[5.14]The Ski Lodge


The Ski Lodge                                   Written by Joe Keenan  
                                                Directed by David Lee
=====================================================================
Production Code: 5.14.
Original Airdate on NBC: 24th February 1998
Transcript written on January 21st 2000
Transcript revised on 4th June 2001

AWARDS & NOMINATIONS

Nominated

EMMY
·  Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series: Joe Keenan

Transcript {Mike Lee}


ACT ONE
Scene One — KACL
Frasier has just finished his show.  Roz comes in from her booth.

Frasier: Oh well, good show today, Roz.  I particularly thought that—

Roz notices a woman, Connie, talking to an employee in the hall.

    Roz: Oh my God, there's that Connie from Promotions.  Every time 
         she sees me, she hits me up for another charity.
Frasier: You know, Roz, maybe it's time you set some limits.  Good 
         lord, how hard can it be to say "no" just once?  Oh well, 
         look who I'm talking to.

Roz bats his arm.  He shrugs.  Connie comes in.

 Connie: Hi, Frasier.  Roz, I was looking for you—
    Roz: O.K. wait, Connie, before you say anything, there's something 
         I need to get off my chest.  I have bought Girl Scout cookies 
         from you, I have paid for your kids' band uniforms, I've 
         bought tickets to every raffle your church ever had, and I'm 
         tapped out.  So whatever it is you came to say to me, I'm not 
         interested.
 Connie: Well, I'll just go then. [turns to leave, then] Oh, by the 
         way, my church had its raffle drawing yesterday.  You won the 
         grand prize. [drops an envelope on the console] Sorry to 
         bother you.

Connie leaves.

    Roz: [calling after her] Oh, Connie, Connie, I'm sorry, Connie,  
         don't — oh, who cares, what'd I win?

She grabs the envelope and rips it open.

    Roz: Oh my God!  It's that free ski weekend!
Frasier: Oh, Roz!
    Roz: Listen to this: "Dear winner, you will enjoy a one-weekend 
         rental of a deluxe private ski lodge on Mt. Baker, complete 
         with lessons from a former Olympic champ!"
Frasier: That is a grand prize indeed!  I must admit, I'm just a bit 
         envious.  Well, listen, I hope you have a wonderful weekend.
    Roz: Well, thank you, Frasier.
Frasier: Just seems a pity you won't be able to take advantage of 
         those ski lessons.
    Roz: Well, there'll be other stuff to do.
Frasier: Oh, tons, tons!  Just because you can't ski — or for that 
         matter hike, sled, or snowboard — doesn't mean you can't 
         still curl up in by a roaring fire with a nice warm snifter 
         of... oh, sorry.
    Roz: Well, the scenery will be nice.
Frasier: Breathtaking!  I just hope you can endure the four-hour drive 
         up there, and you so carsick these days...
    Roz: OK, Frasier, I know what you're hinting at.  This is the 
         first thing I have ever won in my entire life, and it means 
         something to me.  So I'm not going to sell it, or give it 
         away, or trade it for a...
Frasier: Big-screen TV?
    Roz: Key's in the envelope.
Frasier: Thank you.

He takes the envelope and leaves.

FADE OUT

Scene Two — Frasier's Apartment — Night
Martin is watching a baseball game on TV.  The sound is turned up 
very loud.  The doorbell rings, and Daphne crosses the room with a 
basket of laundry.

 Daphne: What do you need that so loud for?  I swear you've gone deaf 
         as a post!
 Martin: It's just a cold stopping up my ears, I'll be fine.

Daphne opens the door to Niles, who is on his cell phone.

  Niles: Dear God, man, whose lawyer are you, anyway?  No, I will not 
         calm down! [coming in] They call that a settlement?  You call 
         them and turn it down. [louder, over TV] I said, turn it down, 
         you ninny!
 Martin: Geez, you could at least ask nicely!

Martin grabs the remote and turns the TV down.  Niles hangs up.

  Niles: I've got to get a new divorce lawyer.  Claude is clearly no 
         match for Maris's team.
 Daphne: Real sharks, are they?
  Niles: When we were courting, I sent Maris a valentine that said, 
         "You're the girl my heart adores, Everything I have is yours."  
         Now they're calling it a pre-nup.
 Daphne: That's terrible! [to Martin] Can you imagine using that as a 
         weapon — an old valentine?
 Martin: I'd love a cold Ballantine!
 Daphne: That does it!  You're getting a hearing aid, whether you like 
         it or not!
 Martin: I don't need a hearing aid!  My hearing will be back to 
         normal in no time.
 Daphne: You said that two days ago.  Soon you won't be able to hear a 
         word I say.
 Martin: Gee, wouldn't that be a tragedy?

He turns back to the game.  Daphne scowls and walks behind the chair.

 Martin: [taking a shot] I heard that.
 Daphne: I didn't say anything!

Frasier comes in.

Frasier: Well, what are you all loitering around here for when you 
         should all be packing?
 Daphne: Packing for what?
Frasier: For the fabulous ski weekend I'm taking us on!
  Niles: You're kidding!  You won the raffle?
Frasier: In a manner of speaking.  It's a gorgeous ski lodge, and an 
         Olympic champion in residence to give us lessons!
 Daphne: Oh, sounds like heaven!  Skiing all weekend, then warming up 
         with a nice hot rum drink, curled up under a blanket in front 
         of a roaring fire...
  Niles: I can feel the steam rising off my toddy already.
 Daphne: Oh, damn!  I can't go.
  Niles: [alarmed] Why not?
 Daphne: My friend Annie.  It's her birthday this weekend, and I 
         promised I'd spend it with her.
  Niles: Well, bring her along.

Frasier looks sharply at Niles.

 Daphne: Well, I know she'd love it.  She's very gung-ho for sports.  
         She was captain of the girls' rugby team at school.
Frasier: Well, I'm not sure how many bedrooms there are.
  Niles: Well, if we're short, she can have mine.
 Daphne: Where will you sleep?
  Niles: Well, I'll think of something.
 Daphne: [to Frasier] Are you sure you wouldn't mind?
Frasier: Oh well, yes, why not?  I mean, what could be more fun than 
         a gung-ho girls' rugby captain?

Daphne runs off to her room.

Frasier: I will kill you for this!
  Niles: I'm sorry, but it was the only way Daphne was going to come, 
         and if you think I was going to let a moonlit ski lodge go 
         to waste, you can think again.
Frasier: You filed for divorce a week ago.  Can't you wait awhile?
  Niles: Wait?  I have waited five long years for this.  Dad, don't 
         you think it's about time?
 Martin: [checking his watch] Uh, I got ten after five.
Frasier: Listen, Niles, if you want to make a fool of yourself with 
         Daphne, that is your affair.  But frankly, I will not have 
         you ruin my ski weekend by inviting along this girl that 
         sounds to me like an avalanche risk!  I'm going to tell 
         Daphne, no guests!

Daphne comes back.

 Daphne: I called Annie.  She's all excited.  Turns out she just 
         bought new skis with the money she made off her new swimsuit 
         calendar.

Daphne goes to the kitchen.  Frasier turns to Niles.

Frasier: Well, I hope you're happy.  We're stuck with her now.

Even as he speaks, he's unable to keep the smile off his face, or the 
gleam out of his eye.

FADE TO:

Scene Three — Ski Lodge — Day
The lodge has a living and dining room area with a fireplace.  Off this 
is a small kitchen.  Another downstage door leads to a bedroom.  Doors 
leading to two more bedrooms face each other upstage.  Stairs beyond 
this lead to a second floor landing with doors to three more bedrooms.

Niles and Martin, wearing winter outfits, enter carrying luggage.

  Niles: Wow, look at this place!
 Martin: Wow, look at this place!  Nothing like a change of scenery, 
         huh? [looks around] Where do you suppose the TV is?
  Niles: At this altitude, I'm surprised my ears haven't stopped up.  
         How's it affecting your ears, Dad?

No response.

  Niles: Dad?
 Martin: What?
  Niles: How are your ears?
 Martin: [covering badly] Great!  Never been better!  No hearing aid 
         for me!

Niles turns away.  Martin madly flexes his jaw to pop his ears, 
without success.  Frasier comes in with more luggage.

Frasier: [calling back over his shoulder] No need to struggle with 
         that, Annie.  I'll be back to help you in a moment.  Oh, 
         this place is terrific!
  Niles: Yes.  I'm just glad we got here alive.  The way you were 
         taking those curves so sharply, poor Annie kept getting 
         thrown up against you.
Frasier: [naughtily] Well, what can I say?  I'm a bad driver.
  Niles: I grant you she's comely, but don't you find her a tad — what 
         would the polite euphemism be — stupid?
Frasier: Niles, she is just unschooled, like Liza Doolittle.  Find her 
         the right Henry Higgins, she'll be ready for a ball in no 
         time!
  Niles: Leave it to you to put the "pig" back in "Pygmalion."
Frasier: Thank you.

Daphne and Annie — a blond, British woman in her twenties with a 
supermodel figure — enter with the last of the luggage.

 Daphne: Goodness, this place is just lovely!
Frasier: Yes, isn't it, though? [motioning out the window] I mean, 
         look at that vista, it's stunning!  Puts one in mind of the 
         Matterhorn, doesn't it?
  Annie: Oh, I wouldn't know.  I'm not very musical.

Niles gives Frasier a look.  Martin opens an Igloo cooler and pulls 
out two large bottles of rum.

 Martin: Oh, that's a relief!  The way you were swerving on the ride up 
         here, I was afraid these'd get broken.  I'm gonna make us all 
         a batch of my special hot buttered rum!
Frasier: You're actually going to put butter in the rum?
 Martin: It's cold in the mountains, you need a little fat in your 
         booze.

Martin takes the bottles to the kitchen.

Frasier: Good thinking, Dad.  After we're done, I'll whip us up a 
         nice batch of pork-nog.

Frasier and Niles laugh.

  Annie: None for me, thanks, I'm a vegetarian.
  Niles: Daphne, let me help you with your luggage.
 Daphne: Oh, thank you.
  Niles: Uh, which room do you want?
 Daphne: Oh... [points] That one upstairs on the left should have 
         a nice view.
  Niles: What a coincidence, that's right next to mine.
  Annie: Oh, I'll take the one next to that.
Frasier: Allow me.

Frasier takes Annie's bags and exits with Niles, leaving the two women 
alone.

 Annie: That Niles is quite a cutey.  Now he's the one getting 
        divorced?
Daphne: Yeah.  Poor thing's been just miserable.
 Annie: Well, I may just have to cheer him up.
Daphne: You just leave Dr. Crane alone.  No offense, but I've seen 
        the way you go through men.  The last thing he needs is for 
        someone else to break his heart.

As Daphne speaks, she zips up the front of Annie's jumpsuit, covering 
her more-than-slightly exposed cleavage.

  Annie: But it's my birthday!  And besides, you're not his nanny.

Unseen by them, Guy, their ski instructor, enters with a bag of 
groceries.  He's darkly tanned, French, and very good-looking.

 Daphne: Can't we just have a nice relaxing ski trip?  Does this whole 
         trip have to be about sex?
    Guy: Allo.

Daphne turns around — and blushes.

 Daphne: Hello.
    Guy: I am Guy.
 Daphne: Daphne.
  Annie: Annie.
    Guy: I hope you are ready to ski tomorrow.  I'm going to work you 
         very hard.
 Daphne: Oh! [giggling]

Guy goes to the kitchen.  Daphne turns to Annie.

 Daphne: Dibs on the Frenchman.
  Annie: You can have him.

Frasier emerges from one of the bedrooms.

  Annie: He's not half as cute as Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Oh, enough already, my ears are burning!

Guy comes back into the living room, as Martin and Niles also come out.

 Daphne: Everyone, did you meet Guy, our ski instructor?
Frasier: [shakes hands] Hello, Guy.
    Guy: I will also be your chef tonight, Entrecôte a la Guy.
  Niles: A ski champion and a gourmet — vous étés très formidable.
    Guy: Parlez-vous francais?
  Niles: Oui, j'ai habité à six mois à Paris quand j'étais un étudiant.
    Guy: You speak very well.
  Annie: Oui!
Frasier: Oh, you speak French as well?
  Annie: No, all I know how to say is "oui."
Frasier: [naughtily] Well, that should be enough to get you through 
         the weekend.

Martin looks out the window.

 Martin: Aw, look at that.  Two deer in the snow, just kind of 
         nuzzling each other.

Everyone noises "Awww," and "How cute," etc.

 Daphne: How romantic.
Frasier: Yes, it's enough to put ideas in one's head.

He steals a glance at Annie.

  Annie: Isn't it?

She steals a glance at Niles.

  Niles: Yes.

He steals a glance at Daphne.

 Daphne: I should say so.

She steals a glance at Guy.

    Guy: Absolument.

Guy leans back and steals a glance at Niles's butt.  Then they all go 
back to staring out the window.

 Martin: Well, I guess I'd better start that rum cooking.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

COULD GUY'S LAST NAME BE FEYDEAU?
Scene Four — Ski Lodge — Night After dinner. Guy is stoking the fire. Daphne hovers over him, while Annie is on the couch with a mug of hot rum. Daphne: Look at you — you're handy, a chef, a ski champ. Is there anything you don't do? Guy: There are a few things. Niles comes down the stairs in pajamas and a dressing gown. Guy: Oh, Niles, you look très élégant! Niles: Yes, I simply had to change. After all that wine and good food, I felt I was going to burst out of my trousers. Annie: Ooh, my! Daphne: Annie. Frasier comes out of his room, also in pajamas and a dressing gown that's a little more garish than Niles's. Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, what a smashing robe! Frasier: Thank you. Daphne: [to Annie] Doesn't he look handsome? Annie: [uninterested] Oh, yeah, quite. Oh, look — I've finished my buttered rum. Frasier: Never let it be said that Frasier Crane would permit a lady to go thirsty. Daphne, why don't you see if Dad's finished with that second batch? Daphne takes two mugs and goes to the kitchen, where Martin is standing over a large pot of rum on the stove. He's still trying to pop his ears. Daphne: Two more. Martin: Almost there. I just need to replace some of this rum that's boiled off. Daphne: Oh, yeah, just what Annie needs. She's all over poor Dr. Crane as it is, and after I begged her to leave him alone. Why couldn't she be hot for Frasier? Martin: What? Daphne: Annie — hot for Frasier! Martin: Oh. Daphne: [looking out the door] I should just forget about those two and concentrate on Guy. Now he's the sort of tall drink of water I could really go for. She leaves. Martin obligingly opens the fridge and gets out a bottle of spring water, and turns just in time to see Frasier come in. Martin: Here you go. Frasier: Oh, well, thank you, Dad, but actually it's the rum I'm interested in. I think it's just the thing I need to clinch things with Annie. Martin: Oh, Annie, huh? I know something about that — she's hot for you. Frasier: Says who? Martin: Daphne. She said, "Annie's hot for Frasier." Frasier: I knew my charms would win her over! My God, I should register this dressing gown with the love police. Out in the living room, Annie is seated on the coffee table, facing Niles, with a sympathetic hand on his knee. Niles is uncomfortable, while Daphne hovers disapprovingly. Annie: Oh, I know the pain you're going through. I mean, I've never been divorced myself, but my last boyfriend was... eventually. What you need is something to take your mind off it. [gets up and starts to sit down on his lap] I'll tell you what always works for me— Daphne: [grabbing her] Time to go upstairs! Annie: What for? Daphne: I need to give you your birthday present. It's in my room. Annie: [to Niles] I'll see you in a bit. They go upstairs. Niles sighs with relief — and starts as he notices Guy sitting right next to him on the couch. Guy: Allo. Niles: Hi. Guy: Your friend Daphne, she did not like the way Annie was flirting with you. Niles: No, she didn't, did she? Guy: In fact, she dragged Annie right off to her bedroom. Niles: I think I know what that means. Girlish laughter comes from Daphne's room. Guy: I think we both know. Daphne was jealous. Niles: [elated] She was jealous, wasn't she? I don't believe it! Guy: I am surprised by nothing. You know, I think you did not like Annie's flirting either. Niles: Oh, was it that obvious? Guy: Annie is not your... cup of tea? Niles: Well, [leans in; whispers confidentially] Just between us, my interests lie elsewhere this weekend. Guy: [suavely] Really? Frasier comes out of the kitchen. Frasier: Rum's ready! Niles: Ah. Guy, perhaps you could help my dad with the drinks? Guy: I am at your service. Frasier: Thank you, Guy. Guy goes to the kitchen. Niles excitedly goes up to Frasier. Niles: Daphne wants me! Frasier: She told you that? Niles: Well, no. But Annie was flirting with me, and Daphne dragged her off to her room in a jealous rage! Frasier: No, no, no, Niles, Annie was not flirting with you. She's hot for me. Niles: I think I know when I'm being flirted with. Frasier: Oh, please, Niles, you're going beyond the limit that time. You're delusional! Next thing, you'll be telling me that Guy's after you! Niles: All right, now you're dreaming things up... In the kitchen, Guy and Martin sample some of the rum. Guy: How do you like your rum? Martin: Well, it's kind of small, but it's got a nice view. Guy: [holds up his mug] No, your rum. Martin: [seeing] Oh, yeah, yeah. Could you speak up a little? Guy: [speaking louder] I wonder if it's clouded my judgment about something. Your son Niles — is it my imagination, or is he attracted to—? Martin: Hold it right there. It's not your imagination. He's got it bad. Guy: Really? Martin: Mmm. Guy: This is not a delicate subject for you? Martin: Oh, no, no. Niles has had those feelings for years. 'Course, I didn't encourage it during his so-called marriage, but now that he's free, whatever makes him happy — I say go for it! Guy: You are a wonderful father. Martin and Guy carry a tray of mugs into the living room. As they come in, Daphne and Annie come back down, both wearing nightgowns. Daphne's is covered by a robe, while Annie only wears a flimsy sheath over her shoulders. Martin: O.K., everybody, come and get it! Niles: Daphne, just in time. Frasier: Annie, that's a lovely gown. Annie: Daphne just gave it to me. Guy: [knowingly] I'll bet she did. Everyone takes a mug and sits around the coffee table. Frasier: [sipping] Mmm, Dad, this batch is even stronger than the last one! Martin: Yeah... first time I made this was for your mother. I'd been wanting to pop the question but I was afraid she'd say no. This gave me the nerve to ask her and I got myself a great big "yes"... and that wasn't the only "yes" I got from her that night either. [laughs] Still scares me to think how close I came to chickening out, though. You know, as you get older, it's not the failures you regret, or the times you made an ass of yourself. It's the times you never even tried, when you just lost your nerve. Frasier: Wise words. Niles: Hear, hear. Frasier: Faint heart never won fair lady. Annie: I certainly hope that if a man fancied me, he wouldn't be afraid to take a chance, go for a bold gesture. Wheels begin turning in Frasier's head. Niles: Yes, we must never be too timid to pursue our heart's desire. Guy: And not give a damn what the world thinks... right, Miss Moon? Daphne: Indeed. [giggles into her mug] Martin: Takes an hour to make one of these things, but it's worth it just to sit here and savor every sip. Everyone agrees. Then they all throw theirs back and replace their mugs on the table. Daphne: I'm done. Niles: Time for bed. Guy: I'm ready. Annie: Me, too. Frasier: 'Night, Dad. They get up and head for their rooms. Martin: What? You're not going to bed already, are you? Oh, fine. Goodnight. Guy: Enjoy your rum! Martin: Well, I'd enjoy it more if it had a TV in it. Martin turns out the lights in the living room. Guy exits to his room. Annie and Daphne, slightly tipsy, exit also — but to the rooms opposite the ones they took earlier. Frasier and Niles stop. Niles: I thought Daphne's room was... Frasier: They must have switched. Frasier and Niles exit to their rooms. Daphne and Annie come back out, giggling. Annie: I took the wrong room. Daphne: Yes, I thought we got that backwards. Annie: Oh well, no harm done. Daphne and Annie cross and go into their correct rooms. Hearing voices, Frasier and Niles stick their heads out. Frasier: [whispering] Annie? Niles: [whispering] Daphne? No one there but the two of them. Frasier: Goodnight, Niles. Niles: Goodnight. They close their doors. Guy, hearing Niles's voice, sticks his head out. Guy: Allo? Daphne, hearing Guy's voice, sticks her head out. Daphne: Oh, hello. Guy: [whispering] I know what you want. Don't be timid — go for it! He disappears back into his room. Daphne, atwitter, disappears back into hers. Scene Five — Niles's/Annie's/Guy's/Daphne's Rooms Let the Roundelays Begin! NILES'S ROOM: After Niles closes his hallway door, he tiptoes over to the door connecting to the adjacent room and knocks. Niles: [whispering] Daphne! No answer. He opens the door and goes in. ANNIE'S ROOM: Niles is alone in Annie's room. In the bathroom there is a sound of gargling. Niles: [whispering] Hello? It's Niles! Annie: [muffled] Wait just a minute. Niles: I can't wait, if I don't say this now I may lose my nerve. I need you! I've wanted you since the moment I laid eyes on you! Annie comes out, wearing only her nightie. Annie: Oh, I feel the exact same way! Niles: Annie! Annie: I see you're surprised. Well, I've tried to send you signals tonight, but as usual I was too damned subtle. He backs slowly toward the door. Annie climbs over the bed and slinks close to him. Annie: Just promise me you won't mention this to Daphne. Niles: My lips are sealed. Annie: Not for long, I hope. Just as she's got him cornered, someone knocks on the connecting door. Niles: Come in! It is Guy, now also in a dressing gown. Niles: [saved] Guy! Guy: Niles, I thought I heard your voice in here. Annie: What do you want? Guy: Niles, you told me you wanted to see that thing. You know, in my room? Niles: Oh yes! Thank you for reminding me. Annie: What thing? Niles: Won't take long. I'll catch you later. HALLWAY: Niles and Guy slip out of Annie's room. They speak in whispers. Niles: That was close! I owe you a big one! Niles starts for his bedroom door. Guy: Your room? Niles: Oh, good point, Guy. She's bound to hear me in there. Guy: We can go in my room. Niles: It's much safer. No matter how hard I try, I'm bound to make noise. Niles crosses to Guy's door. Guy: Me too. GUY'S ROOM: Niles and Guy come in. Daphne is sitting up in Guy's bed in her nightie, grinning with girlish anticipation. Niles: Daphne! Daphne: Dr. Crane! The grin disappears. So does Daphne, as she pulls the covers over her head. Guy: Miss Moon! Is your room not satisfactory? Daphne: [mortified] Oh dear, I seem to have made a dreadful mistake. Niles: What are you doing in Guy's room? Daphne: [sees a way out] Oh, is this Guy's room then? [laughs nervously] I was looking for Annie's room. Guy: Oh, now it makes sense. Daphne gets out of the bed and pulls on her robe. Daphne: I'll just go! Niles: Oh, wait for me. The hall is horribly dark, I'll show you the way. Daphne leaves. Niles turns to Guy. Niles: My room should be safe now. Guy: Very well, I'll see you later. Niles: [not getting it] Excellent, yes. HALLWAY: Niles and Daphne meet Frasier emerging from the kitchen with a bottle of champagne. Daphne: Dr. Crane. Frasier: Oh... hello. What were the two of you doing in Guy's room? Daphne: Just saying goodnight. Niles: Now we're off to say goodnight to Annie. Daphne: Goodnight to you, Dr. Crane. Frasier: Oh, thank you. Uh, how long will you be with Annie? Daphne: Just a minute or two. Is that champagne? Frasier: Yes. I was just delivering it to... Dad. Well, carry on. Frasier goes to his room. Niles: Before you see Annie, can you come to my room? Daphne: What for? Niles: There's something I need to tell you. NILES'S ROOM: Niles and Daphne come in. The lights are off. Niles: This may come as a surprise to you— The lights come up. Annie is lying on Niles's bed. Daphne: Annie! Annie: Daphne! Daphne: Didn't I tell you to leave Dr. Crane alone? Annie: And now I see why! You wanted him all to yourself! Daphne: I do not want him all to myself! Annie: Oh, I see! It's a threesome you're after! Well, I don't do those anymore. Niles: There's obviously been some kind of misunderstanding here. Annie: I don't see how. You barged into my room not five minutes ago and told me how much you wanted me. Daphne: You did? Niles: Well, technically, yes— Annie: Then as soon as this one bats her eyes, it's shove off, Annie! [crying] This is the worst birthday I've ever had! Annie runs back into her room. Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, I'm sorry. I've ruined everything for you. Niles: No, you haven't. Those things I said to Annie, I can explain— Daphne: No, no, no, it's none of my business. I've had enough embarrassment for one night! Niles: But... She goes back to her room through the connecting door. Niles follows her. DAPHNE'S ROOM: The lights are off. As Daphne and Niles come in, there is the sound of a cork popping. The lights come up. Frasier is lying in Daphne's bed, naked underneath the sheets. The champagne bottle is in his lap, overflowing onto the bed. Daphne: Dr. Crane! Frasier: Daphne! He tries to sit up, cover himself, and catch the champagne in a glass, all at the same time. Niles: Frasier! You snake! Frasier: I'm sorry, wrong room! Daphne: Just get out of here, right now! Frasier gets out, wrapping the sheet around himself, and leaves with the champagne bottle. Frasier: Next room I want, then? Daphne: Just go! Frasier: Yes, bye-bye, sorry again! NILES'S ROOM: Frasier comes in. The lights are off. As Frasier closes the door behind him: Guy: Bonsoir. The lights come up. Guy is lying naked in Niles's bed, under the covers. Seeing Frasier, he sits up. Frasier: Guy! Guy: You are not the Crane I want! Frasier: You're not even the sex I want! Guy: Where is Niles? Frasier opens the door to Daphne's room and sticks his head in. Frasier: Oh, Niles? Company! Niles comes in and takes in the scene. Niles: Oh my God! What are you doing in here with Guy? Guy: Don't be jealous, Niles, it's not how it looks! Niles: Oh. [turns to go back, then] WHAT?! Frasier: You know, much as I'd love to stay and help you two sort this thing out, there happens to be a very beautiful woman on the other side of this door who wants me desperately! He crosses to the connecting door and flings it open. Frasier: Annie! Annie: [screaming] Aah! Go away! Get out! Frasier stumbles back, slamming the door. Daphne runs in. Daphne: What's going on? [sees] Guy! Annie storms in, wearing only a towel. Annie: How dare you barge in on me when I'm naked! Frasier: I'm sorry! My father told me you were hot for me! Annie: Your father did?! Frasier: Blame Daphne, she's the one who told him! Daphne: I did not! I said she wanted your brother! Guy: Could Niles and I please have some privacy? Annie: [to Niles] You're just putting the moves on everyone, aren't you? Niles is confused for a second, not sure whom to address first, then takes a little step towards his bed. Niles: Would you kindly get out of my bed? I am not gay, Guy. Guy: Please, acknowledge your true nature! Stop chasing these lesbians! Daphne: Lesbians?! Annie gapes. Frasier and Niles, if anything, look more confused. Guy: Your father himself told me you wanted me! Niles: My father said I wanted you?! A five-way overlap ensues: "My father said what?" "Who are you calling lesbians?" "You're the most horrible family I've ever met," "Would everyone please just go to bed," "I've never been so humiliated in my life!" etc., etc. Finally Martin comes in. Martin: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hold it down, there are people here trying to sleep! [realizes] Oh, my ears must have popped. I can hear again! He takes in the scene — everyone standing around half-naked. Martin: Well, goodnight all. He leaves. Silence for a few moments. Niles: All right. We could discuss this till we've figured out every detail of what went on here tonight, but if you ask me, breakfast will be embarrassing enough as it is. I suggest we all forget this ever happened, and just go to bed. Guy pulls on his robe and everyone heads for the various doors. Frasier: Oh, wait, wait, wait! Wait, everybody! [everyone stops and looks at him] Let me see if I've got this straight. All the lust coursing through this lodge tonight, all the hormones virtually ricocheting off the walls, and no one... was chasing me? Everyone thinks for a second, and realizes he's right. Frasier: [sighs] See you at breakfast. He goes out the door. Credits: It's late at night. Annie slips out of her room, holding the champagne bottle. She tiptoes over to Frasier's room and knocks on the door. No answer. She knocks again. Still no answer. Disappointed, she goes back to her room in a sulk. As her door closes, Frasier emerges from the kitchen munching on a late-night snack. He goes into his room and closes the door.

Guest Appearances

 Guest Starring
 CYNTHIA LaMONTAGNE as Annie
 LISA ROBINSON as Connie 
 JAMES PATRICK STUART as Guy

Legal Stuff


 This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley. This episode 
 summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount 
 Productions and NBC. Printed without permission. 

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