[3.21]Where There's Smoke There's Fired


Where There's Smoke There's Fired               Written by Joe Keenan
                                                Directed by Philip
                                                Charles MacKenzie 
=====================================================================
Production Code: 3.21
Episode Number In Production Order: 69
Original Airdate on NBC: 30th April 1996
Transcript written on 17th October 1999
Transcript revised on 11th August 2000
Transcript revised 2nd on 28th November 2002

I Summon Thee...

Bebe Glaser has appeared in:
- [1.09] Selling Out
- [1.18] And The Whimper Is...
- [2.22] Agents In America, Part III

References


- Biedermeier
  Antique furniture brand

- "The Grapes of Wrath"
  John Steinbeck's novel about an American family during the Depression.

- Zane Grey
  American outdoorsman and Western novelist.

- Yosemite Sam
  Cowboy cartoon character.
  
- "young'un"
  Western slang for child.

- Camembert, Stilton, and Feta
  Three kinds of cheese.

- "farina"
  Finely ground meal, often used to feed horses.

- "Mazel Tov!"
  Hebrew expression meaning "good luck" and "congratulations" together.


Transcript {nick hartley}

ACT ONE

Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
Martin is reading the newspaper as Daphne is wandering about the 
living room when the doorbell sounds.  She shouts "coming" then 
opens the door to find Niles on his mobile phone.

 Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane.
  Niles: [into phone:] My God, after all our years together - all the 
         good times, all the bad times - you can't loan me a meager 
         four thousand dollars?  You must appreciate how hard it is 
         for me to approach you about this.  I thought I meant more 
         to you than this, but apparently I don't. [hangs up] And 
         they call themselves "the friendly bank!"

Daphne goes back to the table to clip coupons.

 Martin: What do you need to borrow money for? 
  Niles: I saw the most exquisite Biedermeier footstool.
 Martin: For four thousand bucks?  Niles, your mother and I didn't 
         pay that much for our first house.
  Niles: I know, dad.  I lived there.
 Martin: Well, I keep telling you, you don't have Maris's money to 
         throw around anymore.  You're going to have to start cutting 
         back a little.
  Niles: I have cut back.  Last month I told my masseur I could only 
         see him once a week.
 Martin: [sarcastic:] Oh, I remember that scene in "Grapes Of Wrath" 
         when Ma Joad did that.
 Daphne: You know, if you need to save a bit, you should do what I do 
         and cut out coupons.
  Niles: [interested:] Coupons.  Well, what a wonderful way 
         to economize.  Well, I could clip them and give them 
         to my personal shopper. 

Daphne and Martin share a look.  Frasier enters from his room.

Frasier: Oh, Niles, good morning.
  Niles: Hey.
Frasier: Daphne, has Bebe Glazer called back yet?
 Daphne: 'Fraid not.
  Niles: You're still consorting with that barracuda?
Frasier: Well, a barracuda is what you want in an agent, Niles.  
         It's just that the station's been sold, I was hoping 
         she might have some scuttlebutt on the new owner. 

The doorbell sounds.

Frasier: I must admit she's rather hard to get a hold of these days.
  Niles: Oh, really?  I thought one just drew a pentagram on the 
         floor and chanted "I summon thee" three times.

Frasier opens the door to Roz, who is carrying a file of news 
clippings.

Frasier: Hello, Roz.
    Roz: Hey.

They all shout their greetings.

Frasier: What have you got on the new owner?
    Roz: Oh, plenty.
Frasier: Yeah?
    Roz: His name is Wilford S. Boone, but he likes to be called 
         "Big Willy."
 Daphne: Well, there's a little snapshot of his psyche right there.
    Roz: He's an eighty-five year-old Texan.  Practically no formal 
         education but he went from errand boy at a radio station to 
         owning his own media empire worth six hundred million.
  Niles: [distracted by coupon:] This is great, I don't even know 
         what "Renuzit" is, but it's twenty cents off and I want it.
    Roz: You're clipping coupons?
  Niles: [proudly] I'm economizing.
    Roz: Oh well it's about time, you spend money like a drunken 
         sailor.
  Niles: She said authoritatively.

Frasier is looking through the papers at the coffee table.

Frasier: Excuse me, could we get back to the subject at hand, please?
 Martin: What are you so antsy about?
Frasier: Dad, Wilford S. Boone-
    Roz: Big Willy.
Frasier: Please, Roz, I just can't say that yet, alright? - Wilford S. 
         Boone owns thirty radio stations across the country.  If he 
         likes you he's been known to syndicate your show nationwide. 
         So, I'm trying to find out if we have anything in common - 
         an angle, if you will.  So what are his interests, Roz?
    Roz: Well, it's all in there.  He likes whittling, rodeos, the 
         novels of Zane Grey...
 Martin: [sarcastic:] Gee, Fras.  It's like you two were separated 
         at birth.
    Roz: He also owns a 5,000 acre cattle ranch and the world's 
         largest collection of antique six-shooters.
Frasier: Oh dear God, I'm sucking up to Yosemite Sam!

FADE OUT

Scene Two - Radio Station.
Roz and Frasier are walking along the corridors towards the recording 
booth.

    Roz: I think if we really want to impress Big Willy we should 
         think of some Western theme to do for the show today.
Frasier: Great idea, Roz. [sarcastic:] Why don't we just start the 
         show off with a segment on how to get in touch with your 
         inner young'un.

Frasier and Roz bump into Bulldog who is listening to Gil's show 
through the door.

    Gil: [in booth] What a fascinating theory!  Do go on.
Frasier: What's going on?
Bulldog: Oh, this is great.  I told Gil the new station owner is a 
         Greek tycoon.
Frasier: He fell for that?
Bulldog: Hook, line, and souvlaki!

Meanwhile, Gil does his show:

    Gil: You can keep your overripe Camembert and malodorous Stilton, 
         they can't compare with the salty insouciance of Greece's 
         glorious Feta.  It's not just for shepherds anymore!  This is 
         Gil Chesterton saying Bon Appetite, or as we say in Athens, 
         Kali Orexi! [presses button]

Bulldog falls into the booth laughing as Frasier explains.

Frasier: Oh Gil, you've been had.  The new station owner isn't Greek, 
         he's from Texas.
Bulldog: [to Gil] You are so easy!
    Gil: Well, I hope you're happy!  I've just given four stars to a 
         restaurant called "A Taste Of Greece."  Which, trust me, is 
         no misnomer.
Bulldog: Well that's what you deserve, trying to suck up to some 
         senile old coot!

The senile old coot - dressed in boots, string tie, and a cowboy hat - 
enters the booth and hears him without Bulldog noticing.

Bulldog: Hell, he probably can't eat anything but strained peas and 
         farina! [laughs]
Frasier: [stopping him:] Uh, Mr Boone?
  Boone: [strong Texan accent:] Yeah, that's right.
Frasier: Pleasure to see you.  I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.  This is Roz 
         Doyle, Gil Chesterton and... [points at Bulldog]
Bulldog: [covering up:] I'm Skippy the lunch boy.  So, uh, that's two 
         strained peas and a farina for the big guy. [exits]
    Gil: Oh, uh, Skippy?  Change my order!  I've got a sudden hankering 
         for baby-back ribs and corn bread. [exits after him]
  Boone: Oh, I've been looking for you Dr. Crane.  I have a little 
         problem and they told me you're just the fella who could 
         fix it.  Oh, I hope I'm not imposing. 
Frasier: Oh, no, don't be silly, Mr. Boone.
  Boone: Well, actually I prefer "Big Willy." 
Frasier: Don't be silly, Big Willy. [Roz and Frasier keep in their 
         laughter]
  Boone: You see, I'm engaged to be married.
Frasier: Oh, congratulations.
  Boone: Well, sweet young thing.  Just nuts about me.  Problem is, 
         she smokes.
Frasier: Oh lord, that is a very bad habit.   
  Boone: Oh, it's a vile habit!  Would have destroyed my affection 
         for her if, well she didn't possess certain... compensating 
         gifts. [Frasier and Roz trade a look.] Anyway, as a favour 
         to me, could you help her?
Frasier: Well, I'll certainly try.  Just keep in mind, though, 
         addiction is fraught with many complex issues.  Length 
         of habit, motivation...
  Boone: Forgive me, sometimes I don't express myself too clearly. 
         When I say, "could you help her," what I meant to say was 
         [definite:] HELP HER!
Frasier: Consider it done. 
  Boone: Much obliged.  She'll be in touch. [exits]
Frasier: That's me, Dr. Frasier Crane, bimbo wrangler.

He sinks into his chair with a groan.

    Roz: Frasier, stop it! This is a golden opportunity!  You make
         this little tootsie quit smoking and we're halfway to 
         syndication.
   Bebe: [enters booth:] Did someone just say the word "syndication," 
         or do I just hear it every time I lay eyes on my favorite 
         client?
Frasier: Oh, Bebe. [they kiss cheeks, he continues to moan]
   Bebe: Is something wrong, dear?
Frasier: Well, yes.
    Roz: We just met Big Willy...
Frasier: Oh, he thinks I'm some sort of a magician.  He wants me to 
         play therapist to his little fianceé.  No doubt some gold-
         digging piranha so devoid of scruples that she's willing to 
         rob the coffin and just... 

Frasier notices that Bebe and Big Willy and now exchanging kisses 
through the glass partition.

Frasier: Oh, dear God!
   Bebe: Isn't it wonderful?  We met last month and it was love at 
         first sight.
    Roz: First sight of what - his bankbook and a cardiogram?  
         Two minutes. [exits to booth]
   Bebe: I'm hurt that she can even joke about such a thing.  I love 
         that dear sweet old man with every fibre of my being. 
         [lights a cigarette]
Frasier: [sarcastic:] I'm sure you do.  I'm afraid there won't even 
         be a wedding if you can't get rid of that rotten habit, and 
         he's just ordered me to see that you do!
   Bebe: God, you'd think a touch of emphysema were the end of 
         the world!
  Boone: [enters] What's that in your hand, woman?
   Bebe: Sorry, pudd'n.  Bebe slipped.
Frasier: Just that all-important last puff. [stubbs it out for her]
  Boone: Well, see that it is!  Well, Dr. Crane, I'm heading out of 
         town for three days.  When I get back on Sunday, I expect 
         my little gal here to be smoke-free by then.
Frasier: [worried] In... three days?
  Boone: Now, you do whatever it takes to help her, doc!  Drugs, 
         straightjackets, electroshock... [exits]
   Bebe: You see how he dotes on me.

Frasier gives her a "yeah, right" smile.

FADE TO:

Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment.
Bebe is laying on the couch as Frasier wanders around the room 
creating a stereotypical psychiatrist scene.

Frasier: Excellent progress, Bebe!  You've really dived into the 
         emotional void that is the route of your addiction.  Your 
         fear of abandonment, your fear that those you trust will 
         suddenly turn their backs when you expect them to... 
         [doorbell sounds] Excuse me. 
   Bebe: My God, it all seems so clear now.  You're a miracle worker.
Frasier: If I had a dime for every time... well... [opens door] Niles!
  Niles: Hello Frasier, I noticed you were out of capers the other 
         night, so I got you this. 

Niles takes a massive jar of capers out of his bag.  Frasier holds it.

Frasier: Thank you Niles, but why so many?
  Niles: I just discovered a place called "Price Buster's Warehouse."  
         You have to buy in bulk, but the savings are extraordinary 
         and they have a huge selection.  I found french fries and 
         french doors in the same aisle. 
Frasier: Well, the next time you go back be sure to buy me a thousand 
         swordfish so I can use these up!
  Niles: You laugh, but I could do it like that. [snaps fingers] So, 
         how goes the great smoke-out?
   Bebe: Until today, I had no idea what a brilliant therapist your 
         brother is.  He has tunneled his way into the very depths of 
         my psyche. 
  Niles: Well, let's hope he sent a canary down first.
   Bebe: Well, I'll be running along. [to Frasier] I'll see you at 
         ten tomorrow.  In the mean time, it's exercise, lots of 
         fresh spring water and nicotine gum for cravings.
Frasier: That's my girl.
  Niles: Oh, Bebe, you know I'm writing a paper on addiction and I'd 
         love to ask you some questions - unless there's some reason 
         you're eager to be off?
   Bebe: [covering up:] Me?  No.  No, not at all.
  Niles: Well, I just need to discuss a personal matter with Frasier 
         first.
   Bebe: Of course, I'll give you some privacy.  It's time for my 
         water anyway. [exits to kitchen]
Frasier: Yes, Niles?
  Niles: Let her out that door, she'll smoke half a pack before the 
         elevator hits the lobby.
Frasier: How can you know that?  You hardly spoke to her.
  Niles: Well, obviously you didn't see the crazed, cunning glint in 
         her eyes.
Frasier: She always looks like that, she's an agent.

In the kitchen, Bebe takes a cigarette from her purse.

  Niles: I know about addiction.  It's the exact same look Maris used 
         to get during the cough syrup years.  The only way to deal 
         with it is to lock her up, take her money, and watch her 
         like a hawk until it's out of her system.
Frasier: That means she would have to stay here for the weekend.

Daphne and Martin have entered and they have heard Frasier's last 
sentence.

 Daphne: Who's staying all weekend?
  Niles: Bebe Glazer. 
 Martin: [worried:] Here?
 Daphne: [worried:] What does she have to stay here for?
Frasier: She's trying to quit smoking.
 Martin: [sarcastic:] Oh great, that means she'll be extra lovable.
Frasier: Not to worry dad, there is no reason she has to stay for the 
         weekend.  Bebe and I made a real breakthrough today.  If you 
         don't believe me, just come on into the kitchen and you'll see 
         that I'm right.

Meanwhile Bebe is smoking in the kitchen.  When she hears the previous 
she licks her fingers, stubbs out her cigarette and puts it in her 
handbag.

   Bebe: [exiting the kitchen] I'm sorry I can't stay and help you with 
         your paper, Niles, wedding preperations and all.  But I'll 
         remember those helpful hints.  It's exercise, gum, and lots 
         of water.

Bebe turns round and we see that blue smoke is wafting out of her 
handbag.


  Niles: Water should come in handy for putting out those pesky purse 
         fires. 

Bebe begins to whack her bag.

Frasier: All right Niles, secure the door!  Bebe, you are not going 
         anywhere, you're staying for the weekend.  Now give me that 
         purse.

She looks to the door, but Niles has already bolted it.

   Bebe: All right.  Let me remove one very precious momento.
Frasier: Very well.

She presses the bag to her face and desperately sucks up smoke.

Frasier: Oh, stop it! [yanks it away from her]

END OF ACT ONE (Time: 10:10)

ACT TWO

Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
Niles, Frasier, Martin and Daphne are crowded around the dinner table 
as Bebe eats like a scavenger.

   Bebe: More!
 Daphne: What again?
 Martin: That's her third serving.
Frasier: Now, now Dad, it's flattering to Daphne that Bebe finds her 
         food so tasty.
   Bebe: I'm orally fixated.  I could eat a half-stunned wharf rat 
         if you put some gravy on it!
 Daphne: I'll bear that in mind come breakfast time.
Frasier: No, please, please.  Let's all try to remain supportive of 
         Bebe.  I think she's really doing rather well.
  Niles: So, I hear your fiancee is well to do?
   Bebe: Very. [to Martin:] You gonna eat that fat? [takes it from him]
  Niles: Well, marrying money can have it's perils.  Ten or fifteen 
         years down the line, after you've adapted to a lifestyle 
         now totally beyond your means, you can find yourself cast 
         aside a hollow husk, penniless and crushed.
Frasier: Niles, Big Willy's eighty-five, he's on his third pacemaker.
  Niles: Ah. [raises his glass to Bebe] Mazel tov!
 Martin: Just out of curiosity, has this guy ever seen you eat?
   Bebe: After dinner is the time I need a cigarette most.  As long 
         as I don't stop eating, I'll be fine.
Frasier: Well, this is very good, Bebe.  You're already identifying 
         those moments that trigger your worst cravings.
   Bebe: [dismissive:] Yeah, yeah!
Frasier: No, really.  Perhaps it would help to know that you're not 
         alone.  Dad is an ex-smoker.  Dad, can you tell us about 
         those moments you crave a cigarette most?
 Martin: Ah, when I had insomnia.  I'd get up, pour a water glass 
         full of Bourbon, light a cigarette - next thing you know, 
         I couldn't keep my eyes open.  Nothing relaxes you like 
         a cigarette. [Bebe gazes at him longingly] Of course, 
         gives you a hell of a headache in the morning.
 Daphne: Well, I smoked for years but I never became addicted.  
         To this day, I can buy a pack, have a cig or two, toss 
         them in a drawer and not crave another for months.
   Bebe: You know there's a word for people who can do that.  
         What is it?  Oh, yes - bitch!

Daphne goes to the kitchen.

  Niles: There's no need to be insulting just because you're wrestling 
         with an unhealthy and disgusting habit.
   Bebe: It isn't disgusting, it's wonderful!
Frasier: Oh now, Bebe, tell me.  What is so wonderful about smoking?
   Bebe: Everything. [with actions:] I like the way a fresh firm pack 
         feels in my hand.  I like peeling away that little piece of 
         cellophane and seeing it twinkle in the light.  I like coaxing 
         that first sweet cylinder out of its hiding place and bringing 
         it slowly up to my lips. [Daphne comes back with a bowl; 
         getting more erotic:] Striking a match, watching it burst into  
         a perfect little flame and knowing that soon that flame will 
         be inside me. [laughs giddily] I love the first puff, pulling 
         it into my lungs.  Little fingers of smoking filling me, 
         caressing me, feeling that warmth penetrate deeper and deeper, 
         until I think I'm going to burst!  Then - whoosh! - watching 
         it flow out of me in a lovely, sinuous cloud, no two ever 
         quite the same. 

She's cast her spell.  Everyone now has a hungry, longing look in 
their eyes.

 Daphne: More potatoes, anyone?

No sooner has she put them on the table than everybody leaps at them 
quickly putting as much as they can on their plates.

FADE TO:

Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
It is half past five in the morning when Bebe is fast asleep on the 
couch.  Daphne, in her dressing gown, slowly creeps into the room.  
She has a pack of cigarettes in her hand.  She checks that Bebe is 
fast asleep, then slowly opens the balcony door so as not to awake 
her.  She stays fast asleep as Daphne puts the cigarette to her lips. 

Daphne strikes a match.  Bebe wakes up in an instant.  The sound is 
precious to her so she goes over to the balcony door.

   Bebe: You're up early, Miss Moon.
 Daphne: [spins around] Oh!  God, you startled me! [chuckles nervously] 
         Ever since your little speech about smoking, I haven't been 
         able to think about anything else.  Please, don't mention this 
         to Dr. Crane.
   Bebe: Silence has its price, dear.  And I think we both know what 
         that is.
 Daphne: Forget it!  You can't make me give you one of these. 
   Bebe: Oh... can't I?!

Bebe slams the balcony door shut, locking Daphne out.

 Daphne: You open up right now!
   Bebe: All right, missy, here's the drill!  You drop those 
         cigarettes, I'll open the door, you kick 'em over 
         to me, capisce?
 Daphne: No!

Daphne runs to the other door but it is already locked.

   Bebe: [getting to her:] Oh, is it cold outside? 
 Daphne: All right, you asked for it! 

Daphne takes the packet and holds it over the balcony.

   Bebe: No!  No!  Please, I beg you.
 Daphne: Oh, oh no.  My fingers are getting weak.  Oh, oh, I'm losing 
         my grip.
   Bebe: Stop, please!  I'll give you anything you want.  I'll... 
         [quickly:] I'll make you a star!

The lights come on.  Frasier enters in his dressing gown.]

Frasier: What the hell's going on out here?
   Bebe: [childishly] Daphne was smoking!
 Daphne: She made me!
Frasier: [opens the door] Daphne, give me those.
 Daphne: [does so and enters] Oh, look at me!  I'm all damp and 
         chilled to the bone.
Frasier: I'll get you a towel.  My God, it's five-thirty in the 
         morning! [opens the powder room door] Dad!

Martin stumbles out of the powder room with a glass of bourbon.  
He coughs up a puff of smoke and hides the glass behind his back.

 Martin: I couldn't sleep.
Frasier: Have you people all lost your minds? [throws Daphne a towel] 
         Alright, now listen, get back to bed, every one of you!
 Martin: All right, all right...
   Bebe: Thank god you came in when you did!  She was praying on my 
         weakness.  Who knows what I might have done, probably... 
         THIS!

Bebe snatches the pack and makes a run for it.

Frasier: Oh, get her!  Stop that woman!

Martin blocks Bebe.  Daphne gets in her way and Bebe throws her onto 
the couch.

Frasier: Bebe, you will not be allowed to smoke a cigarette in this 
         house! [she tries to edge around him] No, no, don't even 
         think about it!  All right, just give me those!

Frasier corners her and wrestles the pack away.

Frasier: All right now, that's it!  Back to bed!

He turns back to the hallway, but Bebe jumps on his back, reaching
for the packet and snarling like a wild animal.

Frasier: Oh my God, you're insane, woman!

They fall to the floor, wrestling.

 Martin: That's it, no more house guests. 

Martin exits to his bedroom.  Frasier pins Bebe to the floor, with 
the pack trapped underneath her.

   Bebe: Get off me, you brute!
Frasier: Hand them over!
   Bebe: Never! [phone rings]
 Daphne: That'll be the neighbours! [answers:] Hello?  Oh, hello!  
         One moment, please. [whispering:] It's Big Willy! 
Frasier: [takes phone and nicely as Bebe struggles:] Big Willy, hello!  
         No, no, it's not too early, everybody's up! [Bebe growls] 
         Well, you know, there have been a few minor setbacks, but 
         I'm keeping on top of her, yeah. [Bebe growls again] Oh yeah, 
         I know she'd love to say hi, hang on.

Bebe's growling and thrashing abruptly stop as soon as he puts the 
phone to her ear.

   Bebe: [sweet:] Hello, pudd'n.  I'm fine, and you?  Oh, nothing's 
         too much trouble for you daddy.  Bye now!
Frasier: [takes phone:] Yes, sir?  Oh, oh, really?  No, no, I'm very 
         flattered.  Yes, of course, I'd love to, I'll talk to you 
         this evening.  Bye-bye. [hands phone to Daphne] Thank you, 
         Daphne. [to Bebe:] All right, now listen up!  He thinks 
         I'm very gifted.
   Bebe: Mmm.
Frasier: He thinks I'm wasting my talents in just one city!  My God, 
         woman, he wants to take me national, don't you get it?  
         Unless YOU ruin it for me!
   Bebe: [cries] Oh my God, sorry.  Here, take 'em. [hands over 
         packet; he lets her up] I don't know what came over me.
Frasier: Well, don't be too hard on yourself, Bebe.  After all, 
         addiction to Nicotine is a very, very difficult... hey, 
         wait a minute.  This pack is half-empty! 

Bebe runs out onto the balcony with half a dozen cigarettes, 
puts one in her mouth, and pats her pockets for a light.

Frasier: For God's sake... I don't care anymore.  You know, I can't 
         help you, nobody can.  You want to ruin it for both of us?  
         Here, [tosses her a lighter] go ahead, knock yourself out. 
         [Bebe begins to light cigarette] I only wish I could be 
         there when it happens.
   Bebe: [stops] When what happens?
Frasier: When you see that newspaper headline: "Big Willy Boone, 
         Millionaire, Dead." 

Bebe grins; she can see it too.

Frasier: Oh, how I wish I could be there when you watch the funeral 
         on the news.  Watch the casket being slipped into the ground. 
         Only, you won't be watching that.  No, no, you'll be watching... 
         the widow Boone.  Tiffany, perhaps.  Oh no, better yet, 
         "Kelli" - with an "I"!
   Bebe: Stop it!
Frasier: You'll picture her wearing YOUR jewels, sailing in YOUR 
         yachts, sleeping with YOUR gigolos - but, oh, you won't 
         be sad, no, no, no! [chuckles] Because you'll have your 
         cigarette. 

Bebe looks at the cigarette in her hand like it's a baby rattlesnake.

Frasier: Yeah!  Clutched in your nicotine-stained teeth, smoke 
         whirling about your once-pretty, now creased, leathery, 
         smoke-ravaged...
   Bebe: Enough! [Frasier looks at her triumphantly] God! [hands over 
         cigarettes and comes in] You are one hell of a therapist.

Frasier closes the door.  Bebe lets out a sigh and sinks back onto 
the couch.

FADE TO:

THREE SMOKE-FREE WEEKS LATER
Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment. Bebe is dressed in her wedding gown on the balcony. She has her back turned away from us and her veil is covering her face. Roz and Frasier, formally dressed, are sitting on the couch looking glum as Martin enters. Martin: Hey, you back from the wedding already? Roz: No. Frasier: There was no wedding. Roz: No wedding, no syndication deal... Martin: [notices Bebe:] What's she doing here? Roz: No money, no fame... Frasier: Well, you might say things hit a bit of a snag. Roz: No beach house, no pool boys... Frasier: Oh will you get a grip, Roz?! Martin: Well, what went wrong? Frasier: Well, they were halfway down the aisle - Big Willy beaming proudly, Bebe radiant, supporting Big Willy on her arm - when suddenly he clutched his heart, and his head slumped against Bebe's shoulder. Of course we were all concerned at first, but then suddenly it seemed like he was all right because they kept moving on down the aisle. But if you looked carefully, you could see Bebe's little biceps bulging through her wedding gown, and I swear I noticed daylight between Big Willy's dress boots and the carpet. Well, once they got up to the minister the jig was pretty well up, despite Bebe's valiant attempts to animate his features by twisting the loose skin at the back of his neck. [imitates] You know, I've never seen a woman more crushed. Martin: Well, if I were you I'd get her away from that balcony rail. The doorman gets ticked if you even through a piece of gum over the side. [exits] Frasier: [opening balcony door:] Bebe, dear? Please, come on in. [she does] That's a girl. All right, let me have a look at you. Come on, here we are. Frasier lifts the veil to reveal Bebe with a cigarette clenched between her teeth. Frasier: Well, I don't really blame you, dear. You know, Roz and I are both upset too. You know, look at it this way: at least you're no worse off than you were before. Bebe: [angrily stubs out her cigarette] You don't know the things I did for that man - the depraved, Western-themed appetites I satisfied! Roz: He was eighty-five, how bad could it have been? Bebe: Ever worn a saddle? [Frasier grimaces] Roz: Do I have to answer that? Frasier: Well, you know, Bebe, there are other Big Willys out there, better ones! Richer, older... [she's not convinced] Impotent! Bebe: [cheering up] Oh dear, you always know what to say. I know what hell I put you through over this. I insist that you take this, [hands over something] as a small token of my gratitude. Frasier: Oh Bebe, really... [gasps] Look, Roz! It's a gold Rolex! Oh my goodness... Bebe goes to the door and starts to light up a fresh one. Frasier: [realizes] Bebe... where did you get this? Bebe: [beat] Just don't wear it to the funeral. She leaves. Frasier debates whether he really wants the watch or not. He holds it out to Roz, who recoils in disgust. END OF ACT TWO (Time: 21:05) Credits: Gil is in the radio booth doing his show, wearing a cowboy hat and string tie, eating barbecued chicken and proclaiming his delight over the air. An intern, Hank, enters and hands him a note. Gil reads it, covers the mike and whispers, "Dead?!" Hank shrugs and nods. Gil goes to commercial, quickly throws off his hat, wipes his mouth in disgust and drops the remaining Texan delights into the trash.

Guest Appearances

 Special Guest Star
 HARRIET SANSOM HARRIS as Bebe Glaser
 
 Guest Starring
 RICHARD HAMILTON as Big Willy

Thanks To...

Transcript written by Nicholas Hartley.
Transcript revised by Mike Lee.
Edited by Nicholas Hartley.


Legal Stuff

 This episode capsule is copyright 1999 by "The Frasier Files". 
 This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of 
 Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission. 

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