giggles as the scene FADES OUT. Scene Three - Frasier's apartment. Later that evening: Sam and Martin are chatting while Frasier and Niles look on. Martin: Come on, Sam, one more. Sam: All right, let's see. Uh... 1949, Yankees, initials V.R. Martin: Vic Raschi. Sam: Oh, you're great. [to Frasier and Niles] He's amazing. All you have to do is give him the city, the date and the initials and he gets it every time. Niles: That's very similar to a game Frasier and I play. [to Frasier] I'll go first. 1962, Prague Philharmonic, viola section, initials C.M. Frasier: Czeslaw Milovicz. Niles: Wrong, wrong, wrong! No, no, no--I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Milovicz was first viola the year before, but by '62 he'd developed Rosin poisoning and was no longer able to pluck. Frasier: Damn! That's a trick question! Sam stares at them blankly as Martin rolls his eyes. Martin: Well, I'm off to bed. [Sam helps him up from his chair] Thanks, Sam. The chair's all yours! Come on! With great trepidation, Sam sits in the chair and reclines back. Sam: Oh, yeah... that's very nice. Martin: 'Night, all. [exits] Daphne: [entering from the kitchen] I'll be turning in, too. Niles: Pleasant dreams. Daphne: [chuckling] Well, no problem there. [exits] Niles: Well, I guess I'd better be getting back to my Maris. If the clock strikes twelve and she hasn't felt my kiss upon her forehead she gets nervous. [puts on his coat] Sam, it's been a pleasure meeting you. Sam: Yeah, you too. Hey listen... if you want to really put a smile on Maris's face let me tell you what you do. He whispers in Niles's ear. Niles: Exactly where am I supposed to find whipped cream and a car battery at this hour? Sam: You got neighbors, dontcha? Niles checks the time on his watch and then leaves. Frasier: Well, Sam, now that everybody's gone, there was something I wanted to bring up. I just - what is it, what is it... Oh yes, yes, I remember: what the hell do you mean you were about to get married?! Sam: [stands] All right, all right. Uh, well, I met this girl six months ago and we were supposed to get married. And yesterday I was standing in this church facing this minister and I hear him say, "Will you take this woman to be your wife?" and I said, "Who, me?" The next thing you know I'm running down the aisle and I didn't stop running till I got here. Frasier: So, you're not in Seattle because of the Mariners? Sam: Believe me, no ballplayer is in Seattle because of the Mariners. Frasier: All right, all right. Sam, let's have a seat here and start this thing from the very beginning. [they sit at the dinner table] Now, who is this woman? Sam: Oh, she's a terrific person. She's smart, she's funny, she's horny. I mean, she's just the kind of chick you want to stick up on a pedestal. Frasier: You know, Sam, it's always amazed me how you can elevate and demean in the same sentence. Sam: What? Frasier: Forget it, just... Sam: Well, how do you think she found me here? Frasier: Well, it's my guess, Sam, that you left a lot of clues as to where you were because, basically you wanted her to find you. I have a feeling that you actually want to marry this girl. Sam: Yeah? I don't know... Frasier: Look, Sam, all that happened was you panicked. It's perfectly natural. The wedding ceremony represents the end of your old life. Sam thinks about it, then smiles. Sam: I tell you, man, she's one in a million, you know? Frasier: You know, for most guys that's just an expression. They laugh. Frasier: You know, Sam, I have a feeling that you're finally ready for a commitment like this. I think you ought to get on that phone and call her. Sam: What would I say to her, though? Frasier: Well, just tell her you panicked and ran. Tell her the truth. I mean, after all, honesty is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. Sam: Hey, thank you. [they hug] You know, it's time I stepped up to the plate and stopped acting like a kid. [picks up the phone] Frasier: Absolutely. Geez, the only question now is, will she still take you back? Sam laughs at the very idea. Frasier, realizing who he is talking to, joins in the laughs and they high-five each other. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO
Scene One - Cafe Nervosa. Frasier, Roz and Niles are seated at a back table at the Cafe, discussing Sam's situation. Roz: She actually forgave him? Frasier: Yes, yes... More than that, she's on her way here in a plane right now. They're going to get married in Hawaii. Roz: Same old story. Love triumphs over Roz. Frasier: Oh Roz, don't be a sore loser, will you, please? Look, I invited them here on their way in from the airport. Niles: I remember my wedding day. Standing at the altar, feeling faint, shaky, sweating. I remember Maris was so distraught thinking I might have cold feet. I'll never forget how relieved she was to learn that it was just a congenital heart murmur that would plague me for the rest of my life. Sam walks in with his fiancée. Sam: Hey, everybody. Frasier: Oh, Sam! [standing] Sam: Here she is - the future Mrs. Sam Malone. Sheila, this is Frasier. Sheila: Hello, Frasier, it's nice to finally meet you. Frasier: Sheila, likewise. Uh, this is Roz and Niles. They all shake hands. Niles: Congratulations. Sheila: Thank you. Sam: You want to sit down? I'll get us some coffee or something. Sheila: No, actually Sam, it was sort of a long flight. I was hoping maybe to go back to the hotel and freshen up. Sam: Well, all right, whatever. [to Frasier] Hey, will you join us for dinner about 8:00? Frasier: Sure. Right... right. Sam: Great. All right. Uh, well I guess we're off to [suggestively] freshen up a little. They exit. Frasier stares after them. Frasier: Oh, my god. Roz: Well, she was cute but she's not an, "Oh, my god." Frasier: No, no, no. Not that "Oh, my god." Oh, my god, I slept with that woman three months ago. Niles and Roz both gape at him. Roz: You slept with her? Frasier: Yes! Niles: On what desert island with no hope of rescue was this?! Frasier: [glares, then] I was... I was in Boston for a long weekend. [sits] I was feeling a little depressed, so I took solace in the arms of a... a beautiful and remarkably welcoming young woman in a hotel bar. Niles: And that was she? Frasier: No, Niles. I told you that for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Of course it was she! Did you see the way she ran out of here the minute she saw me? Niles: Ah, yes. The trademark of all your bedmates. [pause] Wait a minute. Three months ago? Didn't Sam say they'd been together for six months? Roz: [putting on makeup] Well, it looks like this horse race is on again. Frasier: Oh, put the weapon down! [shuts her compact] Stop it, Roz! Have you no scruples whatsoever? Roz: You're the one who slept with your friend's fiancée! Frasier: Well, I didn't know that at the time! Niles: Surely you have to tell Sam about this. Frasier: Oh, what, and ruin our relationship as well as theirs?! What I've got to do is, actually I've got to speak to her first. Hear her side of this story. I mean, after all, there are hundreds of reasons why people have affairs. Niles: Roz, you want to get us started? [she shoots him a dirty look] Frasier: Niles. [puts on his coat] Well, there's got to be some explanation. Maybe they stopped seeing each other for a couple of weeks. Maybe Sam cheated on her and she was just doing it to get even with him. Or, who knows? Maybe she just found me completely irresistible. Roz: Oh yeah, that's it. [chuckles] Frasier: Oh, all right! Roz: You struck gold there, Frasier! Roz and Niles laugh as he storms out of the Cafe. FADE TO: Scene Two - Sheila's hotel room. Later that evening: Frasier knocks on the door and Sheila answers. Sheila: Hello, Frasier. Frasier: Hello, Sheila. Good to see you again. [calling out] Sam, you are one lucky guy! Sheila: He's out getting our plane tickets. Frasier: Oh, good. Look, you have some explaining to do, young lady! Sheila: Okay, okay. Wine? Frasier: No, thank you. Sheila: Look... first of all, I know this doesn't excuse what I did, but I had no idea that you were a friend of Sam's. I'm a sexual compulsive. It's how Sam and I met - in group. Look, that night I spent with you - I guess I just kind of fell off the wagon. What I did was terrible. I felt awful afterwards. It ended up being a kind of turning point for me. That's how it is with addiction; before you can get better you have to hit rock bottom. Frasier: [insulted] Yes. Well... I'm glad I could be down there for you. Sheila: Listen, Frasier - I'm human, I made a mistake. Can you understand that? Frasier: Oh, of course I can understand, Sheila. And I sympathize. [sits with her on the couch] I've had many patients that share your affliction... although, to date you're the only one I've met who can hit the emergency button of an elevator with a stiletto heel. Sheila: I want you to know that I love Sam and I'm going to do everything I can to make this marriage work. Frasier: Well, you certainly do seem sincere about this. I think, in all good conscience I can support this marriage, but I want you to know if you start to feel yourself slipping, here's my number. [he hands her his card, which stuns her] No, no, no... so I can help you as a psychiatrist! Sheila: Oh! Thank you. Frasier: Oh, and... I think it's probably best if maybe we don't tell Sam about the two of us. Sheila: Agreed. Frasier: It's not that I have a guilty conscience or anything. Sam enters. Sam: I'm back. Frasier: [leaping from the couch] Yaahh!! Sam: You all right? Frasier: Got a little charley horse, Sam. Sheila: Did you get the tickets, Sam? Sam: Yeah, I did. They're right here. [sits beside her] Sheila: I'm so happy. By this time tomorrow we'll be Mr. and Mrs. Sam Malone. [they kiss] Sam: Yeah... um, I want to talk to you about that. Um, Frasier said something the other day that really stuck in my mind. Frasier: Well, that's a first. What did I say? Sam: You know, that thing about honesty being something... of something... it was pro-honesty. Frasier: Being the cornerstone of a good relationship? Sam: Yeah, right. Well, that really stuck in my mind. Uh...to tell you the truth, I haven't really been honest with you, Sheila. Sheila: What do you mean? Sam: When we get married I want us to have a clean slate sweetheart, you know? Boy, I hope you can forgive me for this, but a few months ago, I had a slip. Actually, I had two slips but they happened simultaneously so I'm counting it as one. Frasier: Was this after you were engaged? Sam: Uh, actually, it was that night. [to Sheila] I'm... I'm so sorry. Listen, it has not happened since and I swear to God it will not happen again. Sheila: Sam, I forgive you. Sam: You do? Sheila: Actually, I'm relieved, because I have something that I need to confess to you. You're not the only one who... slipped. Frasier: [nervous] You know... I think it's time you guys had a little privacy. [gets his coat] Sam: No, no. Frasier, you're responsible for getting us this far. Now, we have no secrets. [to Sheila] All right. Who? Sheila: Well, that's what makes it so tough. It was someone from Cheers. Frasier: Uh... you know, I just remembered. I parked in a loading zone. I'd better... Sheila: Sam, I slept with Paul. This briefly stuns both Frasier and Sam. (Fans of "Cheers" who remember Paul will understand why.) Frasier: Paul? Short... Sam: Bald... Frasier: Fat... Sam: Paul? Sheila: I didn't say he was good. [gets up] Sam: Well, you know - all right, I understand that. [gets up] You were giving Paul a break or something, you know? And I can forgive that. [to Frasier] This is what this is all about, isn't it - forgiveness? Frasier: Yes, yes. [on thin ice] Okay, you told one, you told one, that's great, we're all even-steven! Let's go eat. Sheila: There was someone else... Frasier: [frantically upbeat] What, are we still on this?! Geez — I mean, there is honesty and there's beating a dead horse! Sam: It doesn't matter. I don't care. It doesn't matter who it is. Sheila: Yes, it does matter, Sam. I mean, this one is really embarrassing. I was lonely, I was desperate and I'd just been to the eye doctor and my pupils were dilated... Frasier: Oh, Sheila, for God's sake! Look, I'll tell him. Sam stands up to face Frasier. Frasier: Sam, what's she's trying to say is... Sheila: It was Cliff. Sam is speechless, but Frasier looks relieved. Sam: What? Frasier: I believe she said "Cliff." Sam: Cliff? Cliff... you? You slept with Cliff? CLIFF?! Oh no, that's it, wedding's off! [storms off to a bedroom] Cliff - oh, God! He slams the door. Sheila: Whoa... Frasier, you've got to help me. You've got to talk to him. Frasier sits down on the couch, still reeling from the news. Frasier: I slept with a woman who slept with Cliff?! FADE TO: Scene Three - Frasier's car. That same evening: Frasier is driving Sam to the airport. Sam: Oh, boy. It's gonna be a long flight home. Frasier: Well, I know it was painful, Sam, but you made the right decision. Sam: Yeah, I suppose. [then:] Geez... Cliff! Frasier: You're just using Cliff as the excuse. We both know there were more compelling reasons for you to back out of this thing. Sam: Hmm... No, it was Cliff. Frasier: You know, Sam, to put this thing aside once and for all, I... Sam: Do you realize you're probably the only friend I have who she didn't sleep with? [he eyes Frasier suspiciously] Frasier: Cliff. [chuckles weakly] That is a tough one to swallow, huh? But, you know the important thing is that you proved to yourself that you're ready for a commitment even if Sheila wasn't the one. Sam: Yeah... I suppose so. Frasier: You know, in a way we're both in the same boat. Sam: Yeah? What do you mean? Frasier: Well, you know... we've tried, we've failed. But we'll try again. Sam, we're looking for a meaningful relationship. Sam: Yeah, that's it. That's the word right there - "meaningful." Frasier: We're gonna find it though, buddy. I tell you. Sam: You bet we will. [pause] You know, stewardesses usually hang out at that airport bar. Frasier: That says meaningful to me. They chuckle good-naturedly and Sam claps his hands in excitement as the scene fades out. END OF ACT TWO Credits: Frasier is alone in his car after presumably dropping Sam off at the airport. He is obviously still in shock from the evening's events as he keeps repeating "Cliff?!" over and over. He shakes his head in disbelief.

Guest Appearances

 Special Guest Star
 TED DANSON as Sam Malone

 Guest Starring
 TEA LEONI as Sheila

Thanks To...

Transcript written by ANDREA DAY

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 This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by "The Frasier Files".
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